From the Desk of the Chief
by labmeister
Summary: Every officer in the precinct has to do it. It's just the rules. Chief Bogo appreciates the rules. Unfortunately, two officers seem to be doing their best to make the experience as excruciating as possible for him. Follow the Chief as he reads the case reports submitted by Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde. Comedy ensues. Also hypertension for Chief Bogo. But mostly comedy.
1. Case Reports - 1

Chief Bogo considered himself to be a rational mammal. He saw the need for rules and approved of them in most cases. They separated the animals from the animals, after all. Or something like that. I'm a narrator, not a poet. Currently the rules were proving to be quite taxing for him, however. One rule in particular, to be exact.

This rule was one that the Chief had always had a slight disdain for, but he saw the necessity of it. In most cases it was just a simple annoyance that caused a minor loss of time in his day. As of late though, it had started to overtake more of his work schedule than he would have liked.

The rule was as follows: All case reports submitted by an officer must be approved and signed off on by the precinct chief.

He saw the logic in the rule. It was meant to increase accountability among the officers under him. They would be more likely to follow procedure and less likely to do something…unbecoming of an officer.

Now, it would be unrealistic for the Chief to read every single case report filed by an officer, of course. There were far too many officers under him for that to be feasible. So, he sent all reports through the records department. They would read each report and send those which followed procedure to Bogo at the end of the week.

This made the Chief's job much easier. In most cases he could just sign off on reports at the end of the week, safe in the knowledge that the records department was efficient and thorough. Any cases that may have had a slight deviation from procedure, or some other matter that may require Chief Bogo's personal attention were brought to him directly so that he may evaluate the situation himself.

This arrangement had worked for several years. On a weekly basis Bogo rarely had to read more than a few reports, and the majority of the time he condoned the officer's actions and signed off anyways. It was rare he had to dole out any punishment, as most officers at Precinct 1 understood their job and what was expected of them.

Fortunately, the Chief did not mind having to read those few reports, as he liked to maintain a tight ship. Unfortunately, the Chief had recently moved from having to read 2-3 reports a week to upwards of 20.

Coincidentally, the astronomic increase in the number of case files Bogo was forced to read correlated with the arrival of his two newest officers in the precinct: Judy Hopps, and Nick Wilde.

These two officers were an effective team to be sure, and they saw quite the results in their cases. They closed most of their cases, and outdid even some of the veteran officers in Precinct 1. Chief Bogo had a respect for them as officers, and he looked out for their well being as he tried to do with everyone in Precinct 1. He had even considered putting them up for promotions to detectives, disregarding their relatively short time on the force.

That respect, however, did not prevent him from being utterly annoyed at the duo and their shenanigans. Their antics had, in the past year alone, caused him more paperwork than he had done in the previous five. Chief Bogo had probably called them up more to his office to scold them than any other officers on the force. Some of his officers had been there for more than a decade.

Right now, however, the Chief was not irritated at them for some immense scandal such as when they had arrested the police commissioner's brother on charges of arson. Nor was he irritated at Wilde for causing him yet another migraine with his incessant 'wit.' He was annoyed at the four case reports sitting on his desk. It was 6pm on a Monday and there were already four reports.

Four.

 _They have been on the job this week for a literal eight hours. How can there be four reports on my desk already!_ Bogo exasperatedly thought.

He sighed as he reached for his reading glasses sitting on his desk. The Chief pulled a report from the stack and placed it in front of him as his other hoof set his glasses on his face. As he flipped the report open he sighed once again. His nose wrinkled and his eyes darted across the page as he read the report to himself.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Judy Hopps, October 8th, Arrest of Suspect Harry Harrington_

 _Officer Wilde and myself were patrolling our assigned sector. It was then that we received a report of a jewelry store robbery from dispatch and moved in to respond to call. Officer Wilde commented that he had been eager to get me a gift in order to 'woo' me, and a jewelry store would be sufficient for what he had in mind. Officer Wilde proceeded to comment that I looked sufficiently embarrassed at his remark, and that when embarrassed I was quite "Cute."_

…

Chief Bogo rubbed his temples, starting to feel the beginnings of a migraine setting in. He immensely regretted telling Officer Hopps to record, in his own words, "Absolutely everything that happened in the field with total professionalism and with regards to the truth, lest I descend upon you with the righteous fury of the law and put you on parking duty for the rest of eternity due to utter incompetence." The Chief resumed reading the report.

…

 _Upon arriving at the scene Officer Wilde and myself found the suspect, John Burrows, in the jewelry with store with a large brown sack in tow. The suspect was a white wolf who looked to between 24 and 32, possessing brown eyes, and looking to be between 5 and 6 feet tall. The suspect was smashing the glass of several containers and placing several items into the brown sack. It appeared to be quite full already. Officer Wilde and I moved to engage the suspect. When we moved into the store I became aware of the small mole behind the counter. He appeared to be scared._

 _I called the attention of the suspect to myself, who had yet to notice neither myself nor Officer Wilde. Officer Wilde told the cowering mole, later identified as the store's owner, that he did not approve of his new interior designer while gesturing to the suspect. The suspect voiced his displeasure at being caught in the act. He addressed Officer Wilde with a hello. Officer Wilde responded by calling the suspect "Hairy Harry" and proceeded to ask him how he had been doing._

 _The suspect responded with a shrug and replied promptly that he had been doing well. I questioned Officer Wilde as to his familiarity with the suspect. Officer Wilde proceeded to smirk at me. It was frustrating. The suspect, identified as Harry Harrington by Officer Wilde, then continued to stuff various rings and jeweled items into his sack._

 _I ordered the suspect to cease and informed him he was under arrest. The suspect ignored me and continued to stuff valuables into his sack while carrying on a conversation with Officer Wilde. The owner of the store, John Burrows, asked if we were going to arrest the suspect at some point as it was our job. I became irritated at the situation. I voiced my concerns to my partner who ignored me and pat me on the head._

 _I began to advance on the suspect as Officer Wilde continued to hold a polite conversation with him. The suspect, spotting my advancement, proceeded to ask what I was doing. I informed him once again that he was under arrest, to which he looked surprised and asked Officer Wilde why he was under arrest._

 _Officer Wilde told the suspect that he was under arrest for poor taste in jewelry. The owner of the store voiced his displeasure at this comment. I informed the suspect that he was under arrest for robbery. The suspect claimed that he was the proper owner of the store and had proof. I disregarded this claim when Officer Wilde interjected to state that it was our duty as officers to hear every mammal's testimony. It should be noted he was excessively smarmy._

 _The suspect seemed pleased at this while John Burrows expressed his incredulity. As did I. Officer Wilde was adamant and said, and I quote, "I really, really want to hear his reasoning here, Carrots. Please. We can book him after. You gotta see this will be absolute gold. There's no way this won't be hilarious."_

 _I restrained the suspect promptly. The suspect was displeased at this. Officer Wilde was even more displeased. The owner of the store was very pleased. After informing him we needed his stolen merchandise for evidence before it could be returned, he was also displeased though. Officer Wilde spoke to the owner stating, "I wouldn't be too worried about losing that. Now you can stock your shelves with something someone might buy."_

…

Bogo audibly groaned as he looked to another paper on his desk which now made sense. It was a complaint of police harassment from a jewelry store owner regarding one Nicholas P. Wilde, or as the mole affectionately referred to the officer in his complaint, "Officer Chucklefuck."

…

 _I quickly ushered both the suspect and Officer Wilde out of the store while the owner of the store voiced his various opinions about Officer Wilde. Ever the model of professionalism, Officer Wilde responded to each. The suspect, who apparently doesn't understand the right to remain silent, thought it appropriate to voice his own opinion on Officer Wilde to the mole, loudly interjecting, "Don't be mean to Nicky here, he's a funny guy."_

 _Officer Wilde was significantly proud of this endorsement. I was not. The owner of the store was also not as he began shouting expletives and cursing Officer Wilde._

 _We moved the suspect back to headquarters in our cruiser in approximately seven minutes. These minutes were spent listening to Officer Wilde interrogate the suspect. He was most definitely not sharing incriminating stories about the past with the suspect. The suspect also most definitely did not try to flirt with Officer Wilde in front of his girlfriend._

 _Upon arriving at the station the suspect inquired whether Officer Wilde would be free to grab a beer sometime. I answered on Officer Wilde's behalf and moved the suspect to processing._

 _\- Officer Judy Hopps_

…

Chief Bogo leaned back in his chair as he finished Officer Hopps' report on the robbery, rubbing the bridge of his nose with a hoof. While it was already quite a bother for him to read her reports, it paled in comparison to the pain he felt when forced to read through her partner's report on any case. He was sure this would be no different as he pulled Nick's report from the three remaining case files and opened it.

As he opened the file a slip of paper fell out. Bogo picked up the page and glanced at it. His eye twitched as he looked at the page which consisted of a drawing of an angry looking grey blob with crudely drawn arms and legs, which he assumed to be Hopps, standing on top of a larger white blob, which the Chief assumed to be the suspect. The grey blob was labeled, "Officer No Fun Allowed."

That, however, was not what Chief Bogo was looking at. Taking up almost half the page was a a large black creature, that had been draw with a large gaping mouth with sharp teeth and forked tongue poking out. Devil horns appeared to have been added on too. The most notable addition to the drawing, however, was a drawing of a large gaudy pearl necklace on the beast. It was labeled, "Satanic jeweler with no taste."

Naturally, any artist would've felt it necessary to sign their work, and this was the case here as well. In large looping cursive font the bottom of the drawing was signed,

 _\- By Special Premiere Officer of the Highest Caliber Nick Wilde_

As Chief Bogo stared at the drawing more and more, a deep rage bubbled inside him. The entire precinct shook as the Chief screamed.

"Who gave that fox _crayons_!?"

* * *

AN: Depending on the reaction to this, I may or may not write more. Fair warning though, there will be absolutely nothing of value in any of it. If you're looking for something with content, look elsewhere.


	2. Case Reports - 2

Chief Bogo signed off on both the reports of Wilde and Officer Hopps. Begrudgingly. He had thought of calling Wilde to his office to chew him out for such a waste of resources and blatant disregard of the rules by drawing his report. However, Chief Bogo had begun to feel an incessant throbbing in his head that he was concerned might actually be an aneurysm. So, the Chief wisely decided not to invite the fox up to his office and risk death upon seeing the smug vulpine.

It was a smart choice, as right then the mammal in question was feeling extra smug.

Chief Bogo placed both reports into the approved bin and looked at the other two stacked on his desk. The Chief was not a religious mammal, as he felt that the righteousness of the law was enough for anyone to live by. It was almost a fetish. At that moment, though, he was begging the powers that be in a solemn prayer that the case reports in front of him were from a different pair of officers.

Unfortunately for Chief Bogo, as he soon learned upon flipping the top case file open, there was no escape from this Hell.

…

 _From the desk of Nick Wilde, September I think. Or maybe October? I don't remember, Arrest of Suspect Mister Hoofey McBraniac_

 _To the light of all our existences, the flame that ignites our passion, my inspiration, Chief Bogo,_

 _Anyways, so me and Carrots were chasing down a suspect. We subdued him and took him in. Funny story though, he was a real gem. We tracked him down to his house after he held up a gas station and demanded the attendant sell him gas at a discount. Not that he give him gas, just a discount. He did this at knifepoint. Some days it's hard to get out of bed, and I wonder what life's all about. Then moments like that happen and I remember why I love it so damned much._

 _It gets better though. The attendant, Whats-his-face, asked the guy holding him at knifepoint if he could have a couple days to think it over. And our guy says yes. He said yes. We got a winner here._

 _Carrots was questioning the attendant with all seriousness about this "vile and abhorrent mistreatment of the fine declarations of the law" while I swiped a few drinks. The attendant is just standing through all this, listening to Judge Hopps orally titilate the law so hard that I started to feel a bit jealous. At some point she actually asked him a question about the crime._

 _To be honest, I kind of tuned out there. This song by The Mountain Goats came on over the store's speakers. I love The Mountain Goats. It was that one that sounds really pretty but is actually completely messed up when you listen to the lyrics. "No Children." Good song though. Definitely recommend it._

 _Luckily, I didn't miss the best part of the conversation between Whiskers and Whats-his-face. As it turns out the guy who held the place up for a discount on gas left not only his phone number with the attendant, but his home address, and the hours he would be home, AND his name._

 _I swear, Mein Fuhrer, I can't make this stuff up._

…

Bogo blinked at the page several times. He slowly removed his reading glasses and placed them gently on his desk. Then Chief Bogo did what felt natural in that moment. His head quickly smashed the table as he questioned his existence.

Was it an overreaction on his part? Perhaps. Did knowing that prevent his blood pressure from spiking? Of course it didn't.

…

 _Even my partner had this look on her face. It's that cute one she gets when she's frustrated or can't believe something. It's the classic, "wrinkle your nose and scrunch up your eyes because the sheer idiocy in the room is legitimately blinding" look. I see that look a lot. That's probably not a good thing. Whatever, though, it's adorable. If it means I might suddenly wake up being strangled one day… well that's only fair._

 _So me and Carrots start heading back to the patrol car to head out to the suspect's house. Oh, by the way, I'm gonna need you to reimburse that station for the two drinks I took. It just sort of slipped my mind as we were heading out, ya' know? Hopps and I need the energy, after all._

…

Chief Bogo looked at the document sitting on his desk marked, " **Expense Report**." A new column had recently been added to the document that read, " **Luxury Expenses**." It was added as a way to account for any money the ZPD spent reimbursing citizens who may have, as a direct result of the actions of an officer, lost money. It was a very new addition to the document.

Actually, it hadn't existed at all until around eight months ago. It's debut coincided with the arrival of a new officer to Precinct 1.

…

 _I asked to drive, and might I say I was very charming about it, too. I pulled out the smile she likes, I stroked her shoulders a little, and I whispered in her ear to tell her I'd do that thing she likes later tonight. I even stroked her ears right at the rim, because it gets her all hot and bothered for some reason. I mean, I was two steps away from making out with her at a grody gas station in front of What-his-face who looked way too happy to be watching. I practically brought out all the stops._

 _Officer Killjoy declined my request._

 _Just because I haven't renewed my license in nine years she won't let me drive. Honestly, I don't know how I put up with it. I was driving before she was born. Thinking about it just makes me sad, really. No one respects us elders, do they Buffalo Bill?_

 _Oh, and she got mad at me for something called PDA. I've never heard of it. Maybe it's a rabbit thing._

 _So Officer StickInTheMud and yours truly advanced towards the address of the perpetrator, who had left his name at the gas station as Hoofdor Doofington. Honestly, I tried to think up a way to improve that, but some things are so very, very perfect the way they are._

 _Oh, Carrots and I started talking about our sex life after that._

…

As much as Chief Bogo had regretted telling Officer Hopps to never leave even a single detail out of her reports, it did not even compare to the sense of regret he felt at ordering Officer Wilde to do the same.

…

 _I asked her if she wanted to try this thing I read about in the "Bunny Sutra." And yes, it's actually called that. There is a bunny specific "Karma Sutra." Let me tell you, after reading it, I can very safely say that while bunnies are creative with their… positions, they are much less creative with naming protocol. The position I was 'discussing' with Carrots was called "Hands Over Legs While Upside Down and Held Against the Wall by Lover."_

 _I guess they spend all their naming energy on their hundreds of kids. Actually, speaking of bunny names, they don't really make sense. So, in Bunnyburrow there are like 80 million residents and counting. The Hopps family is one of like twenty thousand individual families in Bunnyburrow. That's where the issue is for me._

 _If there are twenty thousand bunny families there is just no possible way they can all have a name like Hopps. I asked Carrots if any families shared a last name, and she said they don't. But if that's how it is then there's no way that every family can have a bunny name like Hopps, Skips, or Cottontail. There are only so many ways to make a pun about a rabbit. There just have to be bunnies with families names like Smith, Jones, or Dostoyevsky._

 _I wonder if those families get shunned for having non-bunny related names._

 _Anyways, me and Hopps get to Doofington's apartment complex pretty quickly. Turns out he lived close by. It makes sense, though, since he needed gas. What doesn't make sense is why he owns a car. We live in Zootopia. Who in their right mind would drive in the city when they don't have to?_

 _At this point things got difficult, because Doofington lives on the seventh floor of the building and the elevator is out of order. We had to take the stairs. Instead of those normal steps that everyone likes, this apartment building decided to build them steep and small. Do you know what the real tragedy is, Chief Boogie Woogie? An engineer designed this. An engineer sat down and decided these steps were a good idea. HE WAS PAID FOR THIS._

 _After Judo Baggins and me ascended Mount Doom, she knocked on good ole' Hoofdor's door. I remember because she knocks on doors like she's trying to punch a hole in drywall. Of course, since no one answered within three seconds, Carrots yelled, "OPEN THIS DOOR IN THE NAME OF THE LAW." I'm not kidding._

 _Amazingly the moose who had held up a gas station thirty minutes prior was not motivated to open the door by that. Truly, it's unbelievable he wouldn't respond to a request as reasonable as my partner's. We were at a disadvantage. His brilliant mind could not be swayed and he was determined to avoid capture._

 _His plan was ingenious. How could anyone have ever predicted that a mammal would try to escape by using the fire escape? Hoofdor Doofington will forever live on in the hearts and minds of all as an inspired criminal mastermind without compare._

 _Unfortunately, Doofington's plan of escape was foiled by his mortal enemy. A foe he could never face nor comprehend- inconceivable, purely evil, steadfast, a true force of nature- the window lock. It was on the inside of the apartment. He also hadn't locked his front door. I would say more about this intellectually gifted individual, but alas, I can hardly do him justice with mere words._

 _But for real, I love this guy. Hopps and I get into his apartment, and he is literally up against the window banging on the lock with his hooves. He sees us and he gets up, looks at us, while Judy already has her tranq pulled out and at the ready, and says, "Hey guys!"_

 _He said it like we weren't two cops who walked into his house after he held up a gas station. So Hopps, who was genuinely confused, tell him we're there to arrest him. Any normal mammal would either give themselves up, resist, feign ignorance, or try to talk their way out of it like yours truly._

 _Not Hoofdor Doofington. He is a paragon of individuality- someone everyone aspires to be._

 _He was going to go a different route. Hoofdor Doofington looked Carrots straight on and asked, "Wait, are you not the rabbit and fox strippers I ordered?"_

 _Whiskers was not as amused as I was and told Doofy that we had to take him in for an attempted… robbery, I guess? Can we call demanding a discount at the threat of violence robbery? Is there a word for that?_

 _Hoofdor then loudly proclaimed, "You'll never take me alive!" Then he started messing with the window lock again. Really ruined the effect when he couldn't get it open. I forgive him, though. Dramatic exits are hard._

 _Now, while the show was very entertaining to me, my partner was a bit impatient and much less impressed. And I, being a loving and generous mammal, decided I would try to assuage her by performing my duty as an officer of the law. Plus, I was already in the doghouse with her anyways after her folks stumbled on that carrot pen recording of one of our more intimate moments while visiting. I can only push my luck so far._

 _So I move in with my cuffs to arrest the guy. Poor Doofus must have been frightened though, because he lashed out and managed to clock me pretty hard. To be honest, I'm not sure if he was actually trying to hit me or not, but even if he was…I could never stay mad at someone named Hoofdor Doofington._

 _I'm not completely sure what happened after that because I had a little black out from the hit. When I came to a few seconds later, Doofington was on his back, groaning, cuffed, and being read his rights by Judes._

 _That's pretty much it._

…

Chief Bogo was confused. While it wasn't exactly an orthodox arrest, nor an orthodox report, nothing in it struck him as being something records would consider worthy of being brought to his attention. It seemed to loosely follow procedure. Neither of his officers had blatantly harassed a suspect, witness, or victim.

…

 _Oh right, she also kicked him in the face after restraining him. Then she hit me, but I didn't deserve it. She just has an abuse problem. I filed a complaint._

…

Chief Bogo's groan could be heard all the way from reception.

…

 _Hugs and Kisses,_

 _Nicholas Wilde_

 _P.S. - When we booked Monsieur Doofington, he had a great excuse. "I really needed gas, but I thought 3.99 was way too steep, even for Zootopia. I thought 3.89 seemed more reasonable." He has a fair point._

…

Chief Bogo probably would not have been looking forward to reading Officer Hopps' report on the incident. He did not care then. Chief Bogo was too busy holding back tears as he realized that it was only Monday, and there would still be another week of reports to read after he was done today.

Then Chief Bogo had a thought that might save him, at least for a day. He would assign both Hopps and Wilde to interrogation. Almost anything was allowed in interrogation. Records had never before made him read a report that came from an interrogation. He contented himself with that knowledge, unaware of the nightmare he was soon to unleash on himself.

* * *

AN: I continued this. Again, depending on the reaction I may or may not do more. I'm not quite decided on how long I want each update to be yet, as these first two chapters I've written have been fairly short. If longer chapters with less frequent updates are preferred over shorter chapters with frequent updates, let me know.


	3. Interrogation Report - 1

It had been a good day for Chief Bogo. No new 'reading material' had appeared on his desk and he had actually had more time to perform his normal daily duties. Even his trademark grimace was not seen today. The corners of his lips were only slightly downturned.

One could even say he was happy. It was at this time that the Chief had stepped out of his office and lumbered to the precinct coffee maker to take a short break from his daily duties. He placed his mug under the _Coffee Dispensing Apparatus™_ and listened to the gentle whirring of the machine as it went about its machinations.

As he waited for his afternoon coffee his thoughts lingered on his two newest officers. He had assigned both Officer Hopps and Officer Wilde to interrogation detail today, so in all likelihood, he would not have to hear of any shenanigans. Since they had been on the force for less than two years, they weren't actually allowed to conduct an interrogation without some supervision.

Both of them were to be under to watchful eye of Officer Fangmeyer. Fangmeyer could be a bit of a comedian at times, and often found Wilde's antics endearing and funny, but in his own work he tended to be strict and watchful. Because of this, Chief Bogo felt much more comfortable with the fox and bunny, knowing that Fangmeyer would keep both of them within the bounds of protocol.

He did not hate the pair, and thought they made effective officers. Yes, It was true that Bogo had a certain distaste for their methods at times- especially those of Officer Wilde- but both officers knew where to draw the line…most of the time. Well, Hopps did. And Hopps could keep Wilde in line. A real fear of Chief Bogo's was thinking of what lawsuit the fox officer might cause if Officer Hopps ever took a day off. It kept him awake at night sometimes.

A slight ding shooed Bogo's thoughts away as his eyes drifted towards the coffee maker. Under it sat his coffee, steaming hot. A soft smile graced his features, one he only reserved for three special occasions: morning, afternoon, and evening coffee. He picked up the mug in one hoof, testing the coffee with a sip.

The station had a special brand of coffee, one they procured from an unknown vendor. No one was actually sure who bought the ground, not even the Chief, but everyone drank it anyways. The package it came in had no clear brand markings and only possessed a single word plastered over the front of the brown-black bag, saying, "Coffee."

Now, one might be rightfully suspicious of such an odd looking package that just seemed to appear by the coffee maker and which no one, not even the most senior member of the records department, knew where it came from. These protests were ignored however, when a person consumed the product, because they came to a realization very quickly.

The coffee was awful. I would describe it more in depth, but I'm just a narrator. So suffice to say, it was bad. What? Were you expecting more from me? If you're looking for Ovid, this is the wrong fucking story. Ahem. Anyways. The next question one would rightfully ask is, "Why would anyone drink it then?"

Because coffee is coffee, even when it's awful. You see, in the ancient times— actually, forget it. This wasn't a funny tangent to begin with. Sorry everyone. Back to the "story."

Bogo walked back to his office with his cruddy coffee and found a case report on his desk. Oh wow, how unexpected.

The Chief was not immediately alarmed, as he had put Hopps and Wilde on interrogations, and it was difficult to find something that wasn't allowed in an interrogation, short of beating a suspect. He calmly sat down and opened the file, reading off the first line of the report, feeling safe in his belief that it would just be an average case file.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Fangmeyer, October 9th, Supervising the Interrogation of Chester C. Clawman by Officers Hopps and Wilde_

…

A single tear rolled down the water buffalo's cheek. He felt his hopes and dreams crashing around him as his sordid reality came tumbling down, engulfing him in anger and sorrow. Nietzsche found a kindred spirit that day.

As his eyes perused the document, he could not help but let out a quiet and defeated sigh, uncharacteristic of his normal self. Chief Bogo had eyed down arsonists, thieves, killers, and embezzlers. He had drug two mayors of the city to prison. He had single-handedly taken down six armed felons after their escape from the _The Pound._ He had been instrumental in the capture of Zootopia's most infamous serial killer, the Zoodiac Killer.

He had stared evil in the eye his entire life without backing down. He had stared it down and laughed in its face. That being said, Chief Bogo had not prepared for this. How could he have? Who could even think up something such as this? He quietly removed his spectacles from his face as he buzzed Clawhauser.

"Hi, Chief! What do you need!" The bubbly cheetah was prompt in his response.

Chief Bogo, hardly able to muster the energy to deal with the energetic cheetah simply said, "Send Hopps and Wilde to my office."

There was a pause over the radio. Chief Bogo had never, in his many years as the Chief of Precinct 1, requested that Clawhauser send officers to his office. He had always used in booming voice to demand the presence of an officer. It shocked Clawhauser. The the cheetah questioned, "Aren't you going to call them up yourself Chief?"

Bogo leaned back in his chair, resolutely responding, "Clawhauser. Would you please send Hopps and Wilde to my office?" There was an dangerous edge to his voice that indicated to the cheetah that this was not actually a question, but a demand.

"Oh, of course Chief!" The cheetah responded hastily, fearing the wrath of his longtime boss. He fumbled around his desk for the extension to reach the area in which Judy and Nick were. He did not have the extensions memorized, nor did he keep them within easy reach. It was rare he actually had to use them. The cheetah was a well-liked member of the precinct and most of the officers were squeamish about treating him like an assistant.

Finally he found the extension number of the interrogation rooms, tucked in a drawer of coupons for the donut shoppe down the street. He quickly called and requested that Officer Hopps and Officer Wilde make their way up to Chief Bogo's office.

He buzzed the Chief, simply saying, "They're on their way, sir." His superior acknowledged him with a grunt.

…

Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde walked towards Bogo's office, having wrapped up with their final interrogation suspect of the day many hours earlier. Their shifts were over and they had been preparing to head home when the Chief called for them. Officer Hopps was attempting to remain calm, though the twitching of her nose and continual flicking of her right ear as she walked denoted her nervousness in being called to see Chief Bogo.

With them, it was up in the air whether they would be put up for a commendation or be berated by the water buffalo. It was especially questionable which they would be receiving now. They had received three signed confessions in a row during their interrogations today, which is impressive considering how they still required a supervisor. However, they had a bit of trouble with suspect 3 and had resorted to a more… unique method of interrogation. Strangely, their supervising officer had not been present when they exited the interrogation room.

Turning to her partner in the office and in life, she ignored his resting smug face and general attitude of nonchalantness that he always exuded to ask, "Nick, are you worried about what the Chief wants with us?"

Her partner, ever the picture of irritating smugness, replied, "No, I'm pretty sure he's gonna yell at us."

"Please don't antagonize him today," Judy sighed.

"Me? Never." The self-assured grin of Officer Wilde did not reassure her.

…

Judy entered his office, with Nick following right behind. He glanced at the water buffalo, preparing a greeting.

Bogo beat him to it. "Hopps. Wilde. Sit."

If either Nick or Judy had been unsure as to why the Chief had called them to his office, the tone of his voice told them exactly why. He was not a happy camper. They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments.

The Chief made note of his officers as he let them stew for a bit. Officer Hopps looked quite ashamed and had physically deflated after Bogo had told them to sit. Officer Wilde was… well the Chief could think of quite a few words he wanted to use to describe him, but thought it best to settle on smug.

"Do either of you know why you're sitting in front of me right now?" The Chief asked.

"You missed my sparkling personality and her lovely demeanor?" Offered the fox. The responding glare Bogo gave him quieted him. At least for a good thirty seconds.

"I will rephrase the question. Officer Hopps." The lagomorph focused her eyes on the Chief, which had previously been cast down towards the floor. The Chief continued, "Do you know why you're sitting in front of me now?"

"I don't know, sir. Was our performance today not adequate?" The bunny asked innocently. Too innocently.

The Chief narrowed his eyes, unsure of whether he was being sassed or not. Before he could open his mouth to reply, however, her partner interjected.

"It was her idea." He said, pointing an accusing finger at Officer Hopps.

The rabbit fixed him with an ice-melting look. "Nick, are you serious?"

"Deadly."

"You did it!" Judy retorted.

"But you suggested it."

"I was _kidding._ "

"Are you saying you would joke while _on duty?_ " Nick taunted. The gaze the young bunny had trained on her vulpine friend would have been a warning to any other mammal. Nick Wilde liked to push his luck to extreme lengths, though. He wagged a clawed digit at the rabbit aggravatingly, stating, "I'm ashamed that you would take the good name of the law and pervert it was such a base humor."

Judy's left eye twitch in a sign of extreme annoyance. "Don't test me Wilde."

A scoff came from the russet furred beast sitting next to her. "You can't threaten me. I know where you sleep, Carrots."

"OF COURSE YOU DO. WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED!"

"IRRELEVANT!"

As the two continued to bicker they seemed wholly unaware of the water buffalo in front of them. Chief Bogo's rage had already been boiling within him when the two entered. Now it was an all consuming fire that would've razed the city of Zootopia to the ground for eons had it been given a physical manifestation.

Chief Bogo shot from his chair and exclaimed, "BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!"

They both went silent as the Chief's booming voice dwarfed their own by several decibels. Seeing that they had fallen silent, he threw the report Fangmeyer had written onto the desk with a great amount of force, continuing to shout, "NEVER HAVE I, IN ALL MY YEARS HERE, BEEN FORCED TO READ LUDICROUS GARBAGE SUCH AS THIS. THAT THIS CAN BE CALLED POLICE WORK IS INANE. THAT I HAVE TO SIGN MY NAME TO IT, EVEN MORE SO."

The Chief paused as he stared down his two officers, nostrils flaring. Neither of them said a thing, so he bellowed, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS?" He gestured angrily to the document in front of him as he spoke.

Judy Hopps, previously cowering behind her ears as she shrunk into the back of her chair, peeked at the file, unsure what to make of it. Judging by the perplexed look on her partner's face, he was also confused. It appeared to be a case report. They hadn't written any case reports to day, however, as they had been under a supervising officer.

Chief Bogo, seeing the confusion on Hopps' face, explained what exactly they were looking at. "This is a report filed with records by Officer Fangmeyer concerning the interrogation of one Chester C. Clawman. It was brought to my desk," he said, enunciating each word very carefully.

The visible pale that fell over Officer Hopps' face, as well as the growing self-satisfied smirk on Officer Wilde's, told the Chief all he needed to know.

"And now, _officers,_ I am going to read this report to you. Do either of you have an issue with that?" Bogo asked through gritted teeth.

Both Judy and Nick shifted uncomfortably in their chairs.

"Good. Correct me on any details you think are amiss, _please._ " He said in a tone of voice that made it abundantly clear they should not try and correct him. "Let's begin." Bogo cleared his throat as he pulled his spectacles on and brought the case report into his focus.

Unfortunately, Officer Wilde could not help himself. "Are you going to tell us a story, Uncle Bogo?"

The Chief looked up at his officer, locking eyes with him. "Wilde. If you say one more word, I will personally make arrangements for your funeral. Tomorrow."

The vulpine gulped as the Chief looked down at the report, beginning to read it aloud to the two of them.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Fangmeyer, October 9th, Supervising the Interrogation of Chester C. Clawman by Officers Hopps and Wilde_

 _This is the third interrogation Officer Hopps and Officer Wilde are to perform today. Their first two were rousing successes, with both suspects signing a confession within two hours. I thought it would be appropriate to present them with a more challenging case this time around._

 _The suspect in question, Chester C. Clawhauser, aided in the running of a mammal smuggling ring. He was captured approximately 2 days ago and we have since been trying to discover information to indicate where his cohorts are currently hiding, as well as their victims. Thus far he had been uncooperative and unreceptive in helping us achieve that goal._

 _I thought it would be excellent practice for the two officers to learn what dealing with a tough case was like. I did not expect them to actually get a confession from the suspect. For that, I must commend them._

…

"Ha! Fangmeyer approves of us. He's one of the best interrogators you have, Chief! I'd say that's pretty good." Nick exclaimed rather suddenly and with more than a twinge of pride to his voice.

"My partner does have a point, sir. He's very praising of us." Judy added sheepishly.

Chief Bogo frowned heavily. "We're not done yet, though." He stared back down at the paper as the duo in front of him exchanged worried looks with one another, fearing what Fangmeyer's report said about their actions. He began to read aloud once again.

…

 _However, that is were all my praise for the officers in question ends, as the Machiavellian way in which they conducted the interrogation was abhorrent._

…

"I thought we were friends, Fangs," Nick grumbled under his breath as Bogo continued.

…

 _The interrogation started off fairly similar to the previous two. Officer Wilde attempted to build a friendly rapport with the suspect while Officer Hopps played towards the fears of the suspect. It was the classic "fox cop, bunny cop" method._

 _Chester Clawman was unresponsive to the pair's attempts at extracting information from him. In all previous sessions with other officers, including myself, he had waived his right to have his attorney present and instead opted to remain completely silent. I have not heard a single word from him regarding his criminal activities in his two days at the precinct._

 _After forty five minutes of receiving absolutely nothing from the suspect both Wilde and Hopps exited the interrogation room to discuss a change of tactics. I suggested that they try a different suspect. Officer Hopps was adamant that they could break Clawman, and only required a different strategy. Officer Wilde was adamant that he found more joy in trying to strike conversations with brick walls than with the suspect._

 _Officer Hopps snickered at the remark._

…

Judy's nose twitched angrily. "I did not snicker. I'm a professional." Judy remarked annoyedly.

"I agree. Fangmeyer is being too nice. It was more of a giggle." Added Nick. "An adorable one."

"I did not giggle. It would have to be a funny comment to make me giggle."

"I beg to differ on that, Carrots. I said it, after all. Means it's comedy gold."

"More like fool's gold." Judy deadpanned.

"That's just hurtful."

"Over-sensitive fox."

"Cruel bunny." Nick replied swiftly.

"Quiet, both of you." Bogo snapped. "We haven't even reached the major part of your indiscretion."

…

 _Officer Hopps then reached for Officer Wilde's tie and tugged him down to eye level. It was at this point I noticed a distinct smile on her face, one I can only describe as devious. She whispered something to Officer Wilde, upon which Officer Wilde also smiled._

 _I feel it should be noted that it was the same smile Officer Wilde had on the day in which he switched the Chief's annual gift basket from the Officer's Honorary Society with a personalized gift basket he created, including, but not limited to, the following items: a shampoo bottle filled with pink fur dye, a cologne bottle that sprayed skunk odor, and a package of exploding cigars._

…

"Oh, no…"

The Chief looked up from the report to examine the alarmed officer. Bogo stared intensely at the fox, his expression unreadable. "Oh yes, Officer Wilde." He said ominously. He leaned across his desk and whispered, "I know."

For a brief moment Nick's calm facade fell as he realized the implications of this. He caught himself quickly and corrected back to his normal front. In that brief moment however, Bogo had seen something in Wilde's expression which brought him the most immense feeling of joy he had experienced since his brother's wedding: pure, unadulterated fear.

…

 _Officer Wilde proceeded to leave the interrogation area completely at Officer Hopps' behest. Officer Hopps leaned against the wall, briefly smiling at me and telling me to, "Trust us." In my foolishness I did. I trusted them, may the maker have mercy on my soul. Forgive me, for I knew not what evil I was allowing to be unleashed upon the world._

 _Officer Wilde returned shortly with the instrument that contributed to the impending destruction. It was a light brown color, large at the base and slowly becoming narrower the closer it came to the end. Six long wires ran across it's length and there was a large circular hole in the center of the beast. I have never seen anything so cruel looking. I will hereby refer to it as "Satan's Finger."_

…

"Uhh, sir?"

Bogo grunted as if to acknowledge the bunny staring quizzically at him.

"Is Officer Fangmeyer talking about Nick's guitar?" The bunny inquired.

"Quite." Bogo replied promptly. His eyes not moving up from the page he had been reading from.

The bunny rubbed her arm nervously, before beginning to ask, "Why is he being so…er…that is to say…why is he…"

"More dramatic than a pregnant housewife with histrionic personality disorder who just marathoned a soap opera?" Finished Nick 'helpfully.'

Judy sighed as she looked over to her partner, who was grinning back at her. She couldn't help but smile, though, while looking at the fox she cherished and loved more than anything else.

Because she knew she'd get to beat the shit out of him for this when they got home.

Bogo interrupted her violent thoughts when he said, "Officer Fangmeyer spent two years in a school of the performing arts before training to become an officer. His reports can be a bit…excessive at times."

There was silence in the room after the statement. Both Bogo and Judy stared expectantly at Nick. The fox in question was grooming himself as he slowly patted down a stray tuft of fur on his head. Upon noticing the two staring at him he casually glanced between them. "What?"

"Are you not going to comment on that?" Judy asked, an eyebrow raised.

Nick shrugged. "Why would I?"

"Nevermind." Judy said, rolling her eyes and sighing loudly.

"Wonderful. Now, will both of you shut it, so I can finish reading this report!?" Bogo half yelled at the two. He cleared his throat as the officers refocused their attention on the Chief, who was beginning again.

…

 _Officer Wilde had also brought a large pair of earmuffs with him, which he gave to Officer Hopps. He was not so thoughtful as to do the same for me. I'll remember that. I thought we were friends, Nick. How could you?_

 _Officer Hopps and Officer Wilde both reentered the interrogation room. Officer Hopps sat on the table, staring down at the suspect, while Officer Wilde pulled a chair out from the table to sit on. He rested Satan's Finger in his lap, cradling it in a gentle embrace._

 _Chester looked on the scene curiously, unsure of what was about to happen. The poor soul. He had no knowledge of the oncoming wrath he would be facing. He should of confessed when he had the chance. We could of avoided all of it. It didn't have to go down that way. IT DIDN'T HAVE TO GO DOWN THAT WAY._

 _Officer Hopps asked Officer Wilde, "What song will you be serenading our guest with today, Officer Wilde?"_

 _Officer Wilde smirked. Not that smirk he always has. No, no. This smirk was different. Back then, I only saw it as my dear friend Nick preparing to try a new tactic of interrogation. My mischievous friend Nick, who was good at heart, but could also play a mean practical joke and be a cunning individual. Now I know the truth. It is a smirk of pure evil- the kind that only lies in the darkest of hearts._

 _"This one is called 'The Best Death Metal Band in Denton,' Carrots. It's by The Mountain Goats." Officer Wilde replied._

 _Officer Hopps looked over to her partner, smiling. "That's your favorite band, right honey?" Officer Wilde nodded as he began to titilate Satan's Finger with his own fingers. It was disgusting._

 _The angelic noise produced by Satan's Finger was melodic and beautiful. It was truly enchanting. I began to feel a sense of elation as the folkish tune continued, even allowing myself a moment to close my eyes and block out all things but the simple sound of music. The suspect even cracked a small smile as Officer Wilde strummed out the chord. Alas, it was all a lie._

 _Officer Hopps had quickly placed the muffs over her own ears. I was confused to this action until the true intention of Officers Hopps and Wilde became clear with a single action._

 _Wilde began to sing._

 _With a guttural sound that could only have emanated from the bowels of a fury chained deep within the pits of Tartarus, he sang._

 _"THE BEST EVER DEATH METAL BAND OUT OF DENTON WERE A COUPLE OF GUYS, WHO'D BEEN FRIENDS SINCE GRADE SCHOOL."_

 _The explosive force of the noise tore through me in a flash of pain as I felt the ligaments of my body rip apart. My muscles became weak and tender as the cacophony hit me with all the gentleness of a wrecking ball. I fell to my knees, unable to stand against the screeching sound._

 _I barely managed to claw my way up to a standing position to see inside the interrogation room. The view was sickening. Chester had fallen from his chair after the first bombardment, clutching at his ear uselessly as Officer Hopps looked on with sadistic glee._

 _"ONE WAS NAMED CYRUS, AND THE OTHER WAS JEFF, AND THEY PRACTICED TWICE A WEEK IN JEFF'S BEDROOM."_

 _I cannot comment as to what happened next, fortunately, as I blacked out upon hearing Officer Wilde begin the next verse. I welcomed the sweet embrace of darkness that followed. It was true comfort. But woe, it was not to last._

 _When I awoke, my head throbbing and body weak from a deluge of torture, I was greeted to the sight of the prisoner signing a confession of his crimes as well as telling Officer Hopps of his group's smuggling base of operations. I was relieved._

 _I was relieved that these insidious mammal smugglers had been taken down. I was even more relieved that I would not have to listen Officer Wilde and Satan's Finger. This interrogation was finally over, and the information obtained could be put to good use._

 _Truth is, I have to give credit to Nick Wilde and Judy Hopps for doing a great job in sussing information out of a suspect no one else had managed to break._

…

"Is that it? That doesn't sound that bad actually. Well, except for the calling me evil thing." Nick said. "That just sounds like a couple of ingenious cops doing a good job."

Judy wisely remained silent.

Bogo held up a hoof. "The report isn't finished yet."

…

 _At least, that's what I would say if not for the immediate actions of the officers in question._

…

"Oh, come on, Fangmeyer." Mumbled Nick.

Judy, her ears pricking up at her parter's comment, replied, "You can really only blame yourself here, Nick."

…

 _It was Officer Hopps who instigated the next part._

…

"Oh, come on, Fangmeyer." Mumbled Judy.

…

 _The suspect, after signing his confession, voiced his displeasure at the method of interrogation. It was at this point he said the words that would seal his fate forever: "Please don't let him sing anymore. I'll tell you anything you want."_

 _Officer Wilde took 'offense' at the statement, claiming his voice was of the most melodious variety._

 _Officer Hopps then stated that she thought it unfair to leave her partner hanging after only finishing half of his song. She continued on to claim that it was in the best interest of her partner's mental well-being to finish his song. She told him to continue._

 _Damn that bunny. Damn her to Hell._

 _Never had I seen a look of dread that quite equaled that of Chester C. Clawman's. A smuggler and kidnapper, who'd stolen children in the night and sold them off to the highest bidder. Here he sat before a bunny and fox, completely petrified with fear. By some accounts, he deserved the treatment for the things he had done. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps this was his punishment._

 _I say no one deserves that fate. As I looked upon the cheetah, his eyes wide and tears freely streaming down his cheeks, I felt not contempt for a villain, but merely pity. That pity, however, could not motivate me to stay and suffer with him. I willed myself to crawl from the interrogation area, resting in the hallway as the door shut behind me._

 _Even through the soundproof walls, I could hear the din of HIM. His lyrics reached past the soundproofing to taunt me. His voice carried over to remind me that I would forever have to bear the scars of this event. There was no escape. As I drifted back into unconsciousness, my last thoughts were only of the words I could faintly hear through the door._

 _"WHEN YOU PUNISH A PERSON FOR DREAMING HIS DREAM, DONT EXPECT HIM TO THANK OR FORGIVE YOU."_

 _"THE BEST DEATH METAL BAND OUT OF DENTON WILL IN TIME BOTH OUTPACE AND OUTLIVE YOU."_

 _"HAIL SATAN!"_

 _"HAIL SATAN!"_

 _"HAIL SATAN TONIGHT!"_

 _"HAIL SATAN!"_

 _"HAIL, HAIL!"_

 _-Officer Fangmeyer_

 _…_

Chief Bogo looked up as he finished reading the report, a barely contained fury evident on his features. He fixed both of the officers in front of him with a glare as he judged them. Officer Hopps sat firmly still in her chair, doing her absolute best to look impassive. Her twitching nose and ears gave her away, though. Officer Wilde, contrastingly, sat with his signature smirk on. He was doing his absolute best to look his usual self, but was having difficulties maintaining his composure as the corners of his mouth twitched.

Chief Bogo broke the long silence that had permeated the room after he finished reading the report. With a grunt he attempted to channel his inner rage into a cohesive set of words aimed towards the sole purpose of breaking the fox and rabbit in front of him. Before he could speak his piece, however, Nick thought it was appropriate to give his opinion.

"It wasn't nearly that bad. Fangs is just being dramatic." The vulpine leaned back in his chair, moving one arm over the head of it as he relaxed.

The steam that was exhaled from the Chief's nostrils begged to differ. "Not that bad?" questioned the Chief, before continuing in a much louder volume, "NOT THAT BAD!?" The Chief rose from his chair as he yelled at Officer Wilde. The vulpine shrunk back a bit, as did his lagomorph friend.

"OFFICER FANGMEYER HAD TO BE TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL BY HIS PARTNER AFTER THIS. HE HAS A RUPTURED EARDRUM AND A CONCUSSION. HE HAD TO DICTATE THIS REPORT," The Chief bellowed at the two. "YOU CALL THAT 'NOT THAT BAD!?'"

"Sir, there was, uh, no way for us to know that Officer Fangmeyer was harmed from inside the interrogation room. It's one way glass, sir." Judy offered quietly. She very clearly felt guilty. The water buffalo being addressed shifted the focus to his smallest officer. The fire that the small bunny saw burning in the eyes of her boss silenced all further oppositions or thoughts she may have wanted to express.

Ultimately, the Chief did acknowledge the point. " _Very well, Hopps._ You couldn't account for Officer Fangmeyer, but what about the suspect?" Judy averted her eyes from him almost immediately.

"What about him?" Nick asked, a trace of mirth evident in his voice.

If one asked Chief Bogo how he would define hatred in that moment, he would've answered 'Nicholas P. Wilde.' The Chief took a second to collect his thoughts, as merely staring at the fox's smug visage was causing a dull tingling in his right arm and a throbbing pain in his temple.

"THE SUSPECT WAS CATATONIC WHEN WE FOUND HIM." The Chief screamed.

"You can't prove that we did that. I was just singing, according to the report." Nick replied slyly.

A vein on Bogo's forehead threatened to burst as he readied his own retort. "YOU WERE SINGING 'HAIL SATAN' OVER HIS BODY, WILDE."

Nick's grin faltered at the mention of that. "Er, well…" Nick seemed stumped on that one, which gave his boss the opening to continue.

"NEVER HAVE I HAD TO ADDRESS TO OFFICERS TO TELL THEM THAT IT IS INAPPROPRIATE TO SING AS A MEANS OF INTERROGATION. NEVER. NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN FORCED TO TELL TWO OFFICERS THAT IT IS INAPPROPRIATE TO BURST THEIR COWORKER'S EAR DRUM." The Chief's yelled in one breath. Judy had shrunk back in her chair, trying to distance herself from her partner, who seemed to be the focus of the brunt of the Chief's rage.

His voice was dangerously quiet when he next spoke. "And never, in all the years I have spent on this force, have I been put in a situation where I had to tell an officer of the law that they should not sing 'HAIL SATAN' over someone's body." The Chief paused for a minute before adding, "In all of the precinct's history there has never been a more asinine and ludicrous example of such incompetency."

Nick gulped audibly.

"So please, do tell me what you have to say for yourself, _officers._ Oh, and before you open your mouth, Wilde, I want you to understand that this is a fireable offense to promote a religious figure."

Nick and Judy exchanged a glance, both feeling quite small and meek after the previous verbal assault. Finally the fox opened his mouth, simply saying, "Satin."

The water buffalo stared at him apprehensively for a moment. "Satin?"

"Yes. I said Satin, not Satan." Nick chuckled, though it was half-hearted.

Judy looked at her partner with amazement and disbelief. Her eyes betraying her thoughts. _Really, Nick? Satin? That's the best you can do? You were a con-mammal!_

"So you mean to tell me that you were singing 'Hail Satin,' not 'Hail Satan," as Officer Fangmeyer, a decorated and trustworthy officer, said in his _official_ report?" Bogo asked with incredulity.

"Yes." Nick answered flatly. "Also, that's not being fair to Fangs. He wasn't in the best condition. You said it yourself, Chief, he had a ruptured eardrum and a concussion.

The Chief quickly looked over to bunny. "Officer Hopps." The bunny in question paled under his stoney gaze. "Can you confirm that Officer Wilde, soon to be ex-Officer Wilde, did in fact, say 'Satin?'"

The bunny's lips formed into a tight lipped frown as she looked from her partner, who had a pleading look in his emerald eyes, to her boss, who had a terrifying look in his. She did not want to tell the truth, for her fox's sake, but she also did not want to lie, out of respect for Chief Bogo. "I had earmuffs on, sir."

Chief Bogo looked at her as if she had sprouted wings. "You had earmuffs on? So you couldn't hear anything through them?"

"I had earmuffs on, sir." Judy repeated.

Chief Bogo continued staring at the officers for another minute before finally relenting. He could not argue that Fangmeyer was in the best condition to dictate a report. Plus, and this was the most important part, the Chief did not want to sign his name on something so ridiculous as what he had just read out.

In truth, there was no evidence that Officer Wilde and Hopps were directly responsible for the events that had occurred. Their supervising officer was incapacitated, and the suspect was still catatonic and unable to give a statement. Even disregarding those two facts, there was still nothing that could be done. There were no provisions against using an instrument in interrogation. Bogo would make sure there was one now, but really the only thing he could actually hold either officer to was Wilde's supposed singing of 'Hail Satan.'

And now that became an issue of Officer Wilde's word against Officer Fangmeyer, who was currently being treated for a ruptured eardrum. The Chief couldn't really do anything about the situation. So, instead, he opted to stand, fixing the officers with his well practiced glare.

He shifted his focus to the smaller of the two. "Hopps." The bunny had already had her sights trained on him, but jolted to attention anyways upon hearing her name called. "I expected better from you. If I so much as catch a whiff of you doing something this _stupid_ again, I will haul you off to your little bunny home myself, and force you to become a podunk carrot farmer like the rest of your two thousand siblings. Do I make myself clear?" The bunny in question nodded fervently, eager to redeem herself in the eyes of the Chief.

Bogo shifted his gaze to the fox in the room, who smirked back up at him. "Wilde." Nick stared back up at the buffalo with half-lidded eyes. The two continued on like that for quite a while, Nick smirking at his irate boss as if offering a challenge, and Bogo attempting to cause the vulpine to spontaneously combust with just his eyes. Finally, he huffed, and settled upon saying, "Get out of my office. Now."

The pair hadn't needed any further motivation as they made a hasty retreat from the water buffalo's office. The Chief waited for both of them to disappear down the hall before he slumped back into his chair, a tired groan escaping from his lips. He felt completely exhausted after having dealt with the two officers. He made a mental note to assign both parking duty for the next several weeks.

It had started off as such a good day, too.

…

"We should probably get something for Fangmeyer." Judy said, as she and Nick exited the precinct, hand in hand. "And you should apologize to him."

Nick shrugged. "He kind of sold us out, Carrots. Really, he should get us something."

Judy was adamant, however. "You ruptured his eardrum Nick. An apology gift is the least we can do."

"It was your idea."

"Nick." The tone of Judy's voice told Nick this was not something he should bring up.

"Fine." Nick said. "You can get him a gift. Unless you want me to make him a gift basket."

"Nick."

"Okay, okay, fine. I'll buy him something." Nick relented. "Better?"

Judy nodded. Silence descended on the two as they made their way through the crowded streets.

"Nick, how do we still have jobs?" Judy questioned after a while.

"You have a job because you're a good officer and Ole' Buffalo Butt likes you, Fluff." Nick stated matter-of-factly.

Judy quirked an eyebrow at her foxy companion. "You think he likes me?"

"Yup. Trust me on that one." Nick said.

Judy smiled slightly. She did trust him. However, her smile was quickly replaced by a frown as a thought struck her. "Wait, how do you have a job, then?" She asked her lover. "He hates you."

A large grin appeared on his muzzle as they kept walking down the street. "At this point it's a game," answered Nick, "If he fires me, I win."

* * *

AN: It's a real song by the way. I actually love it a lot. It's very pretty. I just can't help but laugh whenever the lead singer starts singing, "Hail Satan." It just comes out of nowhere and it cracks me up. Anyways. This chapter is a little longer and a much more dialogue heavy than the previous two. Feedback is appreciated. As always, whether I update or not will be based on response.


	4. Case Reports - 3

AN: This one isn't funny. To be fair, neither were the first three chapters, but this one is especially not funny. I'm posting it anyways because I liked the premise. Also, as usual, there will be no value or content to any of this. Read at your own risk.

* * *

Chief Bogo was happy as he came into work that morning, not that he would let anyone know he that. He had assigned Officers Hopps and Wilde to parking duty for the past several weeks as a sort of punishment for their increasing number of indiscretions as of late. At least, that was the excuse the Chief had told them.

Truthfully, Bogo just needed a break. He had become a bit fed up with reading the pair's various reports on a near daily basis, so he took action to diminish the number of reports. It was notoriously hard to involve yourself with anything interesting or exciting when on parking duty. The job just did not lend itself towards that capacity.

This was for several reasons. The first being the quota that an officer was given to meet when on duty. Not that the Chief, or any other officer, would ever admit to there being a quota if asked by a member of the general public. If information got out that the people's public defenders had something like a ticket quota, there would be anarchy in the streets and brimstone raining from the sky. Even Officer Wilde knew to steer clear of that hornet's nest.

The second was because the area of town in which most officers spent there time ticketing was a well traveled, low crime area. The most illegal thing that happened there on a daily basis was shoplifting. So, as it should be, the Chief would get to plod along in his day of work with no unwanted interruptions, save the occasional case report from a different officer. Usually those were only contained a slight deviation from a protocol and he could happily sign off on them. The Chief felt content.

However, I'm narrating this, and in this story the Chief is used for cheap comedy and doesn't get to be happy, because then there wouldn't be any jokes in this story. Since there's no plot and everything that happens in these tales is completely unreasonable and over the top, there have to be bad jokes. Otherwise, I might actually have to write something serious.

And so, upon arriving to his office and sitting in his chair, the Chief spied two case reports sitting on his desk. The happiness he had felt that morning dissipated in an instant. Nothing was left inside of him except a deep sense of foreboding that only got worse as he continued to eye down the case reports.

The Chief tried to rationalize it for a moment. They didn't necessarily have to be reports from Officer Hopps and Wilde. He had read a few other reports from different officers in the past few weeks. They were probably just another set like that. But deep in his heart the Chief knew this to be a lie. He could feel it. He could feel the aura of insanity emanating from the reports.

He held his breath as he moved a hoof over to the top file, bringing it towards him in a very deliberate motion. He flipped it open and read the title.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Judy Hopps, November 12th, Arrest of Suspect Perry J. Smalls_

…

"All you had to do was give animals tickets." The Chief groaned. "What is so difficult to understand about that?"

The report was dated for the previous day, meaning this was put on Bogo's desk sometime last night after he had returned to his home. Nighttime tended to bring out the career criminals as well as typically being more unfavorable for his officers. His jaw hardened as he continued to read the report.

…

 _Officer Wilde and myself were assigned parking duty, and had been exceeding our quota by a factor a three times the required amount. Officer Wilde voiced various concerns about our posting, and inquired if citing arthritis and an impaired ability to perform shadow puppets were adequate reasons to be given a different assignment._

 _While writing my 384th ticket of the night I heard a slight commotion. As an officer of the law it is my solemn and sworn duty to serve and protect, so I momentarily left my partner to investigate the disturbance. The noise came from the market center across the street. I was immediately suspicious, because the majority of the tourist shops in that particular district tend to close at 10:00pm._

 _Arriving at the site from which I had heard the noise, I found the suspect, a weasel later identified as Perry J. Smalls, grappling with a young otter, later identified as one Miss Otto, over her purse. I announced my presence to the suspect, at which point he fled the scene without the victim's handbag._

 _Ensuring the victim was safe and informing my partner of the situation over my radio, I began my pursuit of the suspect. He had a minor head start on me but I quickly caught up as he disappeared down main street. Officer Wilde radioed in to inform me he was en route to the scene and would shortly aid me in my pursuit._

 _I pursued the suspect into an institution where he attempted to hide. Officer Wilde arrived at the scene and together we located the suspect. He was quickly detained and moved to the precinct._

 _-Officer Judy Hopps_

…

Chief Bogo raised an eyebrow. The brevity of the report was quite astonishing to him. It was especially sparse on details of the pursuit of the suspect once Hopps entered the institution, or even what the institution was. It was quite unlike Hopps to show anything but the utmost dedication and effort in her work, either, so the Chief highly doubted anything had been left out that was necessary information.

Furthermore, there was absolutely nothing that broke outstanding protocol in the report. The Chief was left scratching his head as he read the report, unsure of why records would ever put this on his desk. Maybe it was a mistake?

The Chief shrugged as he signed off on the report, deciding it was probably just a clerical error. He placed Hopps' report into the approved bin as he pulled the corresponding file he assumed to be Wilde's towards him. He let out a tired sigh. Even Wilde's normal reports tended to be infuriatingly…unique. They had to be read, though, as it was Bogo's job.

Adjusting his spectacles and ignoring the feeling of trepidation within his chest, the water buffalo began reading the report.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Nicholas "Foxy" Wilde, [Insert Date Here], Arrest of Suspect Perry J. Smalls (who was, in fact, killin' me)_

…

On one level the Chief was irritated at Wilde's inability to take documentation seriously. On a deeper, intrinsic level, which he would never admit existed, he was incredibly disappointed in Wilde for making a wisecrack on easy, low-hanging fruit like the suspect's name.

I, as the narrator, agree completely.

It doesn't even make sense in that context. How was he "killin'" him? If he was going to quote a beloved movie he should have at least waited to use the quote until there was an appropriate moment. The suspect's name is Smalls, and what does the fox immediately do? He wastes the only joke there on the title.

Actually, that doesn't even sound like Nick Wilde. He's a clever and witty character. No, I blame the writer. He's the asshat who not only used an overused quote, but then wasted it immediately. That's just some of the most contrived bullshit I've ever had to narrate. Which is saying something, since I've had to narrate this whole story. The worst part is it wasn't even funny.

So fuck you, Author. Fuck you.

Oh, and Chief Bogo started reading again.

…

 _So we had parking duty today. And yesterday. And the day before. And the entire week before that. And the week before that. We've had it for four weeks now. Except this week it was mixed up a little and we got the night shifts! Thanks for that by the way, Chief Bogus. Now we get to deal with all the crazy people who hate our guts as well as the normal people who hate our guts._

 _Seriously, I've received more death threats in the last four weeks than the entire rest of my life combined. I had a kid walk up to me and tell me he hoped I died in a barn fire. Then his mom told him tire fires were harder to put out. So, the kid corrects himself and tells me that he hoped I died in a tire fire in a barn. Some wholesome family bonding there._

 _Somehow my partner is still standing after six hours of this. She gave out like 300 tickets and was still going strong. I'm nocturnal and I still felt outpaced._

 _Anyways, I was having a conversation with a hyena I ticketed who was telling me about she was going to find and eviscerate me, and mutilate my corpse, and yada, yada, yada, when I see Fluff's ears perk up. Not the normal perk up when she hears me walking towards her, but the hyper alert stiff-eared perk up that happens when her midichlorians tingle because she felt a disturbance in the law._

 _So Carrots just does her thing and shoots off across the street dodging cars like she's playing Frogger, and leaving me to deal with another angry citizen. Real swell partner I have there. Really feel the love._

 _So within like ten seconds I get a call from Carrots telling me she's in a pursuit of the suspect, Perry J. Smalls, and she gave me directions to where the scene of an attempted purse snatching occurred. I would rather she had given me directions to where she was, or told me what the suspect looked like, or had let me in on this before she bounced away in the first place, but guess not._

 _That would've been too easy though. I made my way over to the scene and found this tiny otter gal cowering against a wall. She's clutching what must've been the ugliest purse I've ever seen in my life. It was vomit colored and covered in sequins. It was gaudy. Honestly, I would've just let Smalls take it from me if I owned it._

 _I do the normal song and dance with the victim, who, by the way, was really shook up. She was crying and sobbing and all that. I don't think she lived in Zootopia very long. I mean, it was just a mugging. That's a pretty average thing. I comforted her for a couple minutes, telling her where the patrol car was and asking her which way my partner went._

 _Of course, I really didn't need to ask because all I had to do was follow the trail of destruction Officer Rent-A-Cop leaves whenever she's chasing a slippery perp._

…

The Chief rubbed his temples. Hopps was an excellent cop but her exuberance could often times lead to some…collateral damage. Bogo quietly pulled a slip of paper from his desk, preparing to write an apology letter to the affected parties. If a simple purse snatching turned into having to apologize for a riot, he was going to be very, very annoyed.

…

 _She managed not to damage anything not owned by the city this time around._

…

The Chief sent up a silent prayer of thanks.

…

 _I tracked her down main street. Didn't really think I'd end up catching her before she got to Smalls, but I did. And was it ever worth it._

 _She had sped down all these dark alleys chasing the guy, so I'm going to guess she wasn't too focused on where she was going. I wound up seeing her running into a night club while flashing her badge to get past the bouncer. I mean, I knew Carrots could be wild, I just expected her to save for when we got back home tonight._

 _That's not the best part, though. The best part was what nightclub it was. This makes up for four weeks of parking duty a thousand times over. Officer Hip-Hoppity-Hopps had just run into "Primal Desire."_

…

Chief Bogo was not familiar with the club, but the club scene was never really his forte. However, since it made Wilde excited and happy, it made the Chief very, very worried and unhappy.

…

 _"Primal Desire" is club that caters to Predator-Prey relationships. It also has a heavy domination motif, and the people who go there really like their knockoff leather. Which is kind of messed up, now that I think about it. The owner of the place is a cow. Wonder how that goes over whenever she walks into the place._

 _I used to go there sometimes. It's wasn't really my preference, but there's this one bartender who mixed the best drinks. He made this one cocktail he called McKinley's Delight. That drink was worth taking the risk of somebody actually seeing me in that place._

 _It's part rye whiskey, part sweet vermouth, part cherry brandy, and part absinthe. A lot of absinthe. There might be other stuff in it too. Honestly, I don't know. I just know I've never left that place able to walk a straight line. It's kind of sad I had to break that tradition tonight, but if I passed out on the floor wearing a cop uniform there, I might actually wake up tied up in someone's personal dungeon. Consent is a loose term 'round these parts._

 _Anyways, I tried to chase the rabbit into the place, but the bouncer stopped me when I flashed my badge. He asked me if I was packing. By the way he was looking at me, I don't think he meant my tranquilizer. As tempting as it was to accept the advances of the hippo eight times my size, I had to decline for my partner's sake. Maybe he's more your type, Chief? Do you have room for a little love in your life? I thought so, so I attached his number to the file just under my report._

…

Chief Bogo stared at the slip of paper he had pulled from under Wilde's report. It read,

"Call Me Stud!

1-800-BIG-JIMMY

XOXO,

Big Jimmy

(But you can just call me Jim, honey)

P.S. - Your foxey boy is a real sweet-talker"

It's said that the Chief's fox-shaped tumor grew three sizes that day.

…

 _So I get into the club and I see Carrots just standing there. Her foot was thumping a hole in the floor and she was scanning the room. Probably looking for the suspect. It wouldn't be hard to hide there if you did it right. Especially with all the bigger mammals in the room. I was so looking forward to seeing her reaction to this place when I found her, but she hadn't even realized what kind of club this was yet, which was even better. Days like this only come along so often. They're the days I live for._

 _I talked to Whiskers and she told me the suspect was a weasel. I didn't even need that information, because the guy was the only one not dressed up like he was going to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Pointed him out to Officer Speedwagon and she was off._

 _Oh, she ran through a mosh pit. A literal mosh pit. Like, she was doing flips and jumps over people and sliding under some of the larger predators legs. Some of the mammals were whistling at her. I think most of them thought she was just roleplaying when she started shouting about the law and making an arrest. She got a lot of attention from a lot of the mammals there. Never has my night gone from a 0 to a perfect 10 so quickly._

 _She ends up tackling Perry J. Small Brain against the bar counter and cuffing him. Some of the looks people were giving her after that display of athletics were, well, mortifying for her and amazing for me. The smell of the room after that definitely lived up to the nightclub's name. Then there was the look on her face after the adrenaline wore off and she realized exactly where we were._

 _Only a benevolent and loving creator could have given me a gift like that._

 _I was going to walk up and tease her about it all, but then it got even better somehow. That little weasel, Smalls, in all his glory and forethought, yelled a time honored and favorite phrase of many petty criminals: "[Redacted: Expletive] the police."_

 _Originally, I was going to make a comment about how I agreed and then I figured Carrots would reply back that we were the police, at which time I would reveal I meant literally and she would blush a little. What really happened though, is so much greater. I didn't even have to do a thing. It just happened._

 _Out of the din of the watching crowd, several of the more rambunctious and inebriated of the partying club mammals voiced their whole-hearted agreement with what Smalls said. They too, had meant it literally. My partner turned red. I don't mean she blushed. This wasn't the slight red twinge of a blush. She turned red. Her body produced more blood so that she could be completely red, that's how horrified she was. I can't describe it anymore than that, because I don't think words could do the way she looked justice. There's no way she could have been anymore embarrassed or that I could've been happier._

 _Then someone threw their leather pants at her. After that it was all kind of a blur. All I remember is her grabbing my arm, grabbing Smalls, and rushing for the exit. Fake leather was flying everywhere, as well as some other things I'm not totally comfortable mentioning. Somehow, we got out of there._

 _The suspect didn't say a word and just look disturbed. He didn't complain when I put him down in the squad car. Carrots didn't say a word the entire trip back. She just drove in complete silence and wouldn't look at me. The scent of her mortification was so palpable I could taste it._

 _I love my life._

 _-Officer Nick Wilde, Partner of Officer "Club Demon" Hopps_

…

The Chief sat in silence for a moment. He quietly signed the report and placed it in the approved pile. Then he took off his spectacles and put them aside. It was at this point that he thought it best to smash his head against the desk and silently scream into the wood.

He didn't know why he even had to read that. Nothing they did had outright broken protocol. The records department had made a mistake. He didn't have to read this report.

"Why is life pain? _"_ The Chief questioned his desk.

Unbeknownst to Bogo, a pair of eyes had been watching him through the crack of his door. As he collapsed to his desk and voiced his thoughts aloud the eyes disappeared and the form of Calvin Quills scurried away from his office, leaving the water buffalo to ponder his existence.

 **MEANWHILE IN ROOM 124**

"Alright, alright everyone calm down." Said the voice of Dr. Hobbes, the head of forensics and the de-facto leader of the records department. "Calvin will be back soon, then we'll know who won."

There was a collective clamor from the group seated in front of him as they waited for their colleague to return from his excursion to the Chief's office.

"Why even bother? We know the Chief's going to fire the guy. You all should just go ahead and pay me!" Exclaimed one of those gathered.

The mammal sitting next to him scoffed. "Oh, please. He'll have a mental breakdown before that happens. You just don't want to give up your bet."

The original speaker's snorted as he replied to his associate. "Of course I don't, who would? Doesn't mean I'm wrong though. You and the rest are just sore losers."

At that statement the rest of the twenty gathered mammals began to bicker as well. Dr. Hobbes rolled his eyes. It was always like this when there was a betting pool. Everyone was always so antsy to see if they were right, and more importantly, if they were about to win big.

Suddenly the door to the room flew open, drawing everyone's attention. A panting porcupine stood in the doorway, his chest heaving after a rather long run. There was utter silence in the room as he stepped through the entryway.

The silence was quickly broken when Dr. Hobbes questioned him. "Well, Calvin? What happened? How did he react?"

The porcupine looked to Dr. Hobbes and then to those sitting around the room. Finally he opened his mouth and asked, "Who bet on the Chief having an existential crisis?"

There was a collective groan from all of those gathered, Dr. Hobbes included, except for a single mammal- A snow leopard. She stood up, a wide grin plastered on her face.

"Looks like the entire pool is mine, huh?" Said the leopard, as she walked up to Dr. Hobbes. The good doctor opened the small metal box that had been sitting next to him, pulling out $600 from it. He reluctantly handed the small wad of cash over to the winner, irritated that he had bet wrong himself.

He really had thought the Chief would cry this time.

The winning mammal happily grabbed the cash and walked from the room, preparing to head home and brag to her husband about her 'bonus.' The rest of the group left the room grumbling. Losing was never fun. Finally, the only two left in Room 124 were Dr. Hobbes and Calvin Quills.

"Dr. Hobbes?"

"What is it Calvin?"

"Isn't it kind of cruel of us to make bets on this?" Calvin asked sheepishly. "Officer Wilde's report didn't violate protocol, sir, so it seems a bit mean to make the Chief read it when we know he hates to do it."

Dr. Hobbes stared at his younger colleague, trying to think up a reply. Eventually he responded, "He has us read all the reports when it's technically his responsibility." He paused before adding, "And I think we're entitled to a little fun now and again, don't you Mr. Quills?"

Mr. Quills agreed.


	5. Case Reports - 4

Chief Bogo sat at his desk. He recently reassigned both Officers Wilde and Hopps to a cold case, and because of that he was confident that they would be out of his fur for a while. The Chief felt a bit guilty for putting two good officers on a case which hadn't had a lead on in over two years, but the sense of relief he felt at not having to read anything submitted by the pair far outstripped any guilt me may have felt.

He would keep the two assigned to the case for a couple days perhaps, and then put them on something where they could be productive. The water buffalo felt a twinge of sadness when regarding the case, as it had been one he worked on personally with no results. It was a failure of his. A young bunny had gone missing one day, no one knowing where she had gone.

Her husband, a young business mogul and bunny, had called police almost immediately when he saw signs of a struggle within his home, but could not find his wife. There was no DNA evidence upon arriving at the scene, except for the victim's, and thus began a city wide search for either the doe or her body. It yielded no results. Not even a trace. From there the case had quickly gone cold as there were no reliable leads, the husband had an airtight alibi, and there weren't any real suspects.

The office door opened as the Chief was contemplating the case, and feeling increasingly guilty for manipulating his two officers into being on something that the best minds in the department couldn't solve. In walked the very vulpine the Chief had been thinking of. He never knocked. The Chief liked when people knocked first.

"What is it, Wilde?" Bogo asked gruffly.

Wilde leaned against the door frame, looking incredibly relaxed. Chief Bogo knew it was a problem that even the most mundane and innocuous actions of the fox angered him, but he could not help but feel somewhat irate at the incredible casualness of his employee. The fox yawned, his mouth opening wide as his teeth were bared. Somehow yawning made the Chief hate him even more.

After smacking his lips loudly, he responded, "Nothing. Carrots just wants to know when you're going to assign us our next case."

Chief Bogo snorted. "I believe you and your partner were already assigned a case," he said, sipping coffee from his mug.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, we solved that one a few of hours ago." He replied.

Chief Bogo dropped his coffee mug in surprise. The hot contents spilled over his lap as he yelped.

Just kidding. That would be stupid, even for this story. He put the coffee down on the table like a normal person. Hearing crazy news doesn't make your muscles stop working, people. Well, unless someone tells you that you're having a stroke.

The Chief spoke, unsure of his words. "You…what?"

"I'd be happy to kick back the rest of the day if you want though." The fox continued, acting as if he hadn't heard his employer's question.

"You…you solved it?" The water buffalo spoke with uncharacteristic surprise.

Nick cocked an eyebrow at Chief Bogo. He had seen the Chief with many different emotions before. Anger. Disbelief and anger. Surprise and anger. Sadness and anger. Happiness and anger. Remorse and anger. Anger and anger. Never had he seen him with this combination of emotions. Disbelief and surprise. He took a mental picture of the scene before him, savoring it.

Nick, still a bit taken aback by his Chief's reaction, replied to him like a normal mammal would. "You assigned it to us, Chief. So we solved it. You know, doing those things called our jobs."

Look at that. He was only slightly snarky. The poor fox must've been stunned.

Closing his gaping mouth, the Chief spoke. "I assigned it to you seven hours ago."

Nick grinned at the Chief. It was unsettlingly wide. "Sorry for taking so long. Carrots was insistent we get started on the case right away, but I really needed to catch up on some light reading and get a little beauty sleep."

Upon hearing Wilde speak in a very Wilde-esque way, the internal rage which had briefly subsided made itself known to Bogo again, allowing him respite to collect himself. He truly did not believe Wilde. This had to be a trick of some sort. He would call the fox's bluff. He snorted and, while glaring at Wilde, said, "I want to see Hopps' case report on this, then."

If the Chief had found Nick's earlier smile irritating, the one the vulpine currently had on was simply infuriating. The fox moved from the wall and walked into the office, pulling a file from behind his back as he did so. His emerald eyes sparkled at the water buffalo as he held the file up in the air in front of the Chief.

Chief Bogo then realized that Wilde had been carrying the file on his person. Which meant that Wilde had known he'd ask to see the report. The look on Wilde's face was one of mischievous glee. If Wilde was happy about the Chief asking for the report then that could only mean-

"Actually Sport, we opted for a joint report this time around, and I volunteered to write it up." He paused for a moment to glance at the file. "There isn't a single breach of protocol in here. So really, I could just send it down to records." The smug, nonchalant tone Nick normally used crumbled for a moment as notes of pure joy seeped into his voice. "Do you still want to see it?"

The message was clear. He had wanted him to read the report. This had been a trap from the beginning.

The Chief sat in silence for a moment, only able to stare at his officer and the file in front of him dumbly. He had been tricked. He weighed his options mentally.

 _No. I can say no…but If I say no I'll never know how they solved the case, or if they ever did at all. I have to see the report…but if I see the report I have to read it. If I have to read it... no... Damn that russet furred mongrel! What do I do? I have to know the truth. And he knows it!_

Nick could hear the cogs in the Chief's head turning as he watched him grind his teeth together. The satisfaction he derived from this moment had never been matched by any other feeling. Unless his partner asked, in which case their nights were great and not at all repetitive and too vanilla for the fox's taste.

"I can't hold this report like this forever now. Are you going to read it? I wrote it special for you." There was a mirthful edge to Nick's tone as he leaned over the Chief's desk. "Just the way you like it."

The glare Bogo fixed his officer with was chilling. The heat of a thousand suns burned behind his eyes as all his frustrations, hatred, and fears were focused on that single being in the universe.

"Give me the file." The Chief whispered, hardly audible above the quiet hum of his desk fan.

"What was that Chief?" The vulpine asked as he leaned in further towards his superior. "I couldn't quite hear you. Do you think you could speak up?"

"Give me the file. Now." The water buffalo responded, his voice dangerous and warning.

Ignoring the tone of his voice, Nick placed the file in front of Bogo, an intense smugness schooled on his features. The Chief, if he were asked in that moment, would say it was emanating from the vulpine in visible waves of energy.

Still smiling, Nick said, "There you go." He slowly leaned up from the desk and walked back to the door of the office. As he stood in the doorway he looked over his should at the Chief, and added, "It was a pretty easy case. I hope the report doesn't bore you too much."

Nicholas Wilde was known for pushing his luck. Right then, it seemed he may have pushed it too far. Chief Bogo was trembling with a barely contained rage that seemed as if it had reached its melting point right then.

The tension in the air was thick as the two mammals stared each other down, one feeling prideful in his victory, the other only enveloped in the warm forces of the dark side. They had already gone beyond whatever there are words for. In all talk there is a grain of contempt, and contempt was far too weak to describe their feelings.

Finally, the vulpine gave a wink to the Chief before walking away, leaving the buffalo with the report he had been forced into reading. Nick Wilde smiled for the rest of the day.

Chief Bogo made several futile attempts to calm himself before he read the file. He breathed in and out slowly, and learned something very important. He closed his eyes and imagined himself trapping Officer Wilde somewhere and leaving him there. He shouted for help, and no one came for him. He would stay there. Forever.

After a few minutes of this he felt good enough to actually open his eyes again. He looked down at the report and flipped the front cover open. Maybe it was normal. Maybe the Chief had nothing to fear from his officer.

…

 _From the joint desk of Officers Hopps and Wilde, November 18th, Rescue of the Forgotten One, Bridget Barnes, abandoned by the city she loved and the ZPD until she was saved by two brave, determined, intelligent, perceptive, sexy, desirable, caring, amazing, dreamy officers_

…

Chief Bogo closed his eyes and went to his happy place. _Officer Wilde. Trapped. Alone. Scared. No one to help him. Officer Wilde. Trapped. Alone. Scared. No one to help him._

 _…_

 _First, though, I want to talk about a movie. I saw it and now I have to tell someone about it. You're that someone, Big Guy._

 _Carrots and me watched this really amazing movie yesterday. It was called_ ** _"Birdemic: Horror and Shock."_** _Wow, was it hilarious. A true masterpiece. The main character was just great. I heard originally a brick wall was supposed to get the role, but he had to bail out at the last second. They ended up replacing him with a block of wood. It was the most convincing performance I've ever seen. Woody really knocked it out of the park._

 _Plus, and this was really sweet of 'em, they were all progressive and hired a cameraman with no eyes. At least I think that's what they did, based on some of the shots in the movie. It's a gripping action/romance/thriller story with birds. Kamikaze birds that explode. Birds that spit acid. Birds that ninja slice people's throats. I'm already feeling the Horror. The Shock comes when you realize someone made this movie._

 _Who created this cinematographic work of art you ask? Don't ask._

 _Also, I'm doing movie reviews now. Tell your friends._

 _Anyways, I just thought you'd appreciate if I shared that first, since this case was so boring and all. I know how much you appreciate a good movie._

…

Chief Bogo massaged his temples thoroughly. He just couldn't win. Not even once.

…

 _I'm sure for a lesser investigator than myself it would have been a supremely difficult case, but luckily, both myself and Officer Judy Hopps are mammals of the utmost quality and capacity. It would take an apocalyptic deluge to incapacitate our perfect faculties and diminish our abilities to solve any case._

 _Immediately, we went about the investigation in a professional, unique, and efficient way, just like I do all my police work. We began by questioning mammals with connections to Bridget, starting with her husband, John H. Erf. E. L. Barnes._

 _Where you concerned had I stroke there? Because no, that's actually his name. His name is John H. Erf. E. L. Barnes._

 _Those aren't even initials. That's just his actual name. There are periods in his name. How does that exist? What family is this even? Did something happen? Is there a story to it like this:_

 _"John Herferdareel Barnes was inspecting his company's oil fields one day, when a freak accident occurred. One of the pumps malfunctioned, spraying boiling hot oil from the depths of the earth all across his family's land._

 _Everyone began to run, except John H. Barnes. John was a hero, and he rushed in to the fray to save the remaining workers that had been too close to the blast to run. He dove into the muck head first to pull the three men out by himself. He threw the workers fifty feet away to safety. Then he shut down the oil pump with just his bare hands. And an off switch. Searing oil rained down on John, but he ignored the pain. Those men he saved got to live without any injuries, but John…_

 _Poor bastard. His name used to be so beautiful before the accident."_

 _So we went to John Barnes' house and questioned the guy. Turns out he's got a new girlfriend and a new life. Nice house too. Really good interior decorator had been through there. I was impressed. He also had this nice stack of vinyls, which was cool. Also, he's insanely rich. I mean, stupidly so._

 _Oh, and he had no information on his missing wife, except for a picture he took of them on main street the day before she went missing. Carrots suggested that we follow up on that and talk to every single shop owner on main street. Every. Single. One. I suggested that we don't do that, because I valued our collective sanity._

 _Carrots did see something else in the picture though. There was a figure in the background watching Bridget. Everyone had already seen this, since a copy of the picture was already on file, but it took the trained eyes of a brilliant and magnanimous officer, who could recognize the tacky rain coat the culprit wore, even at a distance. It took the my perceptive eyes._

 _It was a knock-off coat sold by a shifty and dubious individual, known for his lack of integrity and complete disregard for all type of morality. There are mammals who do bad things. Then there are mammals who are bad. This mammal transcended that, and when looking into his scowling features, one could swear it was the face of true evil._

 _Nah, I'm just kidding. It was some guy name Paul who used to sell crap on my street corner. He tried to sell me a Rolex once. It was pink and had ladybug stickers on it. It's part of their new product line, I guess._

 _I was in uniform when he did this. That Paul. Real smart guy. He's no Hoofdor Doofington or anything, but he's pretty great. He had like twenty coats and a bunch of other things with him when we found him. He had this one item, though, that I thought you would like it. I bought it as a gift for you. I thought you could use. It's in the manila envelope in the folder._

…

The Chief pulled the manila envelope from the folder staring at it. As apprehensive as he was of a "gift" from the fox, he stuck his hoof into folder and felt a narrow, plastic-like object. He quickly pulled it out and saw that it was a car freshener. It was black all over and the name on the label was, "Black Ice." Bogo looked back to the report quizzically.

…

 _Your office smells like anger and tears. I thought it would freshen it up some. I'm not actually sure what "Black Ice" means, but I'm also pretty sure it's not completely illegal._

 _So anyways, Carrots goes all Rent-A-Cop on Paul and threatens to lock him away for…I don't remember. Collusion? Something like that._

 _Amazingly, Paul didn't remember who he sold a knock-off trench coat like that to a year ago. My partner didn't believe him, because that's just one of those things you remember._

 _Who could forget the time they met the love of their life? Or their wedding day? Or when a child took its first steps? Who could forget their favorite childhood home, the breeze, the smell, the altogether joy of being there? And who could possibly forget when they sold a dingy knock-off coat to someone in a dark alley for twenty big ones?_

 _I know I'll never forget my first time._

 _Eventually Carrots and me settled on a different approach and asked him where he got the coats. He was reluctant to respond after being threatened with forty-four consecutive life sentences by Officer Dredd, but we coaxed him into telling us who his manufacturer was._

 _And by we, I mean me. I did that part. My partner wanted to play good cop, bad cop, except bad cop was replaced with crazy-psycho cop instead. Now, I would tell you how I did it, Boogie, but it's a trade secret._

 _On and unrelated note, I need to be reimbursed for a pink fake Rolex with lady bug stickers on it I had to purchase as a part of a different, unrelated case. It cost about-_

…

Chief Bogo's eyes bulged slightly as he read the number in question. He leaned back in his chair, blinking away the tears creeping into the corners of his eyes. He marked down the cost of the watch on notepad with a message attached saying, "Pay bribe. Leisure Expense."

The large buffalo could not help but groan loudly as he did so, for he had recently learned that the Leisure Expenses came directly out of his end of year bonus.

The place Wilde was to be locked up in had just evolved from a pit into an underground dungeon in the Chief's mind.

…

 _Turns out he got these fake coats from a warehouse in Sahara Square. We were there in like minutes because Officer Speed Demon drove the car 80mph with the sirens blaring. She didn't even give me time to buckle up. But yeah, it was good to get there fast._

 _It's not like the case went cold two years ago or anything, right?_

 _When we get there, it looks empty, except for a truck out in front of it. Which I think is silly. If you're gonna run a fake business, at least have a front or something. Nothing looks more suspicious than an abandoned, unused warehouse with a bunch of trucks out front. Seriously, if I was a criminal, I would do it way better than that._

 _Technically the place is private property so we can't enter without probable cause or a warrant. Luckily, the geniuses inside had the best business mantra I've ever heard. I'll just transcribe what Carrots and I heard them say through the doors of the warehouse._

 _"1, 2, 3, GO DRUGS! YEAH!"_

 _There's probable cause. Then there's hearing this:_

 _"I can't wait to sell all these illicit drugs!"_

 _"Great job everyone! If we had any more drugs to sell we could have a pool made of money!"_

 _"I'm so glad we got into the illegal drug trade business!"_

 _"Me too! It's way better than illegally making knock-off designer outfits!"_

 _"Alright guys that's enough! Let's get out there and sell these 40 kilos of cat nip, 20 kilos of adrenaline, and 10 kilos of refined carrot sugar! Go team!"_

 _I'm gonna need a stronger word than probable here._

 _Hopps and I burst into the place and find three guys together, standing next to tables of drugs, clothes, and Pringles- only the pizza flavor for some reason. I guess that was their other business. It's important to diversify your portfolio and extend your product line, Chief. We were dealing with titans of the industry._

 _They turn around and just kind of freeze up. Now, normally that's a bad sign. When I see a guy freeze up I duck for cover because that means they're thinking. And when people like that think they remember that thinking is hard and then they just try to kill you…I'm guessing. I was a law abiding citizen before I was a cop._

 _Their leader stepped up anyways, waving his two guys down, while me and Carrots are standing across from them, tranquilizers drawn. He has this frown drawn on his face and is looking pretty grim. I was worried we might actually have a firefight, but luckily one of his two guys was an expert at diffusing hostile situations._

 _This guy, a bear with 2 kilos of catnip under his arm, asks"Ya think they know about the drugs, Bill?"_

 _The world is a beautiful place, Chief. It's just beautiful. And it's full of so many gorgeous things. I don't want to ever have to leave it._

…

Bogo disagreed with that sentiment more and more each day.

I feel the same way with every new chapter of this story that gets posted. Someone please hire me for a different story. I'll narrate anything. Help me, please.

…

 _It was hard, but I managed to keep my gun steady. "Bill" looked at us up and down and then just got on his knees. His two guys followed suit. To the bear's credit, he never put the catnip down even when he was on the ground. That's real work dedication. Admirable._

 _Carrots and me moved pretty quickly to cuff them. We lugged up them up to a sitting position against one of their tables. It was at this point we tried to question them. Bill was non-cooperative and said nothing. He probably figured he was screwed anyways, and didn't want to give the cops anything else…I'm guessing. I was a law abiding citizen before I was a cop._

 _Whiskers asked him if he wanted to help save a missing young lady who could potentially be hurt or dead, and Bill asked her if she wanted to bury herself in the nearest ditch. Based on her reaction, I'm gonna say that wasn't the answer she wanted. I'll just transcribe the short interaction that happened after that._

 _Angry Bunny: "You think you're cute, huh?"_

 _Billy: "[Redacted: Expletive], I'm adorable."_

 _My partner marched off in a huff to call it in to the rest of the force so they could pick these guys up, which just left me alone with three suspects. She's so cute when she's mad._

 _I tried to schmooze the guy and he wouldn't bite. I pulled out all the stops too. I gave him a shoulder rub, I told him I'd get his inevitable sentence reduced if he helped, I offered him a stick of gum, and I told him I'd give him Satan's Finger. I love Satan's Finger. I've had it forever. It's my favorite. He still wouldn't budge._

 _Course, I didn't factor his bear friend in. Mr. Bearington was a very helpful individual. His exact question for Bill was, "Do you think they know about Don Herald helping her fake her death and start a new life?"_

 _Police work has been easier than I originally anticipated._

 _As soon as Officers McHorn and Trunkaby were on the scene, my partner and I left. Gotta say, I felt a little bad about leaving Horny and Trunks with 60 kilos of drugs, hundreds of clothes, three suspects, and three hundred pounds of pizza flavored Pringles, but Officer Rambo had the scent of Don Herald and was not going to let go._

 _Turns out Don Herald owns a repair shop in Sahara Square. Gotta say, for a rat who makes people disappear for a living he was very forthcoming with information._

 _We walked into the shop and before Judy asked him one question, he offered us a deal. No introductions, no denials, nothing. Technically the only crime committed was by Bridget Jones. He was just an accessory. He told us he'd let us know where she was if we happened to drop any charges that might be against him and leave him out of any public announcements about finding her. He wanted it in writing._

 _We could've waited it out and just interrogated him. Then again, if we tried to play it that way he could just stay quiet and we'd have nothing. Plus, he could get a warning off to Bridget and she'd run again. Then we'd have nothing and we couldn't hold him to anything. At least with his deal we got the bun._

 _Conniving little rat._

 _He didn't tell us exactly how he did, but as far as Hopps and me figure, it went something like this: He was friends with the drug dealers we'd arrested earlier, which is why he had one of those knock-off trench coats. He tried to get captured on picture watching Mrs. Barnes so that the disappearing looked more like an authentic kidnapping and less like a runaway. Then he got her out of town. Why did she want everyone to think she was kidnapped? No clue._

 _It's lucky this Don was friends with those dealers, though. If he had just bought the coat on the street we would never have found him. Instead he decided to get one for free from his friends. Thanks for being cheap, Don. Thanks. He gave us her location just like he said he would, and we left him alone just like we said we would._

 _Bridget Jones was a barista at a coffee shop in Podunk. She's been living under the name "Jane Doe." Don was smart, but apparently lacking in imagination. If I had a new life I'd want my name to be something that sounded suave or cool. Then again, my name already flows pretty well off the tongue. Nick Wilde. Damn, I'm smooth._

 _Anyways, Some local officers picked her up when we called them. She's in a room downstairs. She got there about twenty minutes before I gave this report to you. No idea why she wanted to disappear. I wanted to question her, but Officer Fangmeyer was very insistent that he had it handled and didn't need my help in interrogation. Fangs has been so jumpy around me lately, for some reason._

 _It was a pretty easy case. I'm surprised no one solved it sooner. But I guess it did take us a four hours, so I shouldn't be too mean._

 _Yours forever,_

 _Nick Wilde_

…

The report sat on his desk. Chief Bogo was not paying attention to it anymore. He spent weeks on that case. There had been no leads. There was absolutely nothing. In less than one work shift Officers Hopps and Wilde had cracked it.

They had literally stumbled on leads. Half of what Wilde described wasn't even police work. They just got lucky. The Chief was fuming. He had never felt so utterly inadequate as he did in that moment.

He simply refused to believe it. There was no possible way. It was a joke. It was Wilde trying to get a reaction out of him. That's all.

The Chief buzzed Clawhauser, practically smashing the phone as he brought his hoof down. "Clawhauser. Where is Officer Fangmeyer?"

There was a pause on the speaker before the cheetah's light voice broke through. "He's in interrogation room, uhhh, 3, Chief."

The water buffalo's tensed a bit. "Who else is in there?"

"What do you mean, sir?"

Bogo rolled his eyes and grunted. "Clawhauser. Who is he interrogating in room 3?"

"Well, Chief, he's interrogating Bridget Barnes." Clawhauser spoke matter-of-factly.

The Chief's blood froze as Clawhauser said that. It was true. It was all true. The Chief looked up to ceiling, whispering, "Why is it that you hate me?" There was no response to his question, and all that he could see was the eggshell colored roof staring back at him. The silence was deafening.

"Chief?" Clawhauser's voice broke Bogo out of his unpleasant trance.

The Chief asked, "What is it?" His voice was free of any emotion.

"Are you going out to the press conference now?" Clawhauser asked.

"What?" was the only response the cheetah received.

"The press conference, Chief. They just finished setting it up outside and they're all ready for you."

"What press conference?" Bogo asked, feeling fear begin to creep into his skin.

"The one you set up to talk about finding Mrs. Barnes," The cheetah said, not sounding altogether sure of himself. "They're all set up and the mayor is waiting on you."

"The mayor is here?" The Chief desperately tried to hide the sense of horror that was overtaking him.

That fox. That fox was somehow responsible for this. He'd set this up somehow. He'd set the Chief up. There was a press conference downstairs on a case he hadn't worked in over a year, and the only information he had to go on was from Officer Wilde's report. The buffalo was loathe to trust a source such as that.

He would have words with that fox later. But for now, he had to go deliver a message in front of the mayor and dozens of reporters on this case. He had no idea what he should say, or how much everyone already knew. If there were any sort of mercy in the world, Chief Bogo would manage not to embarrass himself in front of his boss.

However, someone had recently taught the Chief that there was no mercy.

"I'll be right down," The Chief growled over the speaker, frightening the receptionist. He began the journey towards the entrance of Precinct 1, dreading what was about to come.

It was going to be a disaster.

 **Two Hours Earlier, Room 234**

Erin Deckard was in her office, leaning back in her chair with an expression of intense interest painted on her features. On the other side of her desk sat a russet furred fox who wore an expression of smug disinterest.

"Can you do this?" The vulpine asked her, almost lazily.

Erin smirked. "It could be arranged in the next couple hours, if I get what I want."

Nick raised his eyebrow quizzically in response.

"The betting pool on you and Hopps is up to $2,600 now." Erin said.

"Which one?" Nick asked. "It seems like that's everyone's favorite topic."

"Oh, don't flatter yourself." Erin scoffed. "Everyone's betting on where you're going to get caught."

Nick had a puzzled look on his muzzle before the realization of what she meant hit him.

"Hate to break it to you, but Carrots and me aren't dumb enough to be all over each other at work." Nick replied. Then he flashed a devilish smile at Miss Deckard before adding, "But let's pretend she and I were to break that rule just once. Where do you think we'd be doing that?"

Deckard leaned forward, matching Nick's smile with one of her own. "I'd say the bullpen."

"Sounds kinda' bold there, sweetheart." Nick said, crossing his arms over his chest and resting his feet on her desk.

Erin gazed at the fox intently. "Very. In fact, I was the only one bold enough to bet on such an open place." Her eyes twinkled with mischief. "Or I will be, once my bet is placed after this meeting."

Nick chuckled lightly. "Fortune does favor the bold." There was a slight pause. When he next spoke the mirth had crept away from his voice and his eyes were narrowed at the coyote in front of him. "Just so long as none of this comes back to me."

A harsh laugh escaped from the coyote's lips as she said, "Believe me. The last thing I want is for anyone to know I agreed to do this. All this stays between us."

"We have a deal, then?" She stuck a paw out to the fox in front of her, which he promptly took. Nick rose from his chair and as he turned to leave, Erin said, "I'll make a few calls and it'll all be in place by the time your shift's over. Take care, Officer Wilde."

Nick Wilde peered around the sides of the entryway to her office, ensuring their were no curious onlookers, before swiftly moving down the hall to set the rest of his plan in motion. He offered a quick glance back as he heard the door shut behind him. The bold, black letters on the glass read, "Erin Deckard, Director of Public Relations, Precinct 1."

Nick Wilde could hardly contain his excitement as he settled down to write his case report. He really, really loved his job.

* * *

AN: Hey everyone, I just thought I should let you know that my current narrator is taking a personal day. So tomorrow I'm going to have a new narrator for the story. It's only for tomorrow, though, and I'll have my normal narrator back soon. Thanks for understanding!


	6. Case Reports BONUS - 4 REDACTED

**IMPORTANT PLEASE READ**

 **AN: Hey everyone! I mentioned this at the end of the last chapter, but I'm going to mention it again on this one. My normal narrator took a personal day, so I had to find a replacement for this chapter. Thanks for understanding!**

* * *

Chief Bogo had his head in his hooves as he quietly bemoaned his life. He had locked his office door as not to be disturbed, and was currently hoping that he could fade into the sweet, sweet nothingness of the void. The press conference the previous day had nearly been a disaster. He had performed exceedingly well, considering everything he said was off the cuff. He had even felt a bit proud.

But someone had leaked information to the press, both true and false, and Bogo found himself answering questions of the most inane variety. Unfortunately, Bogo was unsure what inane questions actually had some truth to them and which didn't, as the entire case seemed to have been ridiculous, and the Chief did not feel he could have complete faith in Wilde's report.

He spent a literal hour after his shift answering reporters in front of his mayor. Some of these questions included, but were not limited to:

"Is it true that Officer Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde busted an international drug ring while on this case?"

"Was Bridget Barnes kidnapped by drug dealers? Was she involved with a drug dealer?"

"If you were a color, what would you be?"

"How will the ZPD proceed now that Miss Barnes has been discovered to be the head of the cartel?"

The Chief was tired, and wanted to have a day to rest. If Officer Wilde thought it wise to further irritate him, however, then he would soon find out how far the Chief was willing to go to hurt him. Nick Wilde was known for pushing his luck, but even he knew when he had pushed it far enough.

The Chief thought about that irritating fox. That damnable Nick Wilde had somehow caused all of this to happen. He didn't know how, and all his attempts to find out so far had yielded no results. He had to spoken to Erin Deckard, the head of PR, to ask her how it could've possibly happened that a press conference were set up under his instruction without him being aware.

Miss Deckard, a respected and valued employee, had told him that it was a simple error. There was no source that she could find. It had just been a series of mistakes that led to this unfavorable situation the Chief had been put in. The water buffalo had tried to ask whether her department were open to being bribed, a question to which the coyote took great offense.

The Chief growled as he pondered the situation. Somehow, that vulpine had set this into motion. Somehow he had done this. As soon as the Chief found out, he would use every available lawful method of punishment he could to destroy the mongrel. Never again would he be annoyed by that fox after he was finished.

Thinking of the righteous justice caused the older buffalo to shiver in anticipation as he ruminated on how incredible the feeling would be. Nick Wilde would be a horror story the rest of the ZPD would tell to rookies and their kids. What would be the moral of the story? Nobody screws with the Chief.

The mere idea of it had Bogo feeling so exuberant that he could not help but try and expedite his dream. He moved from his chair, stepped out of his office, and yelled as loud as he possibly could, "WIIIIIIIIIIILDE!"

It t'was the standard greeting call of the Chief when he wanted and officer to come to him.

…

"What did you do Nick?" Judy asked her vulpine boyfriend.

"Nothing." Nick replied, feigning innocence.

Judy Hopps had known Nick Wilde for over a year now, and was perhaps one of the only people who could somewhat read him. She narrowed her eyes at him. "Ah huh. So why did the Chief just call you up?"

"I don't know. Maybe he just wants to congratulate me on a job well done yesterday." Nick offered his rabbit companion.

"Nick, let's be serious," Judy said, "I'm not being called up there." There was a moment's pause before she next spoke. "Did you give him my case report about Bridget yesterday?"

"I gave him a case report." Nick said earnestly.

All the bunny did was examine her partner up and down, as if such an action would ring the truth from him. She knew he was lying, but also knew that he wasn't going to tell her what he had done. If he wasn't telling her that meant it was bad enough that he didn't want her to be considered an accessory to his crime.

She took in the gentle contours of his features. She watched him exhale softly, his chest rising and falling with each breath. The vibrations of his slim chest entranced Judy like a charming snake. She felt a deep need settle within her as she thought about his well slim, muscled body- how wonderful it felt.

* * *

AN: Uh, what are you doing? That wasn't in the script I gave you, Narrator pro tempore.

* * *

Finally, Judy relented as she looked at the sexy fox. "Mmmm, fine." She gave the fox a smile before adding, "Just hurry back, okay? I prefer an alive you to a dead you."

Nick gave her a smile of his own, grateful to her for not prying any further. He didn't want to get her in trouble on this one in case he was caught. He felt there wasn't any real way he could be implicated unless Deckard rolled over, but the Chief wasn't dumb. He would be looking for a way to avenge himself on the fox.

Nick walked from their work area and ascended the stairs, making his way to Bogo's office.

…

The door to the Chief's office opened as he sat at his desk. He saw the smug visage of the vulpine he had summoned. He was leaning against the doorframe, looking at the Chief with half lidded eyes.

"You called, Master?" The vulpine said, the smirk not only visible on his face but also audible in his voice.

"Wilde." The water buffalo glared at his officer. "You did this, didn't you?"

"Did what, Chief," The fox asked quizzically. He cocked an eyebrow at his boss.

"Don't play games, Fox!" Chief Bogo snapped. "You know very well I mean the press conference yesterday."

The fox looked puzzled, carefully stroking his chin as he tried to make it apparent he was deep in thought. Then snapped his fingers as recognition spread across his face. "Your press conference! I remember watching that. You did great Chief. I was kind of surprised you called one so quickly after we broke the case, though."

Bogo snorted. "If you admit to setting it up now, I'll let you keep your job."

The fox blinked, before bringing a clawed hand to his chest. "Now Chief, I'm appalled that you would think I'd be so cruel as to do something like that to you." He wiped a tear from his eyes. "Don't you know I love you, sir?"

Hatred was visible in the Chief's eyes. He stared at the fox with a barely controlled rage. As deep and as forceful as that anger was, however, a much deeper emotion sat within the water buffalo's chest. He felt that passionate feeling flare up inside him as he looked at the officer in front of him. It threatened to overtake his entire being. It was a feeling like no other.

Lust.

* * *

AN: Hold on, what?

* * *

The Chief rose from his desk, staring down the fox as his own long hidden desires overpowered his feelings in that moment. He could not feel anything for his officer except need. He needed Nick Wilde. He needed to feel him.

The vulpine knew as soon as he looked into the Chief's eyes. He knew. He had felt the same way for so long. When he saw the fire burning in his boss' eyes he felt his own inner passions rise. He had repressed them for so long, but finally he could be free with the buffalo. He wanted to be with _his_ Chief.

* * *

AN: No. No, he didn't. What are you doing? Just narrate what I wrote.

* * *

They were upon each other in moments, Nick racing across the room towards his new lover, and Bogo standing with arms held wide to receive him in a joyous embrace. There arms swung around each other as they took in the feel of one another's bodies.

Nick's hands ran over Chief Bogo's backs as if he was the father he had never known, while his Chief's arms wound around him like a needy kit.

* * *

AN: Holy shit. I do not like the implications of what you just said. Why would you phrase it that way?

* * *

The Chief could feel the smaller mammals gentle breaths as they brushed against his uniform, sending shivers down his spine. He closed his eyes for a single moment, taking in the magical feel of the situation as all thoughts drained from his head. He could only focus on the intense happiness he felt then, holding _his_ small fox.

Nick could feel the larger mammal's heart beating beneath his well-muscled chest. He nuzzled his face deeper into the embrace as he listened to the rhythmic noise. The absolute thrill of the situation raced through the impish fox all at once, and he could not help but smile in a child-like excitement. He was as happy as a young boy given free reign by his parent to have any candy he wanted.

* * *

AN: Please stop comparing him to a little kid. This is already uncomfortable enough for me.

* * *

They had known this would happen. Everyone who had seen them together knew this would happen. The passion between them had gone untouched for so long that it was only natural that it would eventually explode in a fantastical way that left both of them panting and tired. This entire situation was meant to be.

It was inevitable.

* * *

AN: I can promise you, it was very evitable.

* * *

They took a pause in their gentle caresses of one another to take stock of the situation. Bogo opened his eyes and gazed down at his ever so fine officer of the law.

Mmm, emphasis on _fine._

Nicholas met the Chief's eyes. He was admiring the incredibly desirable hazel tinted orbs so intensely that one would've thought he was looking upon an oasis in the desert. To him, they were even better. It was the same loving look a child would have when looking into a proud father's eyes.

Emerald eyes met hazel as the two longed to be one. There was a sparkle to the young, naive fox's eyes as he looked to those of his much older, mature mate.

* * *

AN: This was a mistake. I see that now. I should have just waited for my regular narrator to come back from his vacation. You're not even listening to me.

* * *

Nicholas Piberius Wilde felt like an innocent child again.

* * *

AN: What is wrong with you? Why do you keep describing him that way? This is not okay. I am not okay with what is happening right now.

* * *

Finally, the tension and electricity came to a complete halt as the Chief leaned forward and the fox tilted his head upwards in a sign of acceptance.

All sorts of thoughts passed through their minds right then. The Chief, thoughts of how jealous the world would be when he showed off his delectably handsome vulpine companion off. Officer Wilde thought of how right this moment felt, of how everything he had ever done in his entire life had led up to this one moment.

The two moved closer, Nick's eyes half-lidded with a sultry gaze. The Chief's eyes were wide open, because he did not want to miss a single second of what was about to come.

Their lips met.

* * *

AN: Your last employers never mentioned this to me when I called them. Is this a new thing with you?

* * *

They pulled away after a long awaited and loving kiss, the only feeling left between the two being that of happiness and love. A faint smile found it's way to the Chief's lips, whereas the sexy russet furred beast in his arms sported a grin unlike any seen before. It was a genuine smile. A smile he rarely used, only feeling the need for it on the most sacred and special of occasions.

Chief Bogo felt honored by such a gesture, his heart feeling as if it had grown exponentially. He showed this newfound joy to his sultry and naughty fox by speaking to him. "I love you, you absolute fool. Everyday I wake up thinking of you and everyday I fall asleep with you in my mind. You're my everything.

Nick blushed, the red visible through his cheeks. "I love you too, you big, beautiful boy." He nuzzled into his superior's neck. "Never let go."

The Chief looked down at him. "I'll never let go, Nick. I'll never let go."

* * *

AN: You're just ripping lines from Titanic now.

* * *

The Chief threw Officer Wilde down upon his desk, leaning over him with an animal need clear in his eyes. This was it. This was the moment their passions would run free, this was the moment. The Chief began tearing at the vulpine's uniform as button after button came undone. Nick acted with the same ferocity towards him and-

* * *

AN: Holy fuck. No. No, no. Never. Nope. Not happening. This is done now. We're done now. I'm keeping the T rating on this story. This is not what I meant when I tagged this story "Romance." This chapter is over. You're done now, Narrator pro tempore. You're fired. My old narrator will be back tomorrow and you're gone.

This chapter never happened. It is not canon. None of this happened. There was no bonus chapter to Case Reports - 4.


	7. Tale from the Bunnyburrow Sheriff

AN: I have a poll up on my profile page. Take it. Thanks.

* * *

Chief Bogo was a happy mammal. It was the holiday season for most of Zootopia and the amount of serious crimes had decreased. It was true that Shoplifting was happening at a higher rate, as well as some other smaller crimes, but things were just generally better in the city this time of year. Except for the exponential increase in the number of suicides. That was pretty depressing, actually. That one did not make the Chief happy. They had a hotline and free therapeutical clinics all around the city, but only so much could be done. It was just genuinely awful. There's not even a joke in the script for this. It's just sad.

As happy as the lower crime rate made the Chief, what made him ecstatic was another, more specific reason. Officer Judy Hopps had gone to her family's home in Bunnyburrow to celebrate the holidays. More importantly, she had taken her boyfriend, Officer Nicholas Wilde, with her. The Chief was completely free of his antics and able to truly enjoy the holidays. Well, as much enjoyment as the water buffalo allowed himself. He still had his precinct to run.

While filing paperwork and dealing with the annual expense reports, Bogo found his thoughts drifting to his two officers. He wondered what might happen in a conservative town like Bunnyburrow when a rabbit brought home her fox lover. Perhaps the drama would've been interesting. Ultimately, the Chief defaulted to his normal philosophy when thinking of his officers and their personal lives.

He tried to be like the majestic honey badger, which neither cared, nor gave a shit. He applied this philosophy now as he continued signing off on various documents, forgetting all about his two vacationing officers.

 **MEANWHILE AT THE BUNNYBURROW PD**

Sheriff Randy Taylor lounged at his desk, eating pie and reading his book. He loved books. He really hated reading, though. I'm not particularly sure how those two ideas really meshed, but that's just how it was. I didn't write this tripe.

He moved his head and cocked an ear when he saw the door to the station opening. His deputy, Barney Floof, walked in, quickly followed by a fellow Sheriff Taylor had never seen before. Randy would have remembered if he had seen him, mainly because he stuck out from the Bunnyburrow's regular population.

"Well hey there, Barney. Who's your new friend?" The Sheriff asked with a wide smile on his face.

Deputy Floof roughly shook the fox, who Randy could now see was in handcuffs. "This here is an intruder I found up at the Hopps' residence. There was a call about a suspicious figure in that area."

"I didn't do anything." The fox said. He turned his head towards the Sheriff. "Deputy Himmler here arrested me for no reason."

"Quiet you!" Snapped Barney as he led the prisoner to one of the two holding cells in the small station. He pushed the vulpine into the room and closed the cell door. He quickly undid the cuffs he had used to restrain the prisoner.

"Ah huh." Said Sheriff Taylor, his eyebrow cocked at the prisoner. "Uh, Barney? Mind telling me what exactly he was supposed to have been doing? Or who he is?"

"My name is Nick Wilde, and I'm guilty of relaxing in my girlfriend's living room." The vulpine yelled from his cell. "For which your deputy was good enough to arrest me for."

"Nice to meet you, Nick. I'm Randy, and this is my deputy, Barney," replied the Sheriff politely.

"Yeah, great. Please let me go now." Wilde said, clearly annoyed.

"Absolutely not!" Interjected Deputy Floof. "Randy, we got a call about a suspicious individual in that area matching his description."

"His description?" The Sheriff asked.

"Yes, the call mentioned that the individual was red furred and lean." The deputy said.

"You mean like almost every fox? Real fine detective work there!" Called the lean, red furred beast in the cell.

"And, uh, who exactly made this call, Barney?" The Sheriff asked, his ears twitching with apprehension.

Deputy Floof quickly averted his eyes from the Sheriff, instead opting to look at his feet as he awkwardly shuffled them around. He mumbled out something completely inaudible to the Sheriff, which was a feat considering how sensitive the rabbit's hearing was.

"What was that, Barney?"

"I said the that it was Bertha Bounce who called us." Barney said, looking anywhere except at his friend's eyes.

Exasperation showed on the Sheriff's face, and when he next spoke his voice was a slightly higher pitch. "Bertha calls about a suspicious figure whenever anything happens, Barney! Gideon Grey delivered her a pie once and she called it in."

"It's my duty as an officer to never ignore a citizen in need, Randy!" Barney exclaimed.

"Barney. Let him go." The Sheriff said, his eyes closing as he sighed. "You can't arrest people because Bertha called us."

"Oh finally," said Nick from his cell, which he was currently holding the bars of. "Someone said something reasonable."

His deputy took a step closer to his superior, leaning over his desk with disappointment clearly etched on his features. "Oh, come on, Randy. I haven't gotten to arrest anyone in weeks. Can't we juts keep him a little while?"

"Barney!" Sheriff Taylor exclaimed with finality and more than a little annoyance. The fox in the cell looked equally vexed by the deputy's attitude.

"Fine." Deputy Floof sighed as he moved towards Nick's cell with the key. Nick waited for him impatiently, his usual smirk replaced with an expression of irritation. The sooner he was out of there, the better. He had never been a fan of jail. Especially when it was a jail that had him inside it. That was his least favorite type of jail.

"Hurry up and get me out of here!" He said as the deputy stood in front his cell door, the key extended.

The door to the station slammed open before he reached the cell, however. All three heads in the room turned when they heard the slam of the wood against the walls. A young, angry looking bunny stomped into the room, her ears completely straight and her fists curled into balls. She looked at the Sheriff with an emotion that would be difficult to describe.

Most people would call it anger. The word anger doesn't seem strong enough to describe what she was feeling. The phrase 'Glacier-melting inferno of rage' was even seeming a bit weak right now.

"Hi there, Judy." The Sheriff said, pretending she didn't look like she was about to commit murder. He smiled tentatively. "Long time no see."

"I take it back. Leave me in the cell. I want there to be bars between me and her right now." Nick whispered to the deputy standing in front of him.

"You arrested my boyfriend!?" Judy half yelled as she stared at Sheriff Taylor.

"Your boyfriend?" Randy said, quickly glancing at the cell. His smiled turned into a frown as he realized how bad the situation had just become. "Oh, no."

"YOU ARRESTED MY BOYFRIEND!?" Judy had now begun full yelling. Nick Wilde shrunk to the back of his cell, trying to avoid line of sight.

"Uh, well Judy-" Randy started, smiling and trying to diffuse the explosion that was about to happen. "Calm down and I'll explain."

Judy glared at him. "Calm down? You want me to calm down?"

It was then that Sheriff Taylor knew his choice of words was not a good idea.

"I want you to explain to me why I had to come home from my family's carrot fields and hear about how my front door got kicked in and my boyfriend arrested and dragged down here." The little bunny's voice had a tremor in it as her fists tightened.

Taylor looked to his deputy. "No, Barney you didn't kick in the door did you?"

His deputy fidgeted in his place. "Well I had to Randy. I thought he might run if I announced myself first. And he had his teeth out near those kids."

"Of course his teeth were out! He was talking to them. They're not retractable!" Judy screamed, her attention shifting on the deputy. Barney Floof wilted under the combined pressure of her shouting and intense glare.

Then Deputy Floof puffed up his chest a bit and stared back at Hopps. "Now, listen here. The suspect has never been seen in the area before, and when got a call about a suspicious figure in the area!"

"He's visiting my family with me! Of course he's never been seen in the area before. He doesn't live here, Barney!" Judy responded back to the overeager deputy. "Sweet cheese and crackers, no one should be this incompetent!"

Barney shrunk back at her harsh words.

"Carrots, Carrots," said Nick, "This was all just a big misunderstanding. Complete accident, really."

As annoyed as he was, he didn't want this to get out of hand.

"Quiet, Nick. I'm handling this." Judy snapped at the vulpine.

Nick shifted back in his cell, not wanting to challenge her further. Sometimes he felt it best to simply avoid her when she was like this. On the bright side, at least she wasn't mad at him this time. He decided to just savor the moment and smirked as he watched the scene unfold.

"You're unlocking the cell and letting him out. Now." Judy said to the Sheriff bluntly. It was obvious by her tone that she would accept no arguments.

Sheriff Taylor, still hoping to salvage the situation spoke up. He was known around town for having a silver tongue, and hoped it could maybe make things a bit more pleasant. He smiled at Judy and said, "Well, as a matter of fact we were just about to do that anyways when you came in."

"Unlock the cell. Let him out. Now." Judy repeated as if she had not heard Randy.

The Sheriff gulped. There wasn't a way to resolve this he could see. He chuckled and continued to smile as he examined the young bunny in front of him. He knew everyone in Bunnyburrow, and had known little Judy Hopps since she was a tiny doe. Because of that, he knew that now was a good time to cut his losses and just stop trying.

His eyes never left Judy as he said, "Barney."

The deputy, who was currently feeling very small, hastily unlocked the cell and opened the door. He didn't say a word of protest as the fox casually walked out of the cell, a smug smirk on his face. He had slipped back into his normal demeanor. He walked to his mate's side and stood there.

Judy flashed a warm smile at Nick before returning her attention to the Sheriff. She glared at him for a moment more. The smile Taylor had put on shrunk as he saw the look on the bunny girl's face had not softened at all. He prepared himself to be berated again.

Just as the rabbit opened her mouth, however, the fox next to her leaned over to whisper something in her ear. He gave a small wink to Randy Taylor, which confused and slightly worried the Sheriff. After the fox had finished Judy closed her mouth. She stared at the Sheriff for a few more seconds before huffing and walking out the station's door, Nick following behind her.

Before he left the fox turned around and smirked at the Sheriff. "It was nice meeting you, Sheriff."

The Sheriff smiled in response. "Nice to meet you too, Mr. Wilde. Hopefully next time I see you under better circumstances."

The fox smile grew. "Officer Wilde, actually. Of the ZPD." He nodded again to the Sheriff. Then he looked at the deputy still standing in silence by the cell. "Bye, Director Heydrich."

With that, the vulpine ducked out of the station and hurried after his partner.

Randy Taylor's smile fell as he looked at his deputy, who was avoiding eye contact. "Barney."

"Hmm?" Barney hummed, trying to look nonchalant.

"You arrested a police officer?" Sheriff Randy Taylor asked incredulously.

Deputy Barney Floof coughed, but did not respond.

The Sheriff leaned back in his wooden chair, putting a paw on his forehead as he groaned. He was not looking forward to attending the holiday dinner Stu Hopps had invited he and his deputy to.

* * *

AN: I didn't have a lot of time to write a normal chapter today, but I still wanted to write something up. As is always the case, whether I continue will be based on response.


	8. Case Reports - 5

**AN: I have a new poll up on my profile page. It's in regards to a new story. Take it, but don't take it too seriously.**

* * *

A small porcupine scurried down the hall, a stack of files tucked neatly under his arm. He dodged around various larger officers and employees who didn't see him, narrowly avoiding quilling a few of them. The last thing he needed was to be taken up to HR and have to fill out yet another incident report regarding accidentally shanking his colleagues. It was just tedious after a while.

He came to a stop in front of the Chief's door, looking up at the bold black lettering emblazoned on the door that announced the water buffalo's title. He gingerly put a paw up to the door, his hand not even high enough to reach the glass of the door, and tapped three times on the white wood.

Nothing happened, leaving the small porcupine to wonder if the Chief was out at that particular time. Then a gruff came from the room, simply saying "Come in." The porcupine stretched up to push open the door. He walked in to see his Chief sitting at his desk.

He appeared to be going over some sort of document. His reading glasses sat on the bridge of his nose as his eyes skimmed over the page. He flicked a hoof up to turn the page.

Upon hearing the door open he glanced over at the porcupine nervously walking into the room. "What is it, Mr. Quills?"

"I have a report, sir. It's a report from an officer on one of their cases." He awkwardly gestured to the bundle in his hands. "Dr. Hobbes thought you should read it."

"Then hand it over, Calvin." The Chief replied brusquely.

"Ye-Yes sir." The nervous porcupine said as he moved towards the desk. He found himself often intimidated in the presence of Chief Bogo, who he personally thought had a very commanding presence.

Calvin Quills reached over for one of the files tucked under his arm, but faltered and ended up dropping the entire stack to the ground. The various reports, financial documents, records, and other materials flopped to the floor, papers flying from their designated folders. Many landed next to Bogo.

The Chief, seeing this, sighed. He leaned over to help the nervous porcupine pick up the mess. He handed over the papers he found to the small records mammal, who accepted them with a mumbled "Thank you" and clear signs of distress.

After he had placed the lost documents into what he assumed to be the correct files, he looked towards the floor and said, "Sorry, sir. I didn't mean to do that."

Chief Bogo rolled his eyes. "It's fine, Quills. Now would you kindly hand me the report you said you were here to give me?"

"Oh, yes, yes. Sorry, sir! Here you are." Calvin said, handing one of the files he had just picked up to his Chief.

"Thank you, Calvin." The Chief spoke calmly, trying not to make the young porcupine anymore jittery. "Is that all?"

"Yes sir!" Calvin Quills said with gulping.

"Wonderful. Close the door on your way out." The Chief spoke, turning his attention to the report he had just been handed.

Mr. Quills shuffled his feet anxiously before turning to walk from the from. As soon as he had closed the door to Chief Bogo's office he began scurrying again. He had to head towards the detective offices to deliver several autopsy reports on a recent incident. It appeared to be a classic case of ice cream delivery gone wrong, ending in the deaths of 3 different people.

Chief Bogo stared at the report in his hooves. He was apprehensive of what might be in it, but also cautiously optimistic that it wouldn't be anything too offensive. He opened the cover of the file, and read the first line of the report.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Judy Hopps, November 30th, Arrest of Suspect Larry Waddell_

…

The Chief sighed. He was no longer cautiously optimistic, settling instead for only a desperate and unrivaled pessimism- that way he would not be nearly as disappointed.

…

 _My partner and I came across the suspect, Waddell, trying to break into someone's shop yesterday. We were on patrol as we were assigned. It was approximately 2:00pm and we found the suspect in district 3, attempting to break into a store while the owner and his employees were on their riposo._

 _The suspect was armed with a set of picks which he was trying to use to get into the store, while maintaining an appearance of outward innocence. He was not skulking and was instead trying to make it appear as if he were using a key to get into the business. I was driving the patrol vehicle so it was Officer Wilde who noticed that there was, in fact, a crime being committed._

 _I stopped the vehicle across the street and both Officer Wilde and myself exited the vehicle to approach the suspect. He was unaware of our presence, and instead seemed quite intent upon his task. As my partner and I safely came to the other side of the street I was able to hear the tumblers of the lock click into place._

 _I called out to the suspect before he could enter the place he was attempting to break into and (assumedly) rob. The raccoon in question turned to face me. Upon seeing my partner and myself he smiled and inquired as to what the issue was._

 _Thereupon I accused the suspect of the crime and questioned him as to what he thought he was doing. He made a claim that he was not breaking in, and that the shop was his place of business. He further stated that he did not like being accused of criminal activity, being the law abiding citizen that he was._

 _I informed the suspect, who was feigning innocence, that we had seen him breaking into this place, and that it was not, in fact, his place of business. If it were he would not have used lock picks to enter the shop. The suspect visibly tensed at the statement, but did not give away any other information._

 _It was then that Officer Wilde recognized the suspect as Larry Waddell, a thief he had…heard of. Waddell, upon hearing his name, dropped all pretenses of politeness and began looking agitated. I then told him he was under arrest. I removed my handcuffs from my belt and advanced on Waddell as my partner maintained distance in case Waddell slipped by me._

 _The suspect tried to make a dash past me, likely assuming I was an easier target to avoid than my partner. I intercepted his path of escape and subdued the suspect, cuffing him in the process. I began to read him his rights as my partner went back to the patrol car to report the arrest._

 _Unfortunately, during the struggle that ensued when the suspect attempted to run, he had scraped his elbow against the sidewalk and acquired a very minor injury. It was unavoidable, however, and no fault of my own that this occurred._

 _I returned to the patrol car with the suspect, whereupon Officer Wilde and I brought him to the station. His wound was treated there and he was processed._

 _-Officer Judy Hopps_

…

The Chief snorted. That hadn't been so bad.

He pulled Wilde's report from the same file. This would probably be bad, however. Deciding not to think about whatever horror was in store for him, he plunged right into the report.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Wilde, November 30th, Arrest of Larry Waddell_

 _I second whatever Officer Hopps said in her report. We found the suspect, Larry Waddell, attempting to break into a small store that had closed for lunch hour. We apprehended him and he gained a slight cut on his elbow. He was booked for processing._

 _-Officer Nick Wilde_

…

The Chief was slightly confused as he finished the report. It was very brief, which was surprising considering who wrote it, and it was very standard, which was even more surprising considering who wrote it. For a moment Chief Bogo was concerned that the fox was playing at some sort of game, and was currently setting up an elaborate situation to annoy the Chief.

The report itself was actually poorly done. It was not nearly as thorough as the Chief expected his officers to be in detailing the events their arrests and other activities. If this was any other officer report, the Chief would've been furious at the lack of care they put into their work. This was not any officer, though.

As it was, Officer Wilde had set the bar so low on discipline and general officer behavior that this was basically an achievement. All Chief Bogo could say about the situation was, "That's not as bad as I thought it'd be. Huh."

He signed off on the reports and placed both in the approved bin. He smiled slightly as he spoke to himself. "That wasn't bad at all. Strange."

Chief Bogo was happy the rest of the day.

…

"Your report was pretty short today, Nick." Judy said to her partner, as they ate lunch in their patrol car.

"Eh." Nick said. "I just seconded what you said and summarized the situation."

"It was also lacking in your personal…flair." Judy said.

Nick smirked evilly as the words left her mouth. He turned to look at her, his emerald eyes gleaming with mischief and joy. He looked downright ecstatic. Finally, he opened his maw and said to his girlfriend, "Was it now? I just thought it'd be a nice change of pace."

Judy raised an eyebrow at her fox's antics, a smile appearing on her own features. "What are you planning, fox?"

"Oh, just a little fun with our ole' Chief. I think he'll really like this. I thought about it for a while." Said the vulpine, as he took another bite out of his sandwich.

"How are you going to mess with him this time, then?" Judy asked.

"Are you sure you really want know, Carrots?" Nick asked her back. He had his signature smug smirk on.

Judy lifted a paw and placed it on the fox's own, intertwining their hands. She leaned over to her partner and whispered, "Well, we are partners aren't we?"

Nick chuckled as he looked at her. "Alright, Whiskers. I'm going to give him normal reports for a week until he breaks."

"Until he breaks?" Judy echoed quizzically.

"That's right." Nick said with barely concealed mirth in his voice. "I'm going to give him normal reports until he goes nuts."

Judy leaned back from the fox, removing her paw from his. "First off, that's offensive to squirrels, secondly, that's your plan?"

Nick looked surprised at the incredulity in her voice. He was expecting her to think it was a good idea. "Well, yeah. It's a psychological thing. He's going to start wondering what I'm up. It'll drive him up the wall. How are you not getting this, bunny?"

Judy rolled her eyes. "Nick. He's not going to care. It's the Chief. It won't bother him at all."

"You just don't see it, Carrots. After a week he'll be crazed and watching me like a hawk." Nick scoffed at the bunny.

A twinkle appeared in the lagomorph's amethyst eyes. "Do you want to bet on it?"

"Bet?" Nick asked.

"Mhmm. A bet. If after a week he isn't going crazy, you have do one thing of my choice. If he is, I have to do one thing of your choice." Judy looked at the fox expectantly.

Nick looked at her. He didn't like to make bets he wasn't sure he could win, but he also did not want to back down. He smirked smugly and spoke with a confidence he didn't really feel. "Fine. Easiest wager of my life."

The bunny had a devious look in her eyes. "It's a bet." She extended a paw to the vulpine, which he took gingerly.

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

Chief Bogo had never felt happier. He hadn't been annoyed by anything outside the ordinary in nearly a week. It even appeared that Officer Wilde was settling into life as an officer. His recent reports hadn't even needed to cross the Chief's desk for approval.

Bogo walked around, a skip in his step for the first time since he was a wee lad in Essex.

…

"I win. I told you he wouldn't care." The bunny said to her partner as they entered their apartment later that night.

"Fine." Nick replied, annoyed that his plan had not panned out. He had really expected Bogo to be more nervous. How could he not have been? He was a cop! Instead he had just been all…happy. Nick didn't even know he possessed that emotion.

"Do you know what I want you to do?" The bunny asked the fox.

"What do you want?" Nick asked her grouchily. He was not used to losing.

The bunny smiled at the fox before pulling a small book from a nearby bookshelf. She showed the book to her vulpine boyfriend, letting him glance at the cover before she began to turn through the pages.

"The _Bunny Sutra,_ Carrots? You can have me do anything and you just want me to do something I would've done anyways?" Nick eyed her up and down, confused at the situation.

Judy said nothing, turning in the small book until she reached the page she had been searching for. A smile graced her lips as she showed the page in question to Nick. She was going to enjoy this on so many different levels.

Nick Wilde had seen many things in his days as both a con-mammal and an officer of the law. He had seen death, theft, arson, grand theft auto, and even lollygagging. He couldn't keep his eyes from widening at what he saw now, though. "Wha-What is that?"

Judy smiled, pretending not to notice his gaping mouth and horrified expression. "It's called the 'Devil Cruncher.' I wanted to try it."

"What shape are they even in? Where does it start and end?" Nick asked, still unable to control his expressions.

"It's easier if you look at it upside down." Judy said. She flipped the book over and showed it to him again.

"Holy…I'm not sure my spine can bend that way, Carrots." Nick said to his lover.

"That's too bad, because you lost the bet." Judy spoke with finality. She stared down the fox as she slipped out of her police uniform. Nick wouldn't go back on his word. Not to her. She knew that, and so did he.

"Please don't do this." Nick was pleading with the bunny. Any other time Judy would've capitulated, as she found his begging quite endearing. She wouldn't back down here, though. She had earned this.

"You did this to yourself. Now get in the bedroom."

Nick Wilde was known for pushing his luck. Usually he knew when not to push it too far. Today, though, today Nick Wilde had made a mistake. One he was going to pay for.


	9. Special Report - Part 1

Calvin Quills was in the office of his superior, Dr. Hobbes. The good doctor had called him to his office for some unknown reason. Calvin was nervous by nature, but Dr. Hobbes was a rather easygoing and fun mammal who set his nerves at ease. It also helped that he happened to be Calvin's best friend. Still, Calvin could not help but be a tad anxious, as he had no idea why Dr. Hobbes had asked for him. Then he saw the report Dr. Hobbes had in his hand and it all became clear.

It was not technically a part of Dr. Hobbes job to read reports- he was the head of the Forensics- but he was sort of the de facto leader to the records department, forensics, and various other small departments in the precinct and enjoyed helping out each section. Plus, the reports provided him with entertainment. Or rather, one officer's reports in particular were entertaining.

"Haha! Calvin! Good to see you." The doctor said, his voice genuine and inviting.

"Hello, Hobbes. What are you reading?" Asked the porcupine, gesturing at the document his friend was holding.

A large and excited smile appeared on the doctor's face. "I'm glad you asked, Calvin! This is the latest report submitted by our dear Nick Wilde."

"Is it one for the Chief?" Calvin asked as he rose from his chair, expecting Dr. Hobbes to tell him to take it to the Chief.

"Oh no, no. Not this time, Calvin. I'm holding onto this one. I'm not sure Officer Wilde would keep his job after this one. I called you in here for a much different reason." Dr. Hobbes said.

"What's the reason?" Calvin asked. He thought he knew what the reason was, but he knew his friend loved to surprise.

"I'm going to read you this report! I enjoyed it quite a bit." Hobbes said, beaming at his young friend. "It seems Officer Wilde has a flair for writing."

"What do you mean?"

"I could tell you, but I'd much rather let this report do it." Hobbes said. "Ahem."

With that, Dr. Hobbes began to dictate the most recent report of Officer Wilde to his young friend.

…

 _From time to time I occasionally did my job. When I wasn't too busy playing cards or ordering another whiskey highball, I did my job. It wasn't easy and it wasn't clean. Digging through dumpsters, working long hours, and spending even longer waiting just in the hopes I might be able to snap a picture of some sleaze-bag walking out of his mistress's apartment. It was a job, though, and here in Zootopia, that's worth a hell of a lot._

 _She came into my office with a job._

 _She was tall and pliantly slender, and had that angularity unique to antelopes. Her legs were long, and her hooves were narrow and small. She was dressed in black- looked like she'd just come from a wake. Could have, for all I knew. She wore a black cap to match. Her hair curled from underneath in long blonde locks. She wasn't young._

 _She was confident once. Now though, you could see the wrinkles all over her skin and the tired look in her eyes. She held herself tall, but all the posturing in the world couldn't hide the pain she was feeling. Grief, isolation, terror, despair, desperation- it's clearer on her face than that cheap red paint she smeared all over her lips._

 _But I didn't need to see her to know that. I knew that when I heard the door opening. No one comes to me because they want the best. They come to me because there isn't anywhere else. There isn't anybody else._

 _She was a grieving widow. Married for twenty years. Her husband had fallen into business with shady characters, not out of want, of course, but out of necessity. He'd done it for the family. Then he'd been strong armed into something his sensibilities just couldn't allow. Then he was dead. Found by a working wife who came home to him face down on the rug, coloring the carpet a new shade of maroon. Their bedroom safe had been emptied out, their life savings gone along with him._

 _Her story was the same one everyone told when they walked through my door. The actors in her's just played their parts a little bit differently._

 _The police couldn't help her. No evidence. She was completely alone. Standing with a husband turned criminal didn't make you a lot friends, even less when the criminals didn't like you either. She heard about me through a friend of a friend. Someone had told her I got results. A satisfied past client, or maybe an unsatisfied one. It didn't matter._

 _She wanted me to find who did her husband in and get her savings back. She went on about how she wanted the killers punished, they always do, but needed the money too. It's about the money. It's always about the money, no matter how much they talk about justice and drone on about revenge. They'd all trade their family in for a promise of security and a little cash._

 _She made me an offer of cash she didn't have. A promise of a portion of what she lost. It wasn't much, in fact, it was nothing but an I.O.U. from someone who just had the ground ripped out from under them. Anyone with self-respect would've turned down that job. Hell, anyone with sense would've turned it down. That's probably why I took it._

 _A job is a job, and this job was mine._

…

"He wrote a hardboiled detective story as a report." Calvin stated amusedly.

"Wonderful, isn't he?" Hobbes asked rhetorically.

…

 _She didn't have much to go on. All her husband left in the way of a clue was a cold body and a matchbook from some dusted up club downtown. I knew it. It was a glorified brothel. Music, dancers, and drinks. A great place for every lowlife and their brother to go. It was the kind of place where you went for the drinks and stayed for the dancers. Except the drinks were spiked and the dancers stripped you of every last dime._

 _Her life had been turned upside down when she saw his body. She called the police or one of the neighbors who heard her screaming did. They gave the same old song and dance. They found the clue pointing to the club. They ran into a dead end there. That wasn't a surprise. The law was as limiting as it was fair. It was limiting for P.I.s too, but I've never let that get in my way._

 _All she knew about her beau's business partners was a single name. "Donny." She thought it might've been connected to the club somehow. Even if it was, if you threw in a pen in a club like that, chances were you'd hit at least ten scuzzies named Donny. Not that I'd tell her that. Clients never did like to hear me talk too much. Especially when it was bad news. My sunny disposition just couldn't win them over._

 _She was different in that way. Couldn't seem to get enough of me. Wanted to know my thoughts on every detail of the case. She seemed to forget there wasn't a case yet. All she had was a single name bordering on useless and a disheveled and smarmy P.I. who had broken down the borders of useless a long time ago._

 _She wasn't too thrilled when I told her my thoughts._

 _She slunk out quick after that. I'm guessing the charming interior design of my office just wasn't up to her standards. Matted carpet that popped up a gust of dust particles if it's looked at funny and painted walls that peel like they were doused with gasoline, lit on fire, then put out with lemon juice just didn't tickle her fancy._

 _That's how I got the case._

 _It was four in the afternoon, and as much as I loved the thought of standing outside a closed nightclub and freezing to death, I settled on waiting for business hours. Unfortunately, I couldn't wait in a bar otherwise I might not make it all the way to nightclub. That only left me to go home or stay in my office. Cold and alone at home seemed better, since it meant not waiting for my office to collapse on top of me._

 _Home was home. A one room apartment with about as much collective charm as a mole shoved in a meat grinder. The part-time landlord was even better. I say part time because the other part was spent dealing out drugs. There was only one accidental death in the complex so far this month due to suicide. The guy committed suicide via three bullets to the back of the head. Common method around here. Coincidentally, he had been trying to start his own little operation in the building._

 _The area wasn't much better. Gangs on the streets and a few much too loud escort services nearby. Well, maybe that's unfair. At least someone was enjoying themselves in this sinkhole. Still, not a good place to be a P.I., a cop, or anyone remotely connected to law enforcement. It probably says a lot about what a wash-up these people think I am then, if I'm still breathing. Home was rusty, degrading, and dead._

 _Home had a bed though, and damn if I don't love a bed._

 _The club was a dump on the outside. It was just one of those places someone looked at from the outside, frowned at, and moved away from. Course, the thing about criminals and their clubs is they don't like to advertise everything. So, while it looked like a dinky shithole in a city neighborhood best known for its high rate of arson, it had a bit more flair on the inside._

 _The good thing about looking like trash is that only the people who know better are going to dig deeper. Everyone else passes by without a second thought or a hint and the place stays exclusive. It gets to stay something that caters to only the most elite scum-suckers in town. A real family joint._

 _The bad thing about running a club like that is you can't post a bouncer outside. That just draws attention and raises the question, "Why have a guard in front of trashed up warehouse?" Most people think illegal drug trade before they think illegal jazz club. Which meant there couldn't be a bouncer. No bouncer meant people like me can walk in. Tough break. Not for me so much, but definitely for them._

 _The place was about as high end as they got. That isn't saying much, though. There isn't a ton of competition in the illegal jazz club business here. This is Zootopia, where crime syndicates prefer country music to smooth jazz. Kind of puts the flicks they show in theaters into perspective when you're sitting across the table from Don Fluff, a gun trained on you, two tigers standing menacingly behind you, and all you can hear is a song about blue jeans. It's real distracting when you're trying to bargain for your life._

 _Not that I'd know, of course._

 _This particular club was owned by Richard Ramone. He was the biggest dealer in catnip and escorts on the East Side. ZPD and the DEA had been after him for years, but he was as wily and slippery as they come. It helped he had an army of lawyers at his beck and call. It even earned him a nickname around the city after he avoided arrest for the 8th consecutive time. They called him something like Slick Richard, except they preferred to use the short version of Richard._

 _The club was something. I'd never gotten the chance to look until I walked in that night._

…

"Is he the main character in this, or is the main character some unnamed detective?" Calvin asked suddenly.

Dr. Hobbes' nose twitched and he scrunched his eyes at the paper. "Actually, I don't know. I just assumed he was supposed to be the main character. The detective is almost as snarky as he is."

"Every hardboiled detective is snarky. It creates moments of levity in an otherwise dark story and also drives home the fact that the detective is deeply damaged." Calvin said sharply.

"I didn't realize you were a fan of the genre, Calvin." Dr. Hobbes said, eyebrows raised in slight amusement.

Calvin leaned back in his chair, only now feeling a slight twinge of embarrassment. "I'm not really a fan, per se, but I did really like _The Maltese Falcon_ when I was young."

"You're twenty, Calvin."

"Young- _er_."

"Right."

"Just read the story, Hobbes." Calvin said irritatedly to his friend.

"Fine, fine. Don't get snappy with me. I'm still your boss." Hobbes said back.

"No you aren't. We're in different departments."

"De facto boss." Hobbes said, emphasizing each word.

"That, quite literally, means nothing." Calvin said, mockingly emphasizing each word in a crude imitation of his friend.

Hobbes stared at his friend for a moment. He thought about taking the teasing further, but was dissuaded by the raised quills of the porcupine. As fun as it was to mess with the young mammal, it was less fun to have sharp quills ripped from your stomach, head, and chest. "I'm going to continue reading now."

…

 _The interior of the club was of a size and capacity that wasn't expected looking at it from the outside. The walls were lined with thick velvet curtains and drapes, presenting the illusion of refinement. They were stifling in a way, like those great pieces of fabric that hung heavily at opera houses and seemed like they could bring the whole building down with their weight._

 _Ole' Boss Slick hadn't skimped out on the wood either. Real mahogany lined the ground, that beautiful and resounding echo tapped out every time my foot came down on it. It shined too. The floor shined in a glorified crime hovel. Someone took care of those floors daily. That was the only way there could be a sparkle like that to the aged wood._

 _The stage was elevated like any good stage should be. The performers were good, but I never was a fan of jazz. No one was listening to the music though, not when those dancers were up on stage. Real pretty gals. And guys. Slick liked to keep things diverse. I always did prefer my murdering, drug dealing psychopaths to be progressive._

 _The dancers and the music didn't hold a candle to the real attraction, though. It was long, wide, and packed with everything a fox like me could've asked for. A word I'd use for it would be majestic. Magnificent through and through. The creme de la creme, the great thing, the cream of the crop, the "whatever superlative that can be imagined."_

 _That was the best damned bar I'd ever seen._

 _Everything from the legal to the not so legal sat on those shelves. I could've lived at a bar like that. I could've died there shortly after the alcohol poisoning kicked in, too. Luckily for me, bars are some of the best tactical positions when you're looking for information. Bartenders in shady joints hear a lot, know a lot of people, and no one ever minds telling them things._

 _Of course, eventually every bartender learns a little too much and that's why they have more replacements ready than an actor. It's a special bond between a mammal and their bartender, but the bond between a mammal and their ill gotten goods is much stronger. Old Slick Rick circumvented this problem by making sure his bartender was as dirty and criminal as he was._

 _That makes the bartender a great source of information. Unfortunately, smart criminals hate giving up information. The only issue was getting it out of them. Which meant I'd have to turn up the charm, talk to the bastard, and stay sober. Three things I shouldn't have to do when I get to a bar. I needed the bartender to tell me about this mysterious "Donny."_

 _It also didn't help that the bartender made me as soon as I sat down. Turns out she was a gal named Darla, and I'd helped put her brother away for a string of robberies on the Upper West Side. She apparently held a grudge about that, because the next thing I know I'm being shoved against the counter by two goons in black suits. I didn't even get to order a drink._

 _I figured they just throw me out, because shooting a P.I., even in a criminal establishment, is just messy. What I didn't figure on was Darla being a family friend of Slick who wanted me to face him and "admit my crimes." Apparently she had forgotten that time her brother burned down an orphanage to cover his getaway. I'd say my crimes paled a bit in comparison, but what do I know?_

 _Turns out the big boss was watching the dancers from a booth he had. Yeah, the guy installed a second story booth in his jazz club so he could watch the show. I could see why they called him Slick…Richard. Real classy elevating yourself above everyone like that. It's a wonder what he was compensating for._

 _The goons were about as gentle with me as a lego was against exposed skin. In other words, they weren't. Nor were they very nice. One held me under the armpit, which chafed my skin. He was not sympathetic when I asked him to stop, either. Really, the hospitality there was just subpar. It's as if they'd never had guests before._

…

"Is he seriously being snarky about his own story?" Calvin asked with slight disbelief.

"I do believe he is." Hobbes answered, nodding his slightly.

Calvin bit his lower lip before speaking. "I want to make fun of all the cliches and sentence fragments, but I feel like he might be too self aware to call him on his obvious faults in writing."

That sounds familiar.

Hobbes nodded along as Calvin gave his examination of Nick's writing. In reality he hadn't been paying attention. He was partaking in a skill most people would refer to as pseudolistening. "Hmm. Yes. Let's continue on then."

…

 _Slick's booth was as extravagant as one could expect. The tacky and heavy velvet cloths that lined the walls and the stage made a reappearance here, except the fabric was much lighter. The curtains were currently pulled together for the sake of privacy. If Big Boss Slick was anything like me, he liked to beat on his captive private investigators in private._

 _He had real cushioned seats in his booth, no surprise, and a dining table to match. If someone had added a bed and a bathroom it would've been a decent living space. Better than my apartment, anyways. Old Slick had me put sat down in a chair in front of him. The chair was far away from the rest that were in the room, and instead of facing the stage it faced towards Slick. It was the timeout chair, I guess._

 _Slick Richard, real name Richard Cairo, was a brown furred mammal and quite tall. All bears were tall. He kept his coat in pristine condition by the looks of it. It was glossy and smoothed down. There wasn't a tuft anywhere that was out of place or that went against the grain. It was uncomfortable to look at, as if nature had never intended for a mammal's coat to look so…uniform. He himself was barrel-bellied and large, due to years of a sedentary lifestyle giving orders to others._

 _He wore a black coat, narrowly cut and tight around his shoulders, which fell down to his hips in a flared style to compensate for the layer of fat that bears tended to accumulate around their waists. His trousers were wide at the hips and loose all the way down, no doubt to make them more comfortable for the thick bear. They tightened near his ankles, just above his patent leather shoes. His shoes were real leather. I just hoped he didn't have a mistress looking for a fox skin jacket._

 _He had those narrow and shrewd eyes so common to bears, except his had an aggression to them I'd seen before. It's one I'd learned to avoid. It was that instinct that a lot of mammals had tried to shed or repress over the years, but that some embraced whole heartedly. That primal feeling was clear in his blue eyes. Richard Cairo was a mammal who wasn't afraid to kill._

 _One of his goons leaned over to whisper something to him. No doubt it was about his newest guest. His voice was as heavy as he was, and the deep timbre sounded like it had been drug across gravel when he spoke. "Darla says you're a P.I. What are you doing here?"_

 _Too bad for me, I've never quite known when to keep my mouth shut. "I've been looking to move, thought I'd scout things out here. The location is much nicer than my neighborhood. The scenery is great. The only downside is the neighbors. I heard they can be downright criminal."_

 _Apparently Slick wasn't one for jokes, judging by the deep growl that came from his throat when I said that. He bared his teeth and claws and made a gesture towards me, which had his goons walking towards me. I can only assume I was in for a big bear hug. That, or a ritualistic evisceration as Slick sacrificed me to the god of outdated and tacky jazz clubs._

 _Fortunately I bluffed about having a partner working with me in the club. That got Slick to call his goons off while he reevaluated the situation. He had a scrunched up look on his face, like thinking was a new concept to him and he was trying to figure out how to do it. Not a good look for him._

 _He managed to string a few words together in response though, so I'll give him that. "I see. Where is your partner?"_

 _Now, I'm not an expert in interrogation, but the safe bet there seemed to be to play the lie harder. "He's waiting on standby, Slick. If he doesn't hear from me in a couple hours, then he's going to take pictures of this place straight to ZPD headquarters. From what I hear they've been looking for any excuse to nab you. That also means they'd search this place. Who knows what they'd find hidden here?"_

 _Slick Richard was a persona. He was an angry mobster who threw his weight around and made a name for himself in the Zootopian underworld. No one messed with him except for the most powerful crime bosses, and even then, those crime bosses didn't like to interfere with one another's business too much. Wars were expensive. So Slick the boss controlled the East Side and would kill anyone who so much annoyed him._

 _Richard Cairo, on the other hand, was a businessman. Businessman know how to haggle, and they know when to make a trade. So right then, he knew it was the time to talk back and see if he couldn't catch my bluff, or find out where my supposed partner was waiting. Or so I hoped._

 _He took the bait. "Alright then, fox. How's this? You tell me where your partner is and I won't rip you apart limb from limb."_

 _He was a real sweet talker that one- knew the way to my heart just like that. I was pretty attached to my limbs. Somehow I managed to keep my head and reply. I told him I wanted a guy named Donny who'd been in involved in a home invasion. Supposedly frequented this club. Amazingly, the crime boss didn't buy that a P.I. was just in his club to find some lowlife committing B &Es. Fancy that. _

_Whether he believed me or not wasn't too important. He still had to be careful. One of his goons had disappeared, probably to look for my partner. Good luck finding a guy who didn't exist. Slick kept me with him, trying to get information out of me about my partner. I shut that down quick as I could, telling him if I just got a lead on Donny I'd be out of the place fast._

 _Surprisingly, the king of the East Side wasn't too thrilled that a charming, snarky, and ruggedly handsome P.I. was blackmailing him for information. I imagine he'd be even less thrilled if he found out there wasn't actually any blackmail. He gave the usual bout of threats that powerful people do when they feel backed into a corner._

 _For a second I wasn't sure if he wasn't just going to take his chances with my mysterious partner and get rid of me. I was a good liar, but Richard Cairo hadn't gotten this far by being a bad judge of character. It could've gone either way on this one. It could've been he end of Private Investigator Rick Wylde if_ ** _She_** _hadn't stepped in._

 _She was grey from head to toe, bare a twinge of black at the top of her ears. She stood with an attitude that spoke of self-assuredness and confidence. Her eyes were amethyst. Not a strong blue, a not a weak purple or indigo, but pure amethyst. She was small, but something about the way she held herself made me think that she was tough. She seemed like someone who could handle herself._

 _She wore a red slit dress, the slit running up the length of her leg. From what could be seen, she seemed well muscled- not the wispy slender things Cairo usually kept around. Funnily, she wasn't trying to flaunt herself off ostentatiously, but just seemed genuinely comfortable in the garment. Nothing about her screamed "hired floozy" that Cairo so often preferred. She was something else entirely. She was a complete and utter mystery. I love a good mystery._

 _I hadn't seen her at first, but now that I had, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She was a rabbit, but not like other bunnies I'd met. She moved with a purpose, a fluidity in every step as she sauntered over to Cairo. She hopped up onto the arm of his chair, a certain agility present in her jump that made me think she had been an athlete. She leaned over him, a paw firmly planted on his shoulder as she whispered something into his ear._

 _Just like that, Richard Cairo, Slick Dick, the King of the East Side, backed off. He told me he was going to let me go. Said that he would ask around about Donny for me. The crime boss was going to help me._

 _That's how I first became aware of Miss Lewdy Topps._

 _End of Part 1, Original Story by Nick Wilde_

…

"Oh. Oh, wow." Calvin said as Dr. Hobbes finished. "I wonder who Lewdy Topps is based on?"

Dr. Hobbes smirked at the young mammal. "Yes, quite a mystery where he took inspiration for that character from. The sarcastic detective Rick Wylde is also quite the mystery. I suppose we'll have to wait for Part 2 if we want to learn more about these unique characters."

Calvin smiled back at his friend. "I'd say I'm shocked he wrote something like this, but somehow I'm not."

"The real surprising thing is he'd have the chief read this." Hobbes said. "He's the one mammal Bogo wants to get rid of more than anyone else."

Mr. Quills scrunched his eyebrows up at Hobbes. "I thought he could pretty much get away with anything."

The good doctor hummed thoughtfully, then said, "Well, usually yes, but even with those unorthodox reports he's still technically reporting on what happened. This is completely fictitious."

"Ah." Calvin replied back simply. "That does seem much more likely to get him fired."

"Yes, and we would not want that. If you come across the next part of Officer Wilde's 'original' story, make sure it comes to my desk and not the Chief's. This will be our little secret." Dr. Hobbes told him.

"Are you saying that because you want to protect Officer Wilde, or because you're actually interested in reading the next part, Hobbes?" Calvin asked, a clear hint of mirth in his voice as he stared appraisingly at the older mammal.

Hobbes coughed. "Oh shush, Calvin. You can't act like you weren't as entertained as I was."

…

A russet-furred vulpine sat at a desk, writing furiously. He scribbled line after line down in a small report file, stopping occasionally to think about what should come next. His pen tapped against the desk as his mind raced. Across from him sat a grey furred bunny, staring at him as if he were mad.

 _"_ Nick, what could you possibly be writing?" Judy finally asked slightly concerned.

Nick startled and looked up from the page he had been working on, staring at Judy as if this were the first time he was seeing her. "What? Oh. I'm just working on the case report from our last arrest."

Judy eyed the fox suspiciously. Her amethyst eyes were narrowed and examining him. "I finished my report two hours ago. What could be taking you two hours to write a simple report? You're usually finished before I am, lazy fox."

"Maybe I just want to put more effort into this one." Nick said. "I'm really trying to improve myself and be a good, model police officer, Carrots. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Nick. Let's be realistic here. What are you actually doing?"

"Fine. I'm writing part 2." Nick said, rolling his eyes.

Judy's nose twitched in confusion. "Part 2 of what?"

* * *

AN: This chapter was a little different then the previous nine. There were less jokes and I relied more on the situation itself being funny. The next chapter will be a normal chapter. Then either the chapter after that or the one following that one will finish up this little story. This is the closest any of you will ever see me to writing a plot driven story. The idea of a noir/detective story ala Sin City was suggested by reader SilentPony. This chapter would not have been possible without them or our brave sponsors at PBS. Thanks for reading!


	10. Spookiest Report Evar

AN: I recommend you listen to the "Spooky, Scary, Skeleton" song, preferably the ten hour version, while you read this chapter. Also after you finish it. just listen to the entire thing. Seriously. You won't regret it.

I scared myself writing this chapter. True embellished story.

Finally, remember to like, comment, and subscribe for more content.

Finally, Finally, I have new coverart now for this story. I'm so proud of it.

* * *

The Chief was a bit annoyed. It was that annoying time of the year when every mammal and their grandmother thought it was their given right to commit petty crimes. It was his least favorite holiday of the year: Halloween. Every mammal in the city always seemed to go crazy around this time of year, thinking that the "Trick" in "Trick'or'Treat" applied to actual crimes.

There had already been forty-six separate arrests for various Halloween pranks. Twenty-six of those had been benign activities, such as toilet papering and egging houses and apartments, fifteen more had been due to mammals scaring each other in stupid ways, such as the otter who had thought it was a good idea to leap onto a lion friend from a second story window, and four other arrests had been due to what the force affectionately called, "Spooky Arson."

However the final arrest, which was actually more like a set of arrests, was the one that truly baffled the Chief. Officer Hopps and Wilde had responded to a simple noise complaint in the Rainforest District. Usually those ended up being minor non-physical domestic disputes between a couple arguing far too loudly or some other minor violation that wasn't worth an arrest. This time had been different. The two officers had come back with four collared perpetrators, including an enforcer for the Markhor Mafia.

That wasn't the most interesting part. For some reason all the perpetrators had been dressed as monsters. the enforcer herself was dressed as a skeleton. They had actually been found in an abandoned house where the enforcer and her cohorts had been hiding out. The Chief knew he was in for a headache as he pulled two case reports from the large stack of similar reports on his desk.

For some reason, many of his officers always felt a compulsion to let people off with a pass this time of year, despite the breach of protocol. The normal excuse was, "It's just kids being kids, Chief. Kids love their pranks." While that was all well and good for his officers and the children committing literal crimes, it made for quite a bit of homework on the Chief's part in the form of dozens of case reports.

The two he held right now were the two reports regarding the arrest of the Markhor Mafia's enforcer, Sheer Goatsie, and her goons. The Markhor Mafia had only recently become a problem in Zootopia, with most of their business originally being done in the eastern hemisphere. Their expansions into the Zootopia drug trade had not been taken to kindly by either the ZPD, or the resident crime syndicates.

Chief Bogo sighed, opening Officer Wilde's report first. He had learned from past experiences that it was better to read his reports first. He could then fall back on Officer Hopps' report, which were usually more tame. That's not to say this prevented Wilde's report from giving him a splitting migraine and causing him to contemplate his own pathetic mortality, but it did keep him from collapsing in on himself in a fit of rage and disappointment which could create a black hole, destroying the entire planet.

The Chief quietly read the first line, expecting nothing but the absolute worst from his officer on this occasion.

…

 _From the desk of Nick Wilde: Ghost Hunter, October 31st, Arrest of Sheer Goatsie and cohorts Ling Dawn, Zhang Yong, and Bobbert "I really don't fit into this group" Dillard_

 _Prepare yourself for a tale of wonder and mystery. A tale of many scares and great imagination. Truly, the horror knew no bounds. The wildest nightmares of a the most frightened and disturbed individual could not compare to such a tale as this. No mammal could comprehend the absolute astounding nature of the events I have transcribed here._

 _This story is not for the weak or faint of heart. You have been warned, reader._

 _It started off as a normal day, with Carrots and myself being given an assignment by our angry, overly tense taskmaster. We were given an assignment to be out on patrol in District 1. During our patrol we received information about a domestic dispute in the nearby Rainforest District._

 _We, being nearby the scene, responded to the call even though it took us outside of our assigned district. I protested as I normally did when doing anything outside of the rules, but my partner, whose sense of justice sometimes outmatched her sense of duty, insisted we respond to the problem ourselves. My partner has always lived by the motto, "audentis Fortuna iuvat."_

 _If we had only taken a different route that day. We could've been on the other side of District 1 and nowhere close enough to respond to the call. Someone else could've taken it. Alas, Lady Fortune did not favor. A fickle and petty mistress she is, and altogether unwilling to come to our aid._

 _And so, Officer Hopps and myself continued on the journey. It took only minutes for us to arrive at the scene of the complaint. Had I known what was to come, I would've savored those precious moments spent in our patrol car, letting her know how much she meant to me. If only._

 _It was a decrepit place. Tendrils of vines and kudzu wrapped their way around the faded walls, warping the paint and cracking in several places as the collective pressure of the vegetation became to much for the aged structure to bear. The windows, of which there were six, were all broken or splotched to the point where the glass was no longer transparent. The air hung heavy around it and there was a faint acridity tangible in the wind._

 _To say it was an unimpressive place would be to taste a lie. At some point it had been magnificent. Even worn and withered as it was, I could picture the darkened red it once was, the vibrancy of it against the surrounding rainforest which now consumed it. Any light that had once casted down upon it had long since been extinguished; the untrimmed and growing canopy of leaves above it ensured that._

 _It was quite a sight still, however, and so very, very imposing. In truth, I jested with my bunny companion about the intimidating place. I commented on how it seemed like a great place to run a haunted house novelty show. I wonder now if my jokes and warbling contributed in some way to this event, if perhaps the spirits were angered by my attitude._

 _My partner and I entered the building through the front door. It, like the rest of the home, was old, withered, and looked to be on the edge of utter destruction. Disregarding the growing sense of dread I felt, I continued on into the chateau with my companion._

 _As soon as we entered, a groaning moan rattled through the hallways, seemingly echoing off every surface at once. The ghastly noise reverberated in my skull like a whisper, as if something were trying to seduce me further inside. It was not a noise of warning. Whatever was here wanted to take us._

 _Whatever effects I may have felt at the sound were nothing compared to what my partner experienced with her heightened auditory senses. Her face contorted in a manner indicating the purest form of terror. She had become a caricature of her normal self._

 _Actually, never mind. I can't write a whole ghost story. I wanted to, but I wanted to not write this report even more._

…

Chief Bogo sent a silent prayer of thanks towards the gods.

…

 _Anyways. Carrots and I responded to some call up in the Rainforest District today and ended up arresting some real colorful characters. It was great._

 _Some lady filed a noise complaint about strange noises from the quote, "Spooky, Haunted House of Old Man Happy." Gotta say, as far as scary names go, this place is number one. How anyone took her seriously after that, I don't know._

 _Yeah, so we were close and got called there. We get there, and let me say, the place is actually just lovely, in an old "this is historical" kind of way. It was this really deep red and the windows were all done up. It was kind of wreck, since no one has owned it for the last twenty years (Maybe. I didn't check or anything)._

 _I kid you not, as soon we arrive at the scene, Whiskers is frightened. Like legitimately frightened. Her! At a house. Apparently she had a bad experience with a haunted house when she was a kid. I'll spare you the details, Big Guy, but here's a teaser: it involved fourteen glass bottles filled with gasoline, fourteen kerosene soaked rags, one hundred scared Hopps kids jacked up on sugar, and a siege attempting to root out the evil spirits. It was a very harrowing experience for her._

 _Isn't that great? So, of course I just walk into the place, because it's a building. Carrots meanwhile, is coming in directly behind me, using me as a meat shield. We have a real healthy relationship._

 _Honestly, I would've been more worried about the architectural integrity of the building than ghosts eating our souls. The whole place was creaking every time we moved, and those support columns were looking really unstable. I'm pretty sure had you gone through the place, Chief, the whole placed would've come down._

…

The Chief's mouth twitched. That was a low blow by the fox. _He knows I'm trying to lose weight._

…

 _Then we hear this big crash from somewhere deeper in the house. Carrots grabs onto my back like something's going to pop out at her. Unfortunately, she has a serious death grip. Painfully so sometimes. My tail still aches._

 _I offered to let her wait out front, both for her sake and the sake of blood flow to my tail, but she was "determined to not leave me alone in a possibly dangerous situation."_

 _It sounds sweet, but she was still using me as a meat shield. Anyways, we traced the noise to the basement of the house, or the "Evil Pit" as my partner called it._

 _What we found down there was even better than Officer Scaredy Cat. There were four people trying to break up the concrete ground. They all had pickaxes and they were all doing it in unison like it was some kind of musical._

 _One of the guys was on the ground, clutching his toe in both hands and just groaning. He stubbed his toe on some upturned concrete after taking his shoes off to get more comfortable. I can't blame him. I hate doing dangerous manual labor with shoes on. It makes me feel much too safe._

 _You can't make this stuff up, Chief. You just can't._

 _It gets better though. When they see us, the first thing the one clutching his foot does is scream, "Everyone stop! Police are here to stop us from searching!"_

 _That was Bobbert. Bobbert was the Markhor Mafia's progressive hire, I'm thinking._

 _So immediately, Carrots is on high alert, her tranquilizer at the ready and telling everyone to stop what they're doing. The leader of the group is staring at her and trying to figure out a plan of action. I don't think Sheer Goatsie planned on being caught. I also don't think her parents planned on her being a success in life when they named her._

 _I was kind of worried something bad was going to go down. Goatsie was about as hard a criminal as you were going to find. The other two goats by her, Doofy and Doofer, were waiting on her order. It was a bit worrying being up against a professional, but I'm sure Carrots and I could've handled it._

 _Good ole' Bobbert had a different idea though. He raised his pickaxe over his head and threw it at us. Unfortunately for Bobbert, pickaxes are not meant to be thrown, and his landed several miles away from us. The best part was what he said to himself after that. "Dammit Dillard. You have to think. How are you going to get out of this one with the treasure?"_

 _Now, I'm sure Goatsie was angry at having two cops drop in on her illegal activities. But that was nothing compared to the anger I'm sure she felt at Bobbert Dillard. I'm pretty sure the only reason Carrots and I were able to arrest Goatsie and her stooges, was because she was too busy trying to strangle Bobbert._

 _Goatsie, Ling, and Zhong, stayed tight lipped, but Bobbert was real talkative. He didn't implicate anyone else in the Markhor Mafia, but he did tell us what four members of a gang where doing digging up concrete in the basement of a crumbling house._

 _That's not the best part._

 _Sheer Goatsie has a rap sheet taller than Francine, and is one of the top enforcers in the Markhor Mafia's Zootopia branch. They sent her to look for buried treasure in a house in the Rainforest District, based on a tip from a "reliable source."_

 _Again, this is one of the highest ranking members in Zootopia of a criminal syndicate. They sent her to search for buried treasure._

 _That's still not the best part._

 _As a part of the disguise to keep people from getting suspicious, they had her dress up as a skeleton and all her cohorts dress up as ghosts. Not even like, scary ghosts. They were wearing white bed sheets._

 _This is real. This was a command she actually got. Someone higher up than her ordered this. They wanted them to spook people away so they could keep digging for the "treasure."_

 _As we all know, the most intimidating thing about ghosts and skeletons are their exorbitant use of pickaxes and lust for treasure. Like Dark Souls._

 _Chief, I know you were worried about the Markhor Mafia rolling into town and causing trouble. I'm pretty sure we're going to be okay, though. After today, I just have a strange feeling they aren't going to be too hard to deal with._

 _With Love,_

 _Nicholas Piberius Wilde (And Bobbert Dillard)_

 _P.S. - Why is there a random abandoned chateau type house in the middle of the Rainforest District? We live in the city right? How is there any real estate that hasn't been bought up? Especially real estate right next to the causeway. How does this house even exist?_

 _P.S.S. - Can we let Bobbert go? I love this guy. We brought him some water during his interrogation, and he tried to escape with it. He thought he could slip out of his handcuffs if he wet his wrists a little. Also he sprained his wrist and wants to sue the ZPD._

…

The Chief groaned. "Of course it was some completely inane and ridiculous event. He can't be involved with a normal arrest, that damn fox."

Occasionally, when there was a suspect that Officer Wilde found particularly entertaining, he added a request of the Chief in his reports. The requests ranged from asking for the suspect's freedom to requesting the suspect be given a reward to "putting him in a locked room with thirty people, a pen, a clipboard, paper, and a tape recorder just to see what he does."

The Chief leaned forward, his head falling into his hooves as he looked at Officer Hopps report. He didn't really want to read it, assuming that her description of the event would be both enlightening, but also assuming that if even half of what Wilde wrote was true, that it would be completely idiotic.

The Chief flipped open Hopps' report, putting aside Wilde's report.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Hopps, October 31st, Arrest of suspects Sheer Goatsie, Ling Dawn, Zhang Yong, and Bobbert Dillard_

 _Officer Wilde and myself were patrolling District 1 as was assigned by our ranking officer, Precinct Chief Bogo. It was while near the tunnel leading into the Rainforest district when we heard from dispatch about a noise complaint. Though it originated from outside our sector, I felt our proximity to the point of interest warranted our response._

 _Upon arriving at the scene we discovered the building. It appeared quite decrepit and appeared to have been out of use for quite some time. Officer Wilde ridiculed me for both my beliefs and what he assumed to be fear. I was not afraid of the home, for the record. Officer Wilde is a liar._

 _Using my training, I decided it was best to take up a tactical position covering Officer Wilde while entering the home, as is standard procedure when entering a potentially hostile environment._

 _It was quite obvious to me that the best tactical position to cover Officer Wilde's blind side was from behind him, so I followed him into the abandoned home standing at his back. It was not definitely not what Officer Wilde claimed I was doing. I was not being "A timid rabbit." Officer Wilde is a lying [REDACTED: EXPLETIVE]._

 _As we set foot into the home, several of the support beams creaked and dustings of plaster rained down on us. I assumed, with my highly developed and well managed senses, that it could be more than just an old colonial home creaking with age. I took a defensive position in case there were intruders in the building. Officer Wilde made the comment that, "I'm more scared of us being crushed than I am of your silly ghosts, bunny."_

 _I was not afraid of ghosts. I knew it wasn't a ghost. Ghosts don't creak when they attack._

…

"Just let this end already, please." Bogo said to himself. He felt his migraine intensify as he read. He could not care less about what Officer Hopps or Wilde believed in. He let out a sigh as he began reading again, one hoof resting rubbing circles above his right eye.

…

 _It was then that a particularly loud noise sounded from the lower bowels of the house. It was loud enough that Officer Wilde was able to hear it as well. I was startled by the noise, but not scared._

 _For the record, he looked scared._

 _Despite Officer Wilde insisting that we leave the premises and not return because he's dumb, whiny, and scared, we continued on. My partner and I found the area from which we assumed the noise had come._

 _When in the general area of the noise, we began to hear more consistent clanging sounds. I was unable to identify what the noises were, even with my advanced hearing. Officer Wilde was equally stumped and suggested that "the metal ghosts are probably just playing tag, Carrots."_

 _The sound had originated from the basement level of the large house. We found the door to the basement quickly. Officer Wilde proceeded first and I once again took a tactical position covering his back. It was not dark, but there was a cement wall between the stairs down and the rest of the basement, preventing us from seeing what was going on inside._

 _I preemptively unlatched my tranquilizer in preparation for a dangerous situation. Officer Wilde commented that ghosts were immune to tranquilizers. Officer Wilde would do well to remember that while ghosts are immune to tranquilizers, he is not._

 _There were four figures in the basement, later identified as our suspects, all of whom were dressed in costumes of sorts. Sheer Goatsie was dressed as a skeleton, and the other three suspects were portraying themselves as white ghosts. The costumes were somewhat realistic at first glance, but upon closer scrutiny were quite obviously fake._

 _Whatever Officer Wilde says, I did not yelp._

 _All four mammals had pickaxes, though only three of them were using them to dig. One of the suspects was on the ground gripping his right foot's large toe. The suspect, one Bobbert Dillard, was injured when we arrived. He saw and quickly made our presence known to the rest of the group._

 _The other three members of the group, identified as Sheer Goatsie, Ling Dawn, and Zhang Yong, quickly turned to face us. At this point both myself and Officer Wilde had our tranquilizers at the ready in case we needed to quickly take down any of the four offenders._

 _They proved unnecessary, however, as we were able to restrain all four members of the group without any resistance. This was made possible by Sheer Goatsie's attempted strangling of Bobbert Dillard, which allowed us the opening necessary to cuff each member of the group. We brought them to the front of the home and called for back up, as our patrol car was not equipped to handle so many suspects at one time._

 _At the station we learned of Sheer Goatsie's position in the Markhor Mafia. She has yet to give up any details as to their operation here in Zootopia, nor has she, or Ling Dawn and Zhang Yong, given up details as to what they were searching for in the abandoned home when digging at the ground. Mr. Dillard indicating they were searching for "buried treasure." He was resolutely vague on what constituted treasure._

 _\- Officer Judy Hopps_

…

The Chief leaned back, signing off on both reports. As far as those two were concerned, this was relatively tame. No one had been sent to the hospital and Officer Wilde had not anyone file a harassment suit against him today. All in all, the Chief was not as irritated as he normally was at the pair.

He would've still have liked to put Officer Wilde in a small box and ship him somewhere far away, but now he was considering poking air holes in the box. Unfortunately, Chief Bogo could be too happy about the situation. He looked over at the large stack of reports still remaining on his desks.

Just because those two were behaving somewhat, did not mean the rest of the department was this holiday season.

He groaned quietly, opening his desk and pulling out a small book titled, "Twilight of the Idols." He flipped open to a bookmarked page and repeated a mantra found within the text.

 _What does not kill me, makes me stronger. What does not kill me, makes me stronger._ The Chief's hooves shook slightly as he thought about the horrid night he was about to have reading over two dozen different reports from various officers.

Truly, this was the most frightening time of the year.

...

"Are you almost done in there, Nick?" Judy asked her boyfriend, knocking on the bathroom door of their apartment.

"Calm down, Carrots," Replied the smooth voice of Nick Wilde, slightly muffled by the door. "You can't rush perfection."

Judy rolled her eyes. "I was done ten minutes ago and my costume is way more in depth."

There was a pregnant pause. "Wait," Judy said. "Are you just tying your tie?"

"I don't have to answer that question."

Judy groaned. "Nick, seriously? You wear ties all the time!"

"Yeah, but I don't try to tie them in an Eldredge Knot. Do you know how hard it is to get an Eldredge Knot right!?" Nick shouted through the door.

"You're the one who wanted to be fancy. Jack Savage wears his tie in a simple knot, anyways. So tying it differently isn't accurate." Judy said, amused at her boyfriend's annoyance.

The signature snark of her partner sounded through the door. "Well, Jack Savage is also a bunny in his movies. So, I made some aesthetic changes to fit the much more charismatic and ruggedly handsome fox version."

"Is Mr. Ruggedly Handsome And Charismatic almost done?" Judy asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"Is Miss Critical done being...critical?" Nick asked back.

Judy sighed audibly. "Just open the door. I'll tie it for you."

"You know how to tie an Eldredge Knot?" He asked incredulously. "Fine." The lock of the door clicked and it was pulled open to reveal the vulpine.

He wore a black suit, imitating the spy thriller character 'Jack Savage.' He looked Judy up and down. Her costume was apparently a slasher victim, as she wore a ripped white dress and had fake blood splattered all over her fur and clothes. "You look pretty good in that, Carrots. Now can you tie my tie in an Eldredge Knot, please?"

"Yeah, I don't know how to do that." Judy said frankly.

"Then why did you ask to come in?" Nick asked, annoyed again.

"I just wanted to see the fox who conned a billionaire into lending him his helicopter struggle with a simple tie." Judy said, smirking deviously at the fox.

"I'm beginning to think I'm having a negative effect on you." Nick said, returning her smile. He looked down to struggle with his tie some more.

"Who says I'm not having a negative effect on you, fox?" Judy asked. Her eyes glanced down his frame. She thought he looked good in a suit. "Is that my slasher knife in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Nick looked at her, disappointment clear on his features. "Are you that unoriginal with your jokes, or are you just trying to hurt me?"


	11. The Review

The russet furred beast sat at his desk, his eyes focused on the distance and his eyebrows furrowed. His tail twitched furiously from side to side. The small red tip was a blur of movement as its owner was distracted by some unseen force.

"Nick, what's wrong?" Judy asked her partner. "You've been staring at the door for five minutes now."

It was quite unlike her partner to so openly express an emotion, if distraction could be called an emotion. Normally he would've bottled it deep down and told Judy at some later date if it was truly important.

"Hmm?" The fox blinked at her, as if just noticing her for the first time. He immediately corrected himself, straightening his posture slightly and drawing his attention to the small bunny seated near him. "It's nothing, Carrots. I was just thinking."

"Yeah, me too. I was thinking 'What is that weirdo thinking?'" Judy quipped at him. At least, what the author thinks is a quip. Dumb author.

"I prefer the term 'Freaky Zootopian.' Weirdo is offensive to Frank." Nick replied, gesturing at a wolf standing by a water bucket. He waved at the wolf, who then waved back with a smile.

"Why would that be offensive to Frank?" Judy asked.

"His last name is Weirdostein." Nick replied.

"It's James, actually." Judy said.

"Why do you know that? we've never even been on a case with him." Nick said, frowning at the fact he had been called out.

Judy smirked at the fox, knowing she'd won one. "I make a point of knowing everyone's name in the department. I'm a bunny of the people."

"You need to find a social life then, bunny." Nick said. "Go out and find some real friends and maybe get yourself a boyfriend too."

"Nick. You're my boyfriend."

"Go out and find some real friends and maybe get yourself a girlfriend too." Nick repeated.

Judy laughed at her partner. Then she turned a stern eye on him. "I haven't forgotten what I asked you earlier, even though you're trying to fox your way out it. What had you so distracted Nick? I know that look. Are you okay?"

The vulpine rolled his eyes. "Really, it was nothing, Carrots. I'm fine. I'm just worried about our last case report."

Judy raised an eyebrow as one of her ears twitched. She was becoming concerned. "What about our case reports Nick?"

Nick chuckled nervously. "Well you see, sweetheart-"

"You only call me sweetheart when you've done something really stupid or you're being condescending." Judy said, fear starting to creep in on her.

"Well, you see, my last case report may or may not be under review." Nick chuckled nervously, knowing exactly how Judy would react.

The bunny's eyes widened as mouth opened as what she had just learned sunk in. If his report were under review it meant that there would be more than Chief Bogo judging the report. His higher ups would also need to read the report and make a decision regarding Nick Wilde if the report were too far off procedure.

"Oh sweet cheese-and-crackers, Nick!" The Bunny exclaimed

"Was there no cursing in Bunnyburrow?" Nick asked amusedly, hoping to defuse the situation.

"This is awful! You're going to lose your job. I told you that you couldn't keep writing your case reports like that, but do you ever listen?" The bunny continued, ignoring her partner's protests. "Why did Bogo put it under review? He always signs off on them. How bad did you make it? And why do you always have to antagonize him?"

Nick had walked over to the bunny during her extended questioning period and was now placing his palms on her shoulders, attempting to calm her down. He gently stroked her back. "Okay, Carrots, just calm down."

Judy stopped bouncing, but still looked the fox with a serious amount of concern. "Nick, what happened? And when did you find out about this?"

Nick sighed. "So you remember last week when we arrested Miss Buttress? My report on her was apparently unable to be signed off on. As for when, I only found out this morning. The review is in a few days."

"The Buttress case? That was a pretty average case. We picked her up for minor burglary. I do remember her lunging at you though. What exactly did you write, Nick?" Judy asked, a hint of apprehension in her voice.

Nick paused, and frowned, thinking back on the report he had written.

…

 _From the Desk of Nick Wilde, March 1st, Arrest of Big Buttress (I have not fabricated this name in any way, this was a real mammal)_

 _We arrested Big Butt Buttress on a side street. I have referred to her this way, not because she had a big rear but because she was a massive [Redacted: Expletive]._

 _Officer Hopps and myself picked up the suspect, a badger, for minor burglary at a jewelry store. When being placed under arrest, Big Butt decided it was better to lunge at me and try to rip my throat out rather than runaway. We later found out she's also a militant anti-male-fox._

 _Personally, I found that to be a sillily specific issue to be militant about. Why male foxes specifically? Why not just foxes, or just males? Militant anti-male/fox has a much better ring to it than militant anti-male-fox._

 _Apparently it's a huge movement though, that started off as a fringe group. Weird. I wonder if I can join? Maybe if I whip myself or something in front of them I can join the club. Then again, they're also classified as a hate group. Maybe I don't want to be in a hate group. But it would be hilarious._

 _After being subdued immediately by Carrots, the badger then yelled out every slur and curse she could think. Some of them were really, really creative though, so I've decided to list them down for future reference._

 _Fish sucking [Redacted: Expletive]._

 _Mangey [Redacted: Expletive]._

 _Male Fox Scum. That one wasn't my favorite but it came up like four times._

…

Nick pursed his lips. "It maybe wasn't my best work. It's also unlucky that the department is cracking down on Harassment right now."

Judy sighed, and placed a paw over Nick's own. "We'll get through this." She smiled sweetly up at Nick. "I mean if you haven't been fired yet, it's not like this will stick."

…

Chief Bogo was seated in a mid sized room, behind a table that was much too small for him. He grunted every time he hit his knees against it. He was gathered with a few of his political cohorts and superiors, who were assembled in order to judge Officer Wilde. It was a situation that could end in the firing of fox.

Chief Bogo himself was supremely unhappy. It was only by chance that this event had even occurred. He had been fully prepared to sign off on Wilde's case report and hide it the basement like every other report. Unfortunately, he was not a lucky water buffalo. His direct superior, a stern elephant named Horton Hu, had arrived an hour early to a scheduled meeting, and was let into Bogo's office early.

Hu had seen the report and been enraged, demanding a hearing to discipline an officer for writing such drivel in a report. In his own words, such a disgrace to the badge should not exist. Despite Bogo's disagreement, the review would continue on.

Bogo did not want to have a review, and preferred to keep on as he always had with Officer Wilde. He knew the young fox to be an excellent investigator, despite his demeanor and general disregard for things such as respect. While that did irritate Bogo to no end, he did not want to rid the police force of a good officer.

For the Chief, the department came first.

In attending there were only 4 major players. Three of whom were Bogo's superiors, and one of whom was Bogo himself. Horton Hu was among the three and by far the most influential of the bunch. His supporting cast was made up of vole Lucy Diggs and rhino Joe Horne. Bogo was merely to act as an arbitrator.

"We're going to get that fox." Hu said to the small vole next to him, who looked relatively bored. "Just because he saved the city and is a minor celebrity he thinks he can ignore the rules? Ha."

As the clock struck three, the vulpine in question entered the room. As the door shut behind him, Bogo could make out the figure of a small bunny hopping up to peer through the room's window. While she was trying to be stealthy, it was not effective as her ears were quiet tall and easily visible above the window.

Bogo mentally groaned. If Wilde were let go then he would hear no end of it from Officer Hopps. She might even start a petition. That's just what Bogo needed. Another petition.

Wilde sat himself at one of the table across from the panel members. His posture was very relaxed, and he regarded the panel with a disinterested look. The Chief knew that look very well. It was infuriating.

The fox nodded at the panel, greeting each individually. "Chief, Lucy, Horney, and…" Wilde looked at Hu, feigning confusion. "Who are you?"

"Horton Hu." Horton said, disdain evident in his voice.

"My hearing is a little bad. Who are you?" Nick asked again, leaning forward in his seat.

"Hu." Mr. Hu said, slightly louder.

"Who are you?" Nick asked, leaning even farther forward in his chair. "I really gotta know."

"Hu! Hu!" Horton Hu exclaimed, annoyed at the russet furred creature.

"I see you're a big fan of The Who." Nick said, leaning back. He had a devilish smirk on his face.

Next to Mr. Hu, Mrs. Diggs was trying to hide a smile. Bogo groaned internally at the god awful attempt at humor the fox made. Mr Horne seemed oblivious. Then again, Mr. Horne was also turning retirement age soon and had slight dementia. So he maybe was not the best source.

Hu himself just looked annoyed. He opened his mouth to speak, because that's how you talk. "Cute. However, you should know we've all read your case report and have a general consensus on what the level of professionalism should be in this department. You will be booted from the department very soon _Mr._ Wilde. I will tolerate no corruption in my police force."

Nick showed no outward reaction to the elephant's words, instead smirking even more. "We'll see."

Judy could seen by Bogo, with her ear pressed up against the glass wall to listen in on the going ons of the room. It hurt Bogo slightly to know one of his favorite officers was in distress. However, it also made him happy to know one of his least favorites was being reviewed. However, however, it also made him annoyed that the department would be losing a good investigator. Overall, Bogo decided to settle on the emotion annoyance, as it was most familiar to him.

"Let's begin the hearing, then, if there are no objections." Hu said.

Nick Wilde raised his hand.

"If there are no objections from anyone that matters." Hu said.

Nick Wilde lowered his hand.

Hu smiled. "Good. Now let's begin."

Then the door burst open and in walked a nervous porcupine. He walked towards the panel stopping a short distance away. Mr. Hu growled. "What is it!?"

The porcupine shrunk back at the exclamation, seemingly having trouble finding his words. "Ss-sorry sir. I just have important information from the records department."

Chief Bogo recognized the mammal as Calvin Quills, an employee in the records department. He was a habitually nervous individual. Bogo asked "What is the information, Mr. Quills?"

All eyes were on Calvin now, ranging from emotions such as curious to annoyed, in the case of the Chief. "Well, you see, sirs and mam, there was a small clerical error in the records department and um…"

"What happened, son?" Mr. Hu asked, his voice a bit softer after realizing how rude he'd been to the young porcupine earlier. He wasn't a monster after all. Just very angry.

"The case report in question for this review is missing." Calvin said.

Bogo blinked. "What?"

"It's missing sir." Calvin repeated.

Horton Hu could not have looked more angry. "Missing? Where is it missing?"

"It wouldn't really be missing if they knew that, now would it?" Wilde said from his spot, his smirk overtaking his entire expression.

Hu stood up, his hooves pressing into the table. "What about the digital copy that records keeps?"

Calvin looked up at the large elephant. "We never entered it into the database sir, because you wanted this review to happen as soon as possible."

Hu sat down again, one hoof being raised to his head as he berated himself for being in such a rush.

"If we don't have a record of wrongdoing," said Mrs. Diggs, "Then we can't really continue this review."

Joe Horne would've agreed had he not been asleep since the beginning of the review.

Bogo took advantage of the interruption, seeing an opportunity to dissolve this annoying situation. "Mrs. Diggs is correct. We cannot continue a review without sufficient evidence. I move to dissolve this committee."

"Agreed." Said Mrs. Diggs, inwardly happy that the charming fox would get to keep his job.

Mr. Horne snored out his agreement.

Horton Hu grumbled something about poor record keeping and overhaul before finally muttering, "Fine."

"Wonderful. This review is adjourned with no further disciplinary action necessary." Bogo said, sighing in relief as he felt a migraine slip away. He had no idea how that crafty vulpine had managed to get access to the records, and it was not something he wished to address now. Hopefully, it would not come back to haunt him later.

…

Judy waited anxiously by as everyone filtered through the door. She had not been able to hear much through the glass, but had a distinctly bad feeling. First was a small porcupine, who was quickly scurrying away, followed by an aging rhino and small vole woman. The rhino looked as if we were about to fall asleep, whereas the vole woman looked strangely happy.

Next was the Chief, who looked relieved. This made Judy even more anxious. Judy peaked into the room to see Horton Hu speaking to her boyfriend.

"I have no idea how you managed this, but I promise I will nail you if you slip up again, Wilde. I will not tolerate such behavior on my police force." Hu said to the fox, who was currently feigning a smug confidence. It was a front Judy knew all too well.

"Just remember to bring some candles, Hasselhoff." Nick snarked.

Mr. Hu stormed out of the room, completely ignoring the beaming Judy. The bunny quickly moved into the room, hugging Nick in excitement.

"You still have a job!" She exclaimed.

Nick hugged her back. "Yes, Carrots, I do."

"How did you manage that?" She asked, leaning away from the fox with a playful push. She was far too happy to be mad at him for causing this situation in the first place.

Nick smiled at her. "No clue."

…

"Good work, Calvin." Dr. Hobbes, head of forensics and the de facto leader of records, said to his young friend as the porcupine related the hearing's events to him.

"This should make the rest of the department happy." Calvin said to his friend, a smile on his face.

"Of course. They don't want to lose their best source of entertainment." Dr. Hobbes said as he pulled out Nick Wilde's most recent case report. "Besides, some of these insults are really creative."

* * *

AN: I got bored. Here's a chapter after a huge hiatus.


	12. Interrogation Report - 2

Nick bobbed his head slowly to the beat. A pair of earbuds hung from his ear as he hummed along to the sound of unheard music, eyes closed. Next to him was a bunny, her foot pedaling against the ground impatiently.

"Nick." She said, waiting for a response. When none came she grabbed her partner by the shoulder and shook him. Gently. Kind of.

Nick came out of his stupor, glancing down at the bunny as he pulled his earbuds out. "What?" He asked, unconcerned with Judy's clear annoyance.

Judy sighed. Her foot continued to thump against the ground. "You can't listen to music while we're at work. We're on taxpayers' time."

"I'm a taxpayer, remember Carrots?" Nick asked.

"You've been paying taxes for less than two years, Nick." Judy deadpanned.

"I'm not sure that's totally relevant." Nick said, a paw coming to rest on his chin. "In fact, I find it incredibly discriminatory that you're victimizing me just because I haven't paid taxes as long as some people. Very unfair, Miss Hopps. Everyone is equal in Zootopia."

Judy stared at the fox for a moment, caught between two feelings. On the one hand she wanted to laugh, on the other she wanted scold the fox for being derelict in his duty as an officer of the law. She settled for scolding.

"You can't listen to headphones while we're at work, Nick. What if someone other than me caught you?" Judy asked.

"Who's going to catch me, Carrots? We've been in records for like a week. I mean look at the room we're in right now. It probably hasn't been dusted in a year." Nick said. "Even record mammals don't come here."

Judy glanced around the small, stuffy room. Admittedly, her fox had a point. Documents from years passed were stuffed tightly into boxes and cabinets and there was a clutter of desks in chairs in one corner of the small office. Even the windows were faded out to the point they might as well have been walls. This room had obviously not been used as anything but storage for several years. Decades, possibly.

"Okay, so maybe it's not the most popular hang out spot, but that doesn't mean you can just slack off from work." Judy looked at the fox sternly, one paw on her hip and the other pointing at him…also sternly. The author actually used the same adverb twice in one sentence. Now that's just lazy.

"What work, Carrots?" Nick asked. "We haven't had anything to do the entire week. We're not even on desk duty. We're supposed to be organizing the old records but there already organized. We finished doing that days ago. Are we suppose to just keep doing that over and over?"

Judy's brow furrowed as she looked the exasperated, and bored, vulpine. "Nick, you almost got fired last week. Bogo's just trying to keep you out of the spotlight for a while. This isn't permanent."

She was no more happy than he was with the situation. She would've much preferred doing something productive and beneficial to the citizens of Zootopia, such as catching criminals. However, she was more concerned with the fate of her lover at this time. Unfortunately, that meant staying in dimly lit room that had essentially become a glorified storage compartment.

"I wasn't going to get fired." Nick said, rolling his eyes. "Buffalo Bill and the Downer brigade weren't going to lose an officer over a report."

"You do realize fraud is a felony, right?" Judy said. Her eyes were knitted in disbelief. "Nick, you're an officer how do you not know that?"

"Of course I know what fraud is, Carrots. I've committed it tons of times. I'm just saying that I never wrote anything in a case report that wasn't true." Nick said, his hands held up placatingly to the bunny.

The look of disbelief Judy gave him left the fox feeling slightly miffed. "Really?"

"No, seriously. Come on, give me a little credit here. Do you really think I'm that dumb?" Nick asked the bunny, his signature smile crossing his face.

Judy smirked back at that, one eyebrow raised. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Nick rolled his eyes, leaning back, "Hardy Har Har. You're a true comical genius, rabbit."

A buzz came from Judy's thigh as she was about to respond. She reached down into her pocket to pull out her phone.

"Wait, so I can't listen to music but you can check your phone? This actually is discriminatory." The fox said. He was promptly ignored by the bunny.

After a moment she looked up, smiling. "Well, it looks like you got your wish Nick. Wolfard and Fangmeyer need someone to take over interrogation of a few suspects for them while they work the case from a different angle. I just volunteered us."

Nick stretched, giving Judy a smirk. "It beats sitting here. Let's go meet these guys and gals then."

…

"So what's the deal anyways? Who is it we're questioning?" Nick asked his partner casually as they closed in on their destination.

"Well, it's not strictly an interrogation. We have a witness to a crime and a few suspects. So it's more like a lineup." Judy said as the entered booking.

"A lineup? So we're just babysitting a witness then. Still, could be fun." Nick said, pleased to be doing anything other than records work.

"As for who it is," Judy said, "They're just the normal suspects."

Officer Fangmeyer was waiting for them as they entered. Behind him was another wolf. He smiled at the two, though it was a bit strained. "Hey guys, glad you're here."

"What's the situation then Fangs'?" Nick asked. He returned Fangmeyer's smile with a smirk.

"Last night someone hijacked a truck filled with some heavy grade construction equipment. Basically hundreds of thousands are gone. Good news is we have a witness who heard the perp's voice." Fangmeyer pointed to the wolf seated in the room. The wolf in question waved with a grim expression on his face. "Bad news is he perp was wearing a mask. Anyways we brought in a few people in the area known to do these kinds of things. They'll be up in the line up in a bit."

Judy raised an eyebrow. "If you already did all that work what do you need us for?"

Fangmeyer smiled sheepishly before quietly saying, "I thought you two might be bored."

Nick's smirk grew in size as he leaned in. "You're a real pal, you know that Fangs?"

"We already gave cue card to the suspects with a phrase the witness remembers being said." Fangmeyer told them.

"What phrase is that," Judy asked.

"It's…" Fangmeyer glanced down at his notepad. "It's 'Give me the keys, you motherfrickin' genital suckers,' apparently."

Judy and Nick both looked a bit skeptical. "The hardened criminals used those words? In that way?" Judy asked after a moment.

"Well no, but the witness is deeply opposed to inappropriate language and that's how he phrased it in his official statement." Fangmeyer said.

"But he's not actually saying the words. He's reporting on them having been said." Judy said. "That has to be a logical fallacy."

"He's a witness, Carrots, not a scholar. Any reason we can't record it the way the witness actually meant, Fangs?" Nick asked, clearly amused at the ridiculous line.

"It's how it's written in the official report." The wolf replied. "Anyways, I'll just leave you both to it. Bye guys."

The wolf exited the room, leaving the fox and the bunny standing alone in the room with their witness, a line up of career criminals on the other side of the partition glass.

Nick flashed a smile at Judy, his eyes lighting up with mirth. "Let's find our frickin' crook then."

The shorter bunny rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. She approached the witness and sat in one of the two chairs adjacent to him. In front of her was a small intercom machine that would allow her to speak to the five suspects already lined up on the other side of the glass.

She smiled at the short (for a wolf) mammal sitting next to her. He seemed very anxious. It was understandable considering he was attempting to identify an attacker. She placed her paw on the wolf's shoulder. Her partner took a seat next to her, leaning back comfortably in his chair. "Hi, sir. I'm Officer Hopps. Are you ready to try and identify your attacker, sir?" Judy asked.

The wolf nodded in response.

The trio looked to the suspects standing on the other side of the partition. There were five in total. It was a gaggle of mammals, with every expression speaking of boredom and an intense disinterest in their surroundings. The one farthest to the right stood out, as he had a very obvious limp and withered hand.

Judy pressed down a button, allowing her to speak to the awaiting suspects. "You all know the drill. When your number is called step forward and repeat the phrase you've been given."

Judy paused for a moment. "Number one, step forward."

The shortest of the five mammals stepped forward, cue card in hand. He rolled his eyes as he read the card. In a monotone voice he said, "Give me the keys, you motherfrickin' genital sucker."

Number one stepped back.

"Not the best performance I've ever seen. It lacked heart. I just didn't feel like he really meant it." Nick said off handedly. The witness was decidedly less amused as he tried to discern whether the voice was the same as the previous night.

Ignoring her partner, Judy once again pressed the intercom button. "Number two, step forward."

A rather burly and intimidating looking mammal stepped forward as number one handed off his cue card to him. As he read the cue card his expression went from confused to bemused in a matter of seconds. He was almost laughing as he took a pose, his paw pointed out as if it were a weapon. "Give me the frickin' keys you motherfrickin' genital suckers motherfrickers."

From there the suspect devolved into mockingly yelling random obscenities.

Judy pressed the intercom button in order to interrupt the display. "Knock it off. Get back."

Her partner was much more amused by the display, giggling at the antics of the suspect. "I'll have to thank Fangmeyer later."

The witness remained silent, again trying to determine whether that mammal was his assailant.

The witness shook his head at the expectant Officer Hopps. Once again pressing the intercom button. "Number three, step forward."

The tallest of the gathered mammals stepped forward as number two handed him the cue card. Upon reading it he began giggling. Number two playfully slapped his shoulder and laughed with him at the absurdity of the sentence.

Judy sighed, exasperated at the two criminals. She tapped the intercom button once again. "Read the card, number three."

The suspect collected himself and said, rather quietly and far too quickly, "Givemethefrickinkeysyoumotherfrickingenitalsuckers." He stepped back into the line up.

Before Judy could ask the suspect to repeat the phrase, Officer Wilde leaned over and clicked the intercom. "Yeah, Lurch, could you repeat that at an audible level?"

"Excuse me?" The suspect toned, looking incredulous.

"Could you repeat that for those of us who aren't standing three inches away from your mouth?"

The gathered suspects all laughed at jab, with the fifth in the line up looking down so his laughter was less evident.

The suspect shrugged his shoulders, huffing as he said the line. He didn't bother to step forward. "Give me the keys you genital sucker."

The suspect huffed and mumbled, "What the fuck," as he handed off the cue card to the next suspect in line.

Nick smirked as he leaned back from the intercom. Judy looked at him blankly. "You're enjoying this too much."

The vulpine laughed. "You're not enjoying it enough."

Judy clicked the intercom button again. "Number four, step forward."

The most agitated member of the group stepped forward, clearly not enjoying the situation. He looked at the cue card and read blankly, "Give me the keys, you frickin' genital suckers."

He stepped back promptly.

"I don't recognize any of their voices." The witness said sadly.

"There's still one suspect left, sir it may be him." Judy told the witness.

The witness looked uncertain. "I don't want to sound rude, Officer, but I'm fairly certain I'd remember if the mammals who attacked me was crippled."

"I understand, sir, but it was dark." She clicked the intercom button for the final time. "Number five, step forward."

The mammal limped forward. He read his cue card without much flare. "Give me the keys, you frickin' genital suckers." He stepped back to his position, his head downturned.

The witness shook his head. "I don't recognize any of their voices officers. I'm sorry."

The rabbit sighed. "It's alright, sir. You might as well go home. We're about done here. I have some things to discuss with my partner."

The witness thanked both Officer Hopps and Officer Wilde and scurried out of the building. Most likely, he just wanted to be done with the whole affair. After he was out of earshot Judy turned to her partner. He was staring at the lined up suspects. "What are you thinking?"

"That we have a bunch of professional criminals here and a witness who didn't see anything. We're not going to get anyone for this one, Carrots." Nick said, his brow furrowed.

The rabbit sighed. "Yeah. Yeah. Maybe Fangmeyer and Wolfard will dig something up."

"We'll see. If they're anything like me, there's not going to be much to go on. At least it was fun, I guess." Nick said, shrugging. "Honestly, I'm more worried about having five of these types of guys in a room together."

"Either way, Fangmeyer will want to keep them for the full 72 hours in case any more evidence comes up." Judy replied.

The fox sat up and stretched his arms over his head. "What could go wrong with putting these guys in a cell together for a few days?"

"Do you have a better idea, fox?" Judy asked him.

"Nope."

"Thought so." Judy said smugly. "If something does come up it's better that we keep them. Besides, you don't think Fangmeyer and Wolfard would put them all in the same cell?"

"You remember at the office Christmas party when Wolfram got his paw stuck in the kitchen sink? And then when Fangmeyer sawed through the pipes to get him out?" Nick asked the bunny, an eyebrow raised as he flashed her that infuriatingly snarky smirk.

Judy simply stared at him for a moment, her mouth drawn tight as she studied his face, eyes unblinking. "Let's go talk to Fangmeyer and Wolfard."

She quickly got up and walked to the door, pulling the vulpine along with her. Nick was still smirking as they exited. "I guess we're just going to leave them lined up in there?"

* * *

AN: And with this chapter, my systematic theft of iconic movie scenes is one step closer to being complete. Today was "The Usual Suspects."


	13. Case Reports - 6

"It feels like it's been forever." The fox said, pressing his back against the chair in a long stretch as his paws slipped from the keyboard. He rose from his chair as he slid it away from his work computer.

"I'm going to take a coffee break," He said as he meandered his way towards the precinct's break room. Unfortunately, his path was blocked by a small, stern looking bunny.

"It's only been fifteen minutes, Nick. Don't you think you should be finishing your report instead?" The rabbit asked. Truthfully, it was not so much a question as it was a vaguely threatening demand phrased like a question.

"Come on, I'm gonna grab a coffee, Carrots. Would you really keep me from doing that?" The charmingly innocent vulpine asked…innocently.

Judy said nothing and stood firm, simply staring at her partner. Her eyes were set and her mouth drawn into a tight frown.

A moment passed before Nick finally gave in. "Fine."

He skulked back towards his computer, mumbling incoherent and likely unpleasant things. He made a show of sitting back down his chair, like a petulant child who had just been denied a toy. He began typing away on his computer as loudly as he could in an attempt to make his displeasure known to his unforgiving partner.

Normally, he would've found a more clever way to express such feelings, but his frustration with recent events (which I'm sure this incredibly predictable author will unload on the poor reader in a storm of expository dialogue and hamfisted narration) had led him to be more irritable and short tempered than he had ever been. It was completely uncharacteristic for one such as him, who prided himself on his ability to keep his personal feelings so well concealed.

Of course, his show of petulance could also be interpreted as a sign of how comfortable he truly was with his parter. That he would so willingly show such an unusual side of himself was itself and act of the utmost intimacy and trust, even if that side were admittedly negative.

After a short time of this the vulpine gave up on subtlety. "I hate doing this." He stated quietly.

"Really? I never would've guessed." The rabbit said snarkily. Her ears rarely missed a statement. She too had returned to her computer.

"These reports are soon boring, Carrots. You don't let me have any fun with them anymore." The fox said exasperatedly.

"And you know exactly why that is fox." She replied annoyedly.

"Well maybe I don't." He shot back defiantly.

Seriously, Author, you need to calm down with the adverbs. You don't need them for every dialogue line. They aren't adding anything and are frankly annoying. It's dialogue. People understand whats being expressed when they read it because the characters are directly stating it. The adverbs are superfluous and give the impression you think your reader is stupid. The fact that I, your narrator, have to tell you this is, frankly, ridiculous.

"Why don't I tell you then." Judy said.

You aren't actually going to just unload a bunch of exposition on the reader are you? I was kidding. Please don't do that.

"You're sitting here writing your report in a normal appropriate fashion because you were put on review with Hu. And I'm here watching you to make sure you actually do it. You're on thin ice, Nick. I'm not going to let you hand them the pickaxe that finally breaks that ice." Her voice was tinged with concern. Her features took on a softer look. "You love this job. That's why I've been looking over all your reports and making sure they're presentable these past couple months."

You're incredible. I mean, really? Could you not think of a more creative way to exposit all over your readers? You literally just had a character say it all in a blob of text. Why anyone would read this is beyond me. You are truly incompetent, in the most extreme form of the word.

* * *

AN: Can you stop being a pretentious know-it-all for a little bit and just narrate the story?

* * *

To call this tripe a story is an insult to every proficient writer who has ever lived. That I am forced to call you an author raises bile in my throat. And to call this comedy? The very idea fills me with a rage. Laurence Sterne wrote comedy. You write hogwash. I have not gotten a single chortle from this entire work.

* * *

AN: First of all, why are you like this? Second of all, what the **** is a chortle? Can you please just narrate the damn story? This is the first chapter in ages I've even written and it's irritating as a reader to deal with all these story breaks.

* * *

Hmmph. Fine. Back to the 'story.'

"Uhh, we busted Hu last month for running a bunch of illegal casinos, prostitution rings, and a major drug ring." Nick said, slightly amused at her mention of the elephant. "Did you forget that?"

Judy chuckled, momentarily distracted from her original point. "That was an interesting case. I still can't believe how it turned out."

"It's really too bad no one wrote it all down, it would've made for a good story." Nick remarked with a wave of a paw. "It's kind of disappointing. I'm sure someone would've loved to read about it."

* * *

AN: The joke is on all of you if you thought I was going to let this fic have a plot.

* * *

Judy shook her head, clearing the tangent from her mind. "My point is, Nick, that I don't want your career ruined because some bureaucrat wants to make a name for himself."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Oh please, as if that's gonna happen. I'm untouchable, Carrots."

"Uh huh." Judy sound unconvinced. "Just let me know when you finish up that report."

"Yes, Taskmaster."

"Don't push it."

"Sorry…Divine Emperor."

"What was that?"

"You heard me."

"Just get to work, Nick. Please."

…

Approximately one hour had passed with Nick and Judy both working away at their desks. Nick was busy with his case report for an arrest he had made recently with Officer Delgato. Judy had been busy preparing a speech she was to give at a local school as a part of Precinct One's community outreach program.

The bunny had been intensely concentrated on her task. The sound of a chair scraping against the linoleum alerted her to Officer Wilde's presence. She looked up to see her partner walking from the room, most likely towards the break room.

"All done?" She asked.

In answer the vulpine gave a nonchalant wave of his paw, not even turning to look at her as he exited the room.

Judy rose from her own seat with a sigh, readying herself to read her partner's report. She did not particularly like checking over his reports, but she felt it necessary. She loved and trusted him, but that did not make her blind to his weaknesses. The fox, while intelligent, also tended to ignore the long-term consequences of his actions.

Of course, her own kind and loyal nature most likely blinded her to the fact what she was doing was somewhat infantilizing.

"Well, might as well get this over with." She said to herself. as she glanced over the typed report on her partner's monitor.

…

 _From the desk of Officer Nicholas Wilde, February 18th, Arrest of Suspect Perry Strawman_

 _Dear Carrot-up-her-ass,_

…

"Off to a great start already." Judy said to herself.

 _…_

 _Officer Delgato and myself (That's Officer Nicholas P. Wilde, for those of you wondering. I'm kind of a big deal.) arrested the suspect after receiving a call about a possible 840._

 _Or something like that. I don't remember all the codes. Anyways, Perry boy was defacing a statue then he hit someone when they told him to stop. After that he began preaching about his political beliefs and overthrowing the system and threatening animals passing by while simultaneously asking them to support his cause._

 _There is actually a specific code that covers all of that._

 _The best part is knowing that not only is there a specific code for this, but the reason there's a specific code for this is because there's actual precedent for it. This specific situation has happened more than once._

 _I think I love it._

 _Anyways, Delgato and I find this guy standing on a soapbox in front of a monument to Zootopia's freedom. I want to be extra clear here, though. I don't mean he was just preaching out his political opinions in the middle of the square. I mean he was standing on a literal soapbox yelling his political opinions at animals angrily. He even called them 'sheeple.'_

 _He is a sheep._

 _I've done a lot of jobs and I've met a lot of animals, but I gotta say I don't think anything quite compares to the magical animals I get to meet on patrol. It's an experience I wouldn't give up for anything._

 _Before we continue I'd like to note that street preachers are a large and varied group of individuals and to call them all by one name is a complete and total disservice to this time honored profession. Perry falls under what I like to call the PR division of street preachers. It's short for Political Radicalists. It's funny because the last thing these people should be in charge of is PR. Other notable divisions include doomsday predictors, or the Doomsmen, actual street preachers, or street preachers, and my personal preference, the majestic and honest snake oil salesman._

 _When Officer Delgato and yours truly left the cruiser, Delgato opened up the back door of the vehicle. Don't worry, this'll be important in a second._

 _So when Officer Delgato and I saunter up, all intimidating, cool (and devastatingly sexy in my case) you'd think most animals would give up right about then. Most animals aren't like Perry Strawman, the CRUSADER FOR JUSTICE AND FREEDOM. Instead he valiantly fought against us._

 _Now, I want you to guess who he threw himself at._

 _The fox who was slightly smaller than him_

 _The lion three times his size_

 _If you guessed B) you would be correct. Good ole' Perry threw himself at Officer Delgato, whom from now on shall be known as Officer Brick House, and crumpled at his feet when his head came into contact with Delgato's body._

 _Delgato, cuffed him, lifted him with one arm, and tossed him into the cruiser. I mean he actually tossed him into the cruiser. Accurately._

 _In case you don't get it, I mean he actually had Perry in one hand. He just turned around and chucked him into the cruiser. It was like twenty feet away. The door wasn't even open all the way._

 _Then he just casually walked back to the patrol car like he didn't just toss a fully grown badger across a lane of traffic into a vehicle with one arm._

 _How metal is that? Pretty [REDACTED:EXPLETIVE] metal._

 _…_

"Why are you like this?" Judy questioned the screen in front of her.

Its only response was a low electronic hum.

…

 _I've always been smooth, Carrots, but I've never been that smooth._

 _It gets better. Because it also turns out Delgato is apparently a master of debate and rhetoric. Seriously, you're not going to believe his on the spot oratory skills when I get to that part. Even if you disagreed with his point it was just impressive he had one ready so quickly. And believe me, Delgato believes some weird [REDACTED: EXPLETIVE]._

 _Anyways, Perry, like any true member of the PR, never shut up. He was an anarchist, I think. Or something like that. To be honest, all the political radicals kinda blend together to me. I never really cared much about political change, and I've never been involved in 'em._

 _…_

"We literally met because of a case revolving around a major political change, Nick." Judy spoke as if he were there to respond.

But no one was there and she was alone.

…

 _Pears started rattling on about authoritarianism and how we were just puppets of the dictatorial society controlled by the mayor. He was going on about how we needed to deconstruct society or whatever. It was really thought provoking and made a lot of sense until I remembered that we had elected multiple officials, a city counsel, and a bunch of other stuff besides the mayor that actually had power._

 _So, I was just happy to sit here and listen to Mr. Strawman talk for a while. He had a very melodic way of yelling. Very moving._

 _Delgato felt differently apparently. He just wheeled around (note: he was driving) and stared at the guy for like five minutes straight while simultaneously keeping up with traffic and not causing us all to die. I, uh, don't know how he did that actually. He eventually just asks Perry how he'd run the world if he was in charge._

 _Now, I'm not going to say Perry Strawman is the dumbest mammal alive, but he's definitely not a contender for the Nobel Prize. He ain't no Cicero either, so his answer basically came down to "I'd set up a free, crimeless society with no government."_

 _I want you to understand that I'm summarizing here. He used about forty times the words I did just there, and expressed probably half the information. I'd tell you what he said, but I can't honestly remember all of the verbal diarrhea._

…

"Ew." Judy said, wrinkling her nose up.

…

 _Delgato apparently wasn't satisfied, because he asked him how he'd prevent crime in a society without a central government. He did look at the road when he asked this time though, so that was a minor improvement over earlier. It was a good question, and the political and intellectual powerhouse that was Perry Germane Strawman had an incredibly sophisticated and insightful answer._

 _Ole' Pears said he would have people formed militia to keep everyone in check._

 _Now, I know what you may be thinking in your tiny bunny-brain: "But how could you have a free society without government if you have an armed militia holding the peace? Doesn't that make your society one of martial law and not really anarchistic?"_

 _I don't blame you for not having the mental capacity to understand, Carrots. I could barely comprehend his genius myself._

 _No, but he was actually an authoritarian who thought he was an anarchist. This was real. I'm not sure how, but that's what happened._

 _Of course, Delgato decides to have a debate with this guy over his politics, which Delgato described as "nonsensical and vacant of rational discourse of thought."_

 _Delgato mostly just used big phrases like that. His style of argument seems to be to try and confuse his opponents into agreeing with him. Also, he's a fascist._

 _I don't mean that as an ad hominem insult to belittle his argument 'cuz I think it's dumb. I mean that literally. Delgato is a self admitted fascist. Apparently he thinks that it's easier to run a society under a benevolent dictator or even a non-benevolent dictator who controls all access to information. And from there that dictator should isolate an entire society so it only has a concept of itself. Don't worry, it sounded much worse when he said it._

 _In his own words, "If they can't compare their quality of life to anyone else's they'll never know if their lives are bad, and can remain blissfully ignorant."_

 _Someone handed him a copy of 1984 and he's using it as a playbook instead of a warning._

 _If Delgato ever gets promoted, let's transfer precincts, please. I'm serious, Carrots. He's [REDACTED:EXPLETIVE] crazy._

 _Perry disagreed with that sentiment, but not really. He thought it was better to have non-fascist society where the people were free and the law was kept by a militia with single leader. He decided not to answer when Delgato asked him how the militia involved wouldn't immediately make it a government of martial and not anarchism._

 _Perry just called Delgato a fascist instead. Unfortunately, Delgato just took that as a compliment. They both agreed Eugenics was bad though, so I guess there's that. Of course, Delgato only thought it was bad because any act of extreme violence, even on an isolated society, would produce incidents of rebellion and dissent._

 _We probably shouldn't invite Delgato to our mayoral election party this weekend. I have a feeling that would end poorly._

 _In the end, both the authoritarian cop and the authoritarian soapbox speaker settled for hating each other and everyone lived happily ever after._

 _Except for me. It was very, very uncomfortable for me._

 _Love,_

 _Nick_

 _P.S. - Yes his name was actually Strawman._

 _P.S.S. - I was serious about Delgato. Dude thinks it's a good idea to keep an entire society uneducated as a means of progress._

…

Judy just stared at the screen a moment, her brow furrowed and her lips drawn tightly. It was difficult to tell what she was thinking, or if she was thinking of all. Finally, her paw moved to the mouse and highlighted various sections Officer Wilde's report. She tapped the backspace key as she went, and each vanished.

"I'm just going to have to sanitize this a little." She mumbled to herself as she began typing away.

Her eyes widened as a realization struck her. "Oh. Oh no. He's brought me down to his level."

* * *

AN: This chapter was probably the least funny of I've written thus far. Enjoy. Also, as a small note, I will be moving on to a new Zootopia story. If it's good check it out, if it's bad leave a very, very mean review after checking it out. I'd say my updates for this story will be sporadic as I'm writing other things, but it's not like this is regularly updated anyways.


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